The loss of my brother to suicide

by Denise

It was April 25 2012, that i received an odd text from my brother,It read Take care of one the dogs for me I have the grandpa and uncle Jack curse one in every generation. that was at 8:02 pm didnt see it until 8:30pm, being I live at least 20 min from him called his ex wife who only lived 2 mile from him told her about the text that I received, she was on the way to his house ( you see my grandfather and my uncle also killed themselves) well his ex wife went he he was sleeping I was told she could hear him snore later I was told by the police that that was the death rattle only to find out the next day he shot himself I keep thinking that if I could of gotten to him why did I send her why didnt i go would I have found him or maybe just maybe he would of still been alive the guilt tears me apart i cry I can not concertrate on anything Im nummb im lost what am I to do Ilove him so much and I miss him so the guilt eats me up.

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Jun 06, 2012
I understand
by: Anonymous

I lost my daughter to suicide on July 2, 2007.. It has almost been 5 years... not a day goes by that I don't wish I had done something different that might have changed what happened... but beating yourself up doesn't help... and it never will. I finally came to term with that fact. I hope you do also so that you don't keep thinking it is somehow your fault because it is not.

Jun 05, 2012
loss of brother to suicide
by: by: Doreen England U.K.

Denise I am so sorry for your loss of your brother to suicide.
The if only's are part of the grief. There is no way you could have known otherwise an inner feeling would have alerted you something was wrong.
My sister felt the same way when her son of 30years old threw himself in front of an express train and he was in pieces there was no body that she could see. Her grief was great and she went mad with grief. It was a terrible time for our family. I don't know how we as a family got through this. My sister got a lot of outside support to cope with her grief. She needed a counsellor. She could not do this herself. Now she is helping me with the grief I am going through with the loss of my husband Steve from Lung Cancer. He died 4 weeks ago and I am in a hard place like yourself.
There will always be IF Only's. My sister said "If Only" I had let him come home when he wanted to. "If Only" I had not listened to people who told me the opposite that he is a man and you can't carry him. He was in distress and the mental health services let him down also and let him go when he should have been sectioned for depression. My nephew was on anti-depressants that caused suicidal feelings. We are all angry.
You will feel a lot of ANGER but don't turn it on yourself as you will suffer with depression.
I have felt suicidal many times suffering a lifetime of depression. Years of counselling has put me in a state of recovery and I am able to support others in this hard place. There are times one can do nothing if there were no warning signs that could alert you. The timing of the message on your phone could not have alerted you quickly enough to make a difference to the outcome. Your brother gave you a clue. But he also said this is what I want I can't cope anymore. I am going the same way as grandpa and uncle Jack. These 2 deaths in the family influenced his decision to end his life the same way. If you have any other members of your family who show the same tendency then this is a clue and warning signal to be alert and do something now so this does not happen again as your family members may be vulnerable and feel this is the only way out of difficulty. You may also need the curse of suicide broken off your family and you would need pastoral intervention here from the Church.
I hope I have not been too intrusive and this support helps you to move forward but also to heal from this tragedy.

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