The Last Time I Lost My Husband

by Kathleen
(San Diego, CA)

My husband was and still is an alcoholic. The first time I lost my husband, his mother threw him out of her house while we were starting out. I was devastated because I loved him very much but also so hurt by the effects of alcoholism.
I set out to find him again and I did. And he reached for sobriety and tried it for a number of years. It was wonderful. I never knew such bliss.
Then, my husband had a serious injury and used alcohol to diminish his pain. The alcohol overpowered our relationship. Soon, he had several small strokes. Probably a contributing factor was the alcohol abuse. After the strokes, my husband was never the same. His memory was gone and he was a different person. He just never had the same level of thought that he did before. When this happened, I grieved for the loss of the man I fell in love with while I took care of this alcoholic invalid.
The drinking got to both of us. For him, he just wanted to be in an alcohol fog most of the time. For me, it brought out his anger, his irrational thinking about “recovering from the stroke” which wasn’t going to happen according to the doctors and changes in my own physical health that he didn’t want to accept as true.
I told him that I couldn’t and wouldn’t be around alcohol and its consequences. I told him he didn’t have to stop drinking but that he’d have to stop being around me if he did. That didn’t work well. He just couldn’t bring himself to not be around me when he was drunk. And I just couldn’t abide the cruel behavior he exhibited. The fights were horrendous and I was a tortured soul feeling like a prisoner in my own house, locked away in a room, while he drank just to keep out of his way.
I finally told him it was obvious he couldn’t respect my wishes to not share in alcoholic consequences. So, I told him he had to go.
It’s not been long that he has been gone but I’m grieving all over again. I am sad because of the love that I had for him and the loss of the man to alcohol. I don’t know if it would have been better to lose him to another woman or not. I miss the man I married and I miss my husband’s presence that gave me great comfort when he was sober. We shared a love but it is so sad to see that love hacked to pieces from the damages of alcoholism to a sober person.
I don’t think he ever understood how much the things he said to me hurt and how I made excuses to myself for his behavior. So I have not only lost my husband the way he was to a stroke but then lost the rest of him to alcohol.
I miss him and I grieve for myself and the loss of the person I loved so much.

Comments for The Last Time I Lost My Husband

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Jul 18, 2014
Numb
by: Anonymous

Two weeks I found out that my husband is an even bigger lier then I had ever though. He lost his 100,00 job to failing a breathalyzer. Apparently 6 months when he said he was on fmla for back issues he was really suspended for the same thing. And never told me. I have two young boys and have no job because I believes him when he said he would always take care of me. He is in complete denial about everything . I realize I may love him but I have stopped being in love with him for along time. He hides his drinking he is lazy and does nothing with boys. It makes me depressed when I see other fathers that are so proactive I am just lost and don't even no what to do but cry at night. It's like he is numb and feels nothing

Apr 10, 2013
loving an alocholic
by: Anonymous

I thought for a moment I was reading my own story I have had so many of these awful times and been both emotionally and physically for many years yet, I love this man with all my heart I have tried suicide twice I just cannot get him out of my head he now has another woman who also shares his love of the good life and she has plenty money which she constantly throws at him, I feel so sad and angry that he is so easily bought when I struggled for years to keep us warm and fed!!! and then he waltzes off and has a brill life and I am all alone crying and depressed I feel exactly the way you do and we have been separated 6 yrs although he was still coming over 3days at least a week I never knew of this woman for a whole year and she has been shouting abuse in the phone at me I am in bits, my heart is broken forever we have known each other 36years married and together for 30 of them I am so glad to finally talk to someone that feels like I do, \I have no answers for you I'm sorry I wanted to let you know you are not aloine xxx

Feb 07, 2013
Thank you
by: Kathleen

I am comforted knowing there are others in this world who understand the struggles of the Al Anon rest of the family.

Al Anon has been there for me every wobbley step of the way and I am finally strong enough emotionally, comfortable being with myself, more respect and love for my own self and not feeling so guilty worrying about my own pain.

My healing is a miracle in my life.

Feb 03, 2013
All the if nots and why nots
by: Anonymous

My husband of 29 years passed away on 22 September 2012. He was an alcoholic. He had chirrosis of the liver, Wernicke Korsokoff syndrome and many more problems because of his alcohol abuse and dependance. He was a self made millionaire with everything a man can wish for. He just gave up on living. He was a very self centred man and everything revolved around his needs. He became a recluse in the end and died a horrible death after two months in hospital. The grief I am experiencing is two fold. For him who just never could accept that he had a problem and needed help and for us who bared the brunt of years of abuse. My children and I blame ourselves and yet we know we did try all we could. I loved my husband more than anything and miss him terribly but I do not miss the addiction and all the heartache it caused in our home. I hope we will eventually be able to come to terms with his death and remember him with love and understanding.

Jan 20, 2013
Losses due to alcoholism
by: Heidi

My ex-husband suffers from alcoholism and drug addition. (Drugs sped the progression of the diseases' effects.) We were together in all over 20 years on the merry-go-round of denial of it being a disease and the rollercoaster of crisis and chaos that went with it. There were periods of thinking all was well but never really knowing for sure. Other times I thought he may be dead because he'd be missing for days, which gradually turned to weeks. It eventually led to him draining our bank account and loosing his job due to absenteeism. The good news is there is help for us who suffer from the effects of a loved ones drinking and drugging, Al-anon. I resisted going for years as I thought, if he'd just stop, things would be fine. Truth is it showed me a new and wonderful way of life based on changing ME and has helped me to recover from so many devastating events AND gives me new tools to deal with life's difficulties with grace and peace now. Best part is I don't have to do it alone - no one does - Al-anon is a comfort as well as a wonderful teacher of living life to the fullest (whether or not the Alcoholic gets sober.) I pray you find comfort and eventually peace on your journey through life.

Sep 25, 2012
Loving an alcholic
by: Jenn

Your story hits so close to home for me. I am greiving the loss of the love of my life, an alcholic. I have been there thru the withdrawals, cravings, etc, to treatment and AA groups. I know he tried but nothing ever worked. I too could no longer take the drinking and had to put my foot down for the sake of our boys and myself. I couldn't take the verbal abuse any longer. I agree, I really don't think they understand the gravity their words have on us. After we separated, he continued to try to make things right to come home. I can't imagine my life without him and once I let my wall down for him I lost him all over again but this time to another woman. I feel as though I have been ripped to pieces as he lives his life with this woman who shares in his love of drinking. I too have made every excuse for his actions because he is an alcholic. He became a totally different person when he drank. While I know the boys and I do not deserve to be treated this way I cannot find a way to get over him. He has caused me so much pain over the years and given me every reason not to love him but yet I'm still madly in love with him. Ironically, his family has been some of my biggest supporters as I deal with the pain of losing him, and I find the most comfort with them. Now that he is with an alcholic, it seems he is on a downward spiral. His family can't take anymore either. I feel stuck, after everything he has done to me and yet I am still so worried he will get himself in trouble or worse. I don't know what to do. I just feel more and more depressed as the days go by. Its been months now and my sadness is just as strong as the day we separated. I just don't know how to get past this. I can't move on because I still can't imagine our lives without each other.

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