The loss and passing on of a Truly GREAT great-grandmother!!!!
(San Francisco, CA)
I recently lost my great grandmother, a day before Thanksgiving. The funny thing is, I had this overwhelming feeling/urge to go and visit her the day before her passing! I sat next to her bed, and I knew in my heart that she had little time left here on this Earth. She could barely speak, she did not want to eat (which was very abnormal for her, she had a HUGE appetite lol) and she was in and out of—now that I look back consciousness—what I thought was sleep due to her meds. Before I left, she told me she loved me twice, although she could barley speak! That night, she had a fatal heart attack. I am very grateful and glad I got to see her before she passed.
The morning of her passing, I went to her house to say my final goodbye. I was in complete shock. I hardly cried. I was numb and I just sat there looking at her lifeless body. It all felt like a dream. I wanted her to wake up and say “just kidding everyone” and laugh loudly like her usual self. She didn’t and I just sat there. My sister and I found her stash of Vicoden. I had 4 within a few hours. I just sat on the couch a few feet away from her body, starring with my hoody on. I don’t even think I was thinking. I just sat.
Looking back, I know that God moved me to go visit her the day before her death. He knows I would not have been able to handle it had I not seen her that one last time. Heck, I can barely handle Mama’s death now! But I am. I have been feeling really sad, lonely and depressed lately. I have even been thinking about suicide, but haven’t got the nerve to do it! It’s not that I want to kill myself; it’s more like the stress of living, the sadness and anxiety, the loneliness that I wake up and face everyday makes me want to escape from it all. And death seems to be my only escape routes, at times.
I’ve been feeling like I am going crazy but I had no idea what it was that was bothering me so damn much! Now I know that I am still grieving although her death was a year ago this upcoming day before Thanksgiving. I have been feeling hopeless but I know that life is worth living. I know that she comes around me, as crazy as it may sound. I think about her, ream about her and feel her around me almost everyday! She was like my mother, she helped my grandmother raise me and we were very close.
We would gossip and chat for hours! I would drive up to her house just to hang out with my great grandmother. We would even talk on the phone. I have so many great memories of Mama that I could never forget! My favorite memory of her is when she bought me my 1st training bra. My grandmother refused to buy me one because I was very flat chested in middle school but I begged for one because all the other girls in the locker room were not wearing tee shirts as I was. My grandmother said no so I called Mama, crying to her that I wanted a bra sooooo bad!!! Within the next few days, I got a package in the mail from Macy’s or Nordstroms (can’t really remember) that had not one, but TWO bra’s in it from Mama!
Another great memory I have of Mama is all the times that she would come over to visit. I was a little cry baby, feisty, wild child that threw fits very often. She would come over and I would be in the corner or on time out for misbehaving and she would ask me “Darling, are you hungry? You must be because you are cross!” and she would take me up the street to the bagel spot for lunch! Often, just me! She made me feel so special and important. She always listened to me no matter what childish subject I would discuss with her. She never judged me she just listened. Oh how I miss that about her so much.
I recently (this semester) moved out of my home to campus. I, quite often, feel very isolated, lonely and sad. The peculiar thing is I lived 10 min walk away form Mama’s old apartment. Today, I realized that the reason for my deep feeling of hopelessness, sadness, anxiety and depression is that I am still grieving Mama’s death. I probably should not have moved away from my family so suddenly, especially without first properly grieving. But, I did and the fact that I am acknowledging these things is really helping me. For a minute there I though that I was losing my mind! I even sought meds for anxiety and depression a few weeks ago.
I still feel sad some days. Other days I feel fine. I won’t ever stop thinking about Mama. In fact, I will tell my nieces and my children stories about her! There will always be a hole in my heart that she took with her when she died. The pain will lessen but I don’t think it will ever do completely away. This is the 1st death of a person so very close to my heart and I am learning how to cope with her passing. At least now I know the source of my depression. It’s good to know and understand that it is normal too! It’s good to know that many people deal with all the feelings I am feeling. I am grateful to know that I AM NOT crazy!