the loss of a generation

My parents divorced when I was born. I never knew my father and was raised by my mother. My mother was bitter, stringent and humiliated me till I decided it was enough. In those days there was hardly any support. Every time I ran away I was brought back home. At the age of 11 I wanted to kill her (I didn't). At the age of 16 I left home for good. I was forced to look after myself, left school and started to work to provide for income and sustenance. I survived and gained many positive things from my independence.
The emotional side however seems not to have healed despite counseling and treatment. Time and again I ask(ed) myself the question:"why on earth do you take children if you do not provide for them?"
Now it seems this generation is dying out and I find myself with an almost uncontrollable grief. I can't concentrate. I find it hard to cope with the world around me. In the last 4 years 5 people who I was very close to have passed away. And I miss them so much. It is very difficult to focus. I find it impossible to write more. I am unable to open my e-mail or to communicate.