The Loss of me
My sperm doner abandoned my brother and I when I was still an infant. My Mother worked to support us, she worked like it was the only thing that was keeping her alive. My Mom had a boyfriend that controlled our life and he continued to abuse me until I was 14. My Mom was so busy working and providing she neglected us and pawned us out to anyone who could/would be persuaded to watch us. As a result I was alone, alone with strangers, alone without parents, alone with evil, alone. That little baby was used, abused, neglected, abandoned and unloved. As I reflect on my life I realize that I wasn't taught to trust, talk, love or feel. I didn't have anyone to trust, no one protected me, no one talked to me. I was in so much pain my entire childhood, I couldn't believe that this was what life was about. I denied my childhood, even when I was in childhood, I put on a mask and lived in my denial, it was the only safe place for me. I continued with my mask on for decades, and only now half way through my life am I finally able to understand.
I am finally feeling... and it sucks that what I feel is the grieving for myself, for that child that wasn't loved or cared for. The pain seems unbearable to me, I could never understand why. I'm so angry. I hope that I can let this go and find acceptance so that I can enjoy a life.
Sometimes I am so angry I want to lash out and hurt everyone that was ever apart of my life during childhood. I want to hurt all those who didn't care enough about me, I want to hurt them. I don't know how to let it out, because I can't be that person... I need it to leave but don't know how.