by Zoe

How many times before his death, I heard it. How many million of times after his death have I heard it. You will survive, you will heal, and it will be less painful. It is a lie. I wish it were true, I wish there was some level of hope I could offer, but the fact is it does not get better, or easier. What happens is you get better at hiding your feelings. No, that is a lie too, what happens is that the basic needs of work to pay bills forces you to hold in the pain that you feel.

It has been three months since my beloved John died. I close my eyes and I see him, I remember what it feels like to have his arms around me, his smile, his smell. I move in a vacuum, nothing touches me anymore, oh, I do what I have to, those mundane things that make the outside world think you heal, but there is no healing. We were going to move into our new home, I could not live in the house we had so carefully and lovingly chosen; so I am buying a different home, in a different state. My daughter and her husband are going to stay with me, so I will not be alone. I nod and smile. It does not matter if they are there or not, I am alone, totally and utterly alone.

I go to my office; I do my work; I move through the day hoping that no one looks too closely at me, for there is nothing truly here, a glass figure where a woman used to be. I wear his ashes around my neck and I touch them a thousand times a day, trying to get some feel of him. There is no feel of him. Instead, I close my door and weep because the raw jagged pain that is my soul cannot be controlled.

I talk to a well-meaning therapist friend who tells me I will have to feel my pain. So at night I allow myself to feel and what comes is a white-hot searing pain that leaves nothing but ash behind. There is no lessening of the pain with time or "feeling it", because he is not here, the only way for the pain to recede is for him to be here, but he is not. He lies as well. How do you counsel when you have no idea what it is to have lost yourself? Feeling this kind of pain not just to feel it emotionally, but physically. I pray for sleep, but it only comes with pills. I hope for sleep with no dreams, just nothingness, the seduction of the pills. However, even that is a lie, now I dream and in all dreams I find a dead body, I cannot escape death.

Everything I have read, everything I have been told is a lie. I am dying inside, I feel nothing but pain and grief. There is only one truth, and the longer time passes the more I am certain of it, I cannot do this without him.

Comments for THE LIES

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Jul 08, 2010
by: JUDY

I don't think you need to feel badly about yourself because you are still in such pain. Three months is not very long to recover from having your life changed unalterably. I am now at about eight months and I still have time when I drive home from work, or sit in church at our same pew and just cry the whole time. Yes you will go through the pain because there is no other choice, but don't worry too much about what others tell you you should be feeling. You feel what you feel and it is ok.

You've been wounded, it will take a while to heal. Nobody would be expecting you to be recovered if you'd had a traffic accident and major injuries. That is what grief is like, only it doesn't show up on the surface so no one else understands that inside you are still screaming.

Give it time. I miss Barry everyday. I think about him everyday. I've never felt so alone. But other widows understand. I do.

Jul 08, 2010
I remember too well
by: Hope


I remember all too well what you are going through. Your words cut like a knife remembering the same feelings. Initially feeling a numbness the first month was as good as it gets. By the first month reality kicked in. And by the third month it felt like red hot pokers were torturing my soul. It seems impossible, like a junkie getting off meth. You just want to be sucked in and get it over with. But, I promise, I do stay strong, go through the motions, survive the day and little by little, the memories of you love will have warm spots, not acid filled memories that torture your soul.

We are here, keep going. It will get better ever so slowly...HH

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