the loss of my german grandmother

by barbara
(grants pass oregon)

I lost my mom's mom at the beginning of the month. its hitting my mom the hardest. I never liked how my grandmother treated me. she ran me over when i was almost 2 and at 15 she slapped me for not sweeping correctly and she would make me say everything i said over and over again until i said it proper and in lady like form. she would slap my elbows for putting them on the table and would always get mad at me for things i did and everything always had to be educational to her. well i feel horrible that she died the way she did i was not there when she died but I could not take watching her die it was really hard and nobody understood why. i was not that close to her and i was close to my other grandparents since i had grown up with them close to me. she treated me different from my brothers she loved my brothers. my other grandmother died in 04 right before I moved away from california. well my grandfather died in 98 from his heart and my step grandfather died in 94 from cancer. and my real grandfather i did not meet he died when my mom was 16. well I do feel bad that my grandmother passed away but at the same time I don't have my rocks anymore I dont have the understanding person to go to I dont have the person that taught me to cook or taught me to study my family history or taught me the piano if i ever have kids they will never get to see them if i ever get married they wont be there and it hurts. everyday something makes me think of them and i cry i know its okay to cry but my grandfather taught me a soldiers grand daughter does not cry. well she was the grandmother i was named after i don't know why. its hard watching my mom go through this loss its like she lost both of her parents all over again and it hurts i am doing everything i can but i feel like i have to walk on egg shells around her. well the family is fighting and i feel like we will never get along and i know my grandmother would be sick of the fighting but i know she is in heaven watching over me and she is with my grandpa being happy.