The Loss of My Husband to Betrayal

by Heather

Warning: My words come from deep-seated pain and despair. My story is unpleasant and nothing as clearly-defined as the loss of a loved one to death.

My story is complicated; my reason for grieving does not seem to fit into any specific category. I am grieving the loss of my husband, of my dreams, and of the last six years, which have lost much of their meaning and value.

My pain began 39 days ago when my husband shot himself in the head. I did not see it coming, I did not know what he was planning, and my heart stopped when the police came to my door. Despite all odds, he was found and taken to the hospital where angels disguised as doctors saved his life. For the next week, I lived at the hospital and waited to see whether the man I loved still existed. What I did not know yet was that the man I loved had been dead inside long before he shot himself.

I lived and breathed his recovery. His tiny growths were my joys, his struggles my fears. He eventually woke up, stood, walked, talked. He made miraculous growth and let hope flow through me like poison.

I soon learned that he had been making plans to do terrible things, to hurt other people. My gentle husband, who bought me flowers when I was sad, who held me when I cried over trivial things and who smoothed my hair at night as I fell asleep. I had been living a lie and I did not know it until my world was torn from me. His doctors said he is delusional, a sociopath that slips in and out of reality so easily that he did not even know he was doing it. Neither did I.

He lied to me. He deceived me. He took everything from me.

The hope in me wilted the day the authorities came to my house with a warrant. The day they listed my daughter and I as victims and started investigating the sickness in my husband's head. The things they found out...the pain he was planning...the disgusting, awful things he had intended to do...he shot himself to prevent it all. Perhaps there was still something honorable within him somewhere, or more likely it was entirely a selfish act.

My husband died the night he hurt himself, for me at least. He is alive physically, but there is little left of the person I knew. Now all I see is an act - one very large lie conceived to hide a malicious aspect to his personality. He did love me, for a time, and it was intimate and true. I do not know when he stopped, or if he even has. Perhaps he still loves me somewhere inside his bitter, hateful heart.

It doesn't matter.

I have lost my life partner, my dreams and my strength. I suppose I will eventually find new purpose and new dreams, but right now all I see is black.

To quote my husband's last words, "This was his greatest betrayal."

Comments for The Loss of My Husband to Betrayal

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May 03, 2013
Responding to "Loss of My Husband to Betrayal"
by: Anonymous

I just happened onto your post -- I don't know how long it has been up, or if you still come to this site to see if people have left comments. I just want to let you know how very sorry I am for the unbelievable pain you have suffered. What you have written about is truly tragic, and makes my own pain at having lost a 23-year marriage to my husband's mid-life crisis seem trivial in comparison. I think one of the most fragile and yet essential aspects of anyone's health is in their ability to trust. This experience must have left you completely devastated, to know that the person you trusted as your life partner truly was not who you thought he was. I am just so sorry and I wish you strength and courage as you continue to put your life back together.

May 02, 2013
by: Anonymous

It is very interesting that I stumbled upon this page. It has been seven months since my husband ran into the path of an oncoming truck. For twenty years, he had been my best friend. We were married for eight years and had two kids, four and seven. We had our challenges and rough years but the last couple of years were the happiest we'd shared. 8 days before he killed himself he exhibited signs of self-doubt. Four days before, he started acting like an insane person. I took him to the ER and they sent him home with me. Two days before, I took him to the local mental health clinic and they sent him home with me. So completely unbelievable that he is gone. I am just starting to let this sink into my heart. Unreal.

Jun 14, 2012
Your Story Is Also Mine
by: David

Sadly, you and I share a common loss. I was with Karen since she was 20 and I was 24. We fell instantly in love and did everything together. People commented on how rare our relationship was. And they were right. We had two wonderful children, and 17 extremely happy years together.

But slowly I began to see shifts in her. Disappearances, odd behavior. Than, amnesiac episodes, where she could not recall stretches of days. She seemed to me to be two people at times, dressing differently, speaking differently, listening to totally different types of music.

She eventually became paranoid delusional, believing that various friends were going to kill us. For a year we worked together in therapy, but ultimately, one day, she believed that I too was trying to kill her. She divorced me, believing that I was the man who had abused her when she was 4 years old (although this was of course impossible).

I lost the sweetest person that I have ever known to mental illness. I discovered that she had knives hidden all over the house to kill me with. She was heavily into drugs, took off with our kids' college fund and blew it all on drugs.

It has been 5 years since the divorce, but the trauma continues. We got shared custody, despite her sickness, and I have had to worry greatly when my kids spend time with her.

The pain of loss and betrayal go so deep. I discovered that she had had flings with dozens of strangers. I simply do not know if I can ever put this anger, pain, fear, and loss behind me.

Those of us who lose spouses to mental illness get no sympathy cards, no empathy, no anything. it is like we are scorned for being victims.

I deal daily with flashbacks of angry drug dealers threatening my kids, of knives, of her rages, of her drastic switches of personality.

I wonder if your husband had multiple personalities, as my ex does. The could explain his terrible plot. Did he have an abusive childhood? You loss might be easier to accept if you knew that it was an alter personality that was crazy, not your husband.

I will be praying for you. Praying that some day, the pain will be light enough that you will smile again and feel joy. and that day will come, trust me.


Feb 16, 2012
by: Anonymous

This was heartbreaking for you and I am truly sorry but he had a mental illness and did not mean to betray you. If you can forgive him that you may feel a little better. He tried to kill himself because in a part of his mind he wanted to save you from whatever he thought he might be capable of.
Have faith and try to go on.

Feb 06, 2012
Thanks for sharing
by: Karl

Your loss is no less than mine (My wife died last year to cancer) but certainly it is more tragic. Thanks you for taking the time to share your grief. I hope it was helpful to you. My heart goes out to you. Some things in life are just not fair.

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