The List

The day before my husband passed away (six months ago), we were sitting in the den and he told me to make a list. I had no idea what he was talking about. But I would have done anything for him those days. We knew he was going to die but the doctors said we had six months. I only had six days. So I got a pad of paper and he started in.

1.sell my car. 2.put on door handles. 3.clean garage etc. etc. there ended up being over maybe 100 things on his list. That was Sunday Morning.

Then his family came over and they talked, my brother-in-law who is a Dr. said he wouldn't make it through the night. My children had left for the airport I called them and they came right back. WE didn't believe he would die that night. But we didn't know.

He died the next morning -July 19th at 2 a.m.

We had a get together at the house that weekend- He wanted us to have a party to celebrate his life.

A few days later I found the list again. I started at the top, Sold his car, put on door handles, cleaned the garage had a yard sale, painted 2 bathrooms, planted rose garden-on and on until now the list is done-

And I am lost. It was like I was in a fog, doing it for him. But now what?

I miss him so much but I felt close to him doing the things on his list. But now I need him back to tell me what to do next. The fog has lifted and I am lost

Comments for The List

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Jan 29, 2011
the list
by: Linda(Quebec)

I am sure what I am going to say won't be of much comfort to you , I can say this because I am new to this , my hubby has only been gone six weeks! Anyway I am so glad you had time to sit with your husband and make a list but more than that had the courage to go through it.

Yesterday I went into our garage and sorted out all my hubby's power tools and it broke my heart.
Part of me thought "will be back soon so I should leave them alone" and the other part of me was so so unbearably sad because they were part of who he was and they were no longer needed no longer had any use in this house. So I took pictures of them and with the help of a well meaning friend put them on Craigslist.

I don't have a list I just have lots of things I sadly need to do like sell our house. So much for waiting a year before making any "BIG" decisions, Whoever came up with that one obviously didn't live in the real world where bank accounts are frozen and life takes on a whole new meaning.

I wish you well and hope I will have strength like you to go through my unwritten "list"

Jan 29, 2011
our past, our future our courage

I try to remember the first half of grief. I know that the first 6 months were incredibly painful and I lived life in a fog. The fog is lifting now as the 2nd year of his passing begins.
But the absolute need to keep rolling spinning my wheels keeping busy to feel functional has left.

I have no motivation to do as I should. So I have a painter coming in the prime 2 rooms. The living room & Our/my bedroom. I had come home one day and Paul was painting the very color that I said that I liked in a movie the night before. It was so sweet. But I feel that I need to redo that memory so that I can make this my life mine instead of holding on to our life. It is sooooo hard though.

As I pack up his books, his movies, his music for the kids to enjoy. It just breaks my heart. It is a slow painful process packing up the past.
I did not think it could hurt any worse, That I have been through every conceivable emotion and all have tortured my soul no end. This however brings up the past, his past, my past, our past in incredible clarity as a slap in the face.

But there is the list, always the list of things that need to be done, and we pluck them off one by one alone, there is no help no companionship no team work just the lonely long list of chores that we must face alone, so very alone. So I know what you mean as today beckons me to start my day. I sit here avoiding the memories. But when it is time, we will all do what we have to do to view our past and face our future....

Jan 28, 2011
My List
by: TrishJ

I sat down the other day to make a list. I was trying to make a list of what I need to accomplish in the next few weeks to get on with my life. 1)make a dentist appointment 2) look for a part time job 3) start working on the DVD of my husband's life............and so on. I have desire to do any of it. I sit and cry. My son and daughter call me and say, "Dad wouldn't want this. You have to get out and do things." I go to lunch with a friend and as soon as I get there I don't want to be there. I want to be alone and cry. If I don't start returning phone calls my friends will dump me. The problem is, I want to talk about my husband, they want to talk about me moving on. It's too soon. I'm not ready. Am I taking a chance on those friends being gone in 6 months because I'm not ready to do things they way they think I should? I don't know. Thank God I can come here and express my true feelings. I'm tired of pretending I'm fine. I'm not fine, you're not fine. We are grieving and it hurts like hell. We hear you!!
God's blessings.

Jan 28, 2011
me too
by: Anonymous

Hi, just days before my husband passed we went shopping for paint, new carpet and a new bed. My father had passed away in our house and we had to make some changes. My husband and I spent two days doing things together and we had fun. Because my husband and father were both very ill the last year it had very little fun in it. My husband said those two days were the best time he'd had in a long time, time we spent together doing something positive. I painted the bedroom. The carpet was installed while my husband was in critical care. The new bed was delivered. I told him over and over how much he would like how the room turned out. He never came home again. He died and now no one goes into that room. I like you, don't know what to do now. I go to work because I'm way too young to retire. I force myself to do every day things. I hope things improve for you and the rest of us. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Try to keep strong.

Jan 28, 2011
I need my huband back too!
by: Cindy

This is such a difficult road to travel in the dark and loneliness. I need my husband back too! I am so lost without him. We would have been married 35 years Feb. 7th. He has been gone since November 15, 2010. It is hard to carry on without him... he was my whole life and was so good to me. He would have been 64 on Feb. 19th and he was 10 years older than me. I was almost 19 when we got married and I don't know how to live this life without him. I am just sitting here crying my eyes out trying to write this. I pray that we find some comfort. Praying for you and everyone else on here this has to go through this same grief.

Jan 27, 2011
Make your own
by: Anonymous

List that is. It doesn't have to be 100 things, just a few a day. My husband just recently passed and I make myself complete three things a day. Getting out of bed can't count as one of them even though some days I wish it could. Any day with over 3 accomplished is a bonus but I don't let myself just sit and stare at his picture. It's hard for those of us that have older children. They go back to their lives and jobs while we just sit and miss our partner. I know what you mean though by saying who's going to tell you what to do. The enormity of that responsibility sometimes stops me in my tracks. I pray we both find our way soon.

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