the loss of a secret love

he was never mine, I could never openly grieve, I wasn't told when the funeral was.
he is buried near to me and I visit the grave sometimes. I just stare at his name.
so many things I wished I had said.
So often I long for that connection we shared.

I wonder, was it real? am I remembering it how it was?
old memories circle in my mind.

I feel like a very special part of me has died. a part that I didnt even know about until he showed me.

but I still dont regret knowing him.

4 years have passed, but a part of me is back there, not able to let go.
I dont want to forget that feeling, and yet I am haunted by it.
I want to move on, but I dont want to forget. But if I dont forget I cant move on as I cant seem to be able to remember without yearning and wishing. Just to know he is alive, somewhere.
It was over before he died. but I was happy knowing that he existed. that somewhere he might be thinking of me.

Now I am the only person in the world who knows.

the world is just a paler place without him in it.

Comments for the loss of a secret love

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Nov 30, 2014
Devastated
by: Anonymous

Semi-secret lover (some--including my husband-- knew; others did not, as they might not have approved)passed away unexpectedly. I literally cannot express the depth of my sadness at his loss.

Nov 17, 2014
deep in grief
by: Anonymous

I met him at a time when both his and my marriages were on the rocks. We connected on such a deep level - he just got me. We loved the same things, we talked the same love language.. I looked forward to every single interaction with him. He awakened a part of my being that I had forgotten even existed. We let each other in with the full knowledge that things between us may or may not have worked.
Our relationship lasted 9 months - he had divorced his wife, but I was still trying to figure out how and if I should end my marriage. While I was in limbo he met someone else and our time together ended.
We did however stay in contact and over the next two years continued to share each others hopes and fears.
He had his demons. He suffered through massive bouts of depression. Loneliness ducked the life out of him... and when things turned sour between him and his partner he retreated back into his vault and succumbed to the darkness.
No amount of positive thought or light could bring him back from the edge of his reality and with me still married I feel he lost all hope hope and faith that he could find the kind of happiness that we shared.
He ended his life. Part of me died with him. I can't share my pain - no one really knows of our relationship. Parts of his family and friend circle probably blame me for the end of his marriage - even though he had emotionally checked out before we met.
I want so badly be at his memorial service, but it would likely be crossing a line and his loved ones may find it disrespectful - even though they do not know me.
The pain pain is agonising. . And to think that there will never be another conversation between us just kills another part of me me each day.
I wish he would have believed how unbelievably special he was. And how much value he added to people's lives.
I am devastated.
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ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
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Sep 29, 2014
secret lovers death
by: Anonymous

letting go is not easy as known this man for almost all the years of my life.i was only 11 years when he started teaching me until i was 13,he adored me so much as a child,he called me always when he wanted something from another teacher or at his room.He loved me a lot that he even made me feel the same,he was married to another woman but wanted to marry me too.I was unable to allow him because i always judged him according to his age.I am now 23 and he was 50 before he passed on the problem that im having is that i cant let hi rest in peace but instead i become weak day by day and im haunted by it everyday and i even think that i have to confess to but i dont know why

Mar 22, 2013
Sadness over secret lover
by: Anonymous

I had a secret lover.....22 year sexual relationship that lasted through his two marriages and my one marriage. No one ever knew or suspected. We knew each other from age 15 and were friends since then. We continued friends after the 22 years that we were lovers. There was never a way to marry and neither of us wanted to, but we didn't think we'd ever say goodbye, either. Then he died. I didn't know he was sick and was going through my own problems with my abusive alcoholic husband, who I finally left. During that time I had financial problems and nursed both parents while they died. So I was eager afterward to be in touch with my former lover because we always just enjoyed each other, talking and sharing memories. But he died just as all my problems were wrapping up, so I never got to contact him. I feel bad about that but there was nothing I could do any different. I wish I'd known he was sick. I wish I could have been supportive. I will always miss him so much. There isn't a gravesite, and I think he was cremated and his ashes spread in the ocean. I moved back to our hometown, where he lived, just before he died, and I go to the ocean now and think of it as his memorial (we spent many happy days at the beach, walking by the sea and swimming, even when we were teenage friends together). Grieving is so hard because no one can know. We counted on each other to be there until we were very old and expected to live a long time because our family members are usually long-lived.
Once when we were at the beach he said that Frisbees are like friends. They come back to you when the wind is blowing right. I know the wind will never blow right again in our case....miss you, my dearest G.M. Forever. Your friend, L.W.

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