The Loss of me

My sperm doner abandoned my brother and I when I was still an infant. My Mother worked to support us, she worked like it was the only thing that was keeping her alive. My Mom had a boyfriend that controlled our life and he continued to abuse me until I was 14. My Mom was so busy working and providing she neglected us and pawned us out to anyone who could/would be persuaded to watch us. As a result I was alone, alone with strangers, alone without parents, alone with evil, alone. That little baby was used, abused, neglected, abandoned and unloved. As I reflect on my life I realize that I wasn't taught to trust, talk, love or feel. I didn't have anyone to trust, no one protected me, no one talked to me. I was in so much pain my entire childhood, I couldn't believe that this was what life was about. I denied my childhood, even when I was in childhood, I put on a mask and lived in my denial, it was the only safe place for me. I continued with my mask on for decades, and only now half way through my life am I finally able to understand.

I am finally feeling... and it sucks that what I feel is the grieving for myself, for that child that wasn't loved or cared for. The pain seems unbearable to me, I could never understand why. I'm so angry. I hope that I can let this go and find acceptance so that I can enjoy a life.

Sometimes I am so angry I want to lash out and hurt everyone that was ever apart of my life during childhood. I want to hurt all those who didn't care enough about me, I want to hurt them. I don't know how to let it out, because I can't be that person... I need it to leave but don't know how.

Comments for The Loss of me

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Apr 05, 2012
by: Terri

thank you for sharing! Thank you for being brave enough to tell us your feelings! I hope it helped you to see what you are feeling outside of your head and maybe start to process it in a different light! I found that is what helped me the most. Please have faith that you will be able to find a love and live a great life, that one day you will be able to 'close that chapter' of your life and start the next!
Take care my friend!

Mar 14, 2012
by: Anonymous

Someone here, in the other part of the Earth, listens you

Feb 05, 2012
Sorry for your loss
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry that that has happened to you. I wish that you had given yourself a name, even if it was not your real name. The reason I say that is, it validates you as a person, because that is exactly what you are. Made in the likeness of God. I am so glad to hear that you have chosen not to express your pent up anger at those around you. Are you male or female. I guess in the end - it really doesn't matter. How old are you? Have you been struggling for a long time? Pain, is pain, and hurt is hurt, no matter where it comes from - can you find someone in your area to spend time with, to go for coffee and who will just listen to what you are going through. I am no counsel, but to me it sounds like you need a good friend, who is willing to accept you for who you are, and where you are at. Someone who is not going to judge you, and just let you be you. I hope you find that special person.

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