The Loss of my Husband

by Chris

Dec. 11, 2010 has become the worst day of my life. My husband of 13 years at the age of 45 had a heart attack and left me alone. We have three children ages 12, 10, and 8. I still cannot believe he is gone, every night I pray so hard that this is all a nightmare and he wakes me up and I tell him about this horrible dream.

Mark was my soul mate and we did everything together I don’t know how to live without him. How can god take away my soul mate, lover and father to our children. Life sucks now, I walk around numb and people keep say it’s going to get better but I don’t think so, how could it when Mark is gone???

Comments for The Loss of my Husband

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Nov 26, 2014
The longer time passes, the worse I feel
by: Anonymous

To anyone who feels this way: it seems the longer time passes, I feel worse than the day my husband died in my arms in July 2012. I had read some of his old letters to me when he was in Vietnam (the war), and maybe that brought back a lot of the memories of our deep love and devotion.
He wrote loving letters, and I wished for those days to be here; he came home after his time there, and we helped each other get through that year, but he will not come home ever again.

Sometimes, I say when is the day I will give up; he wouldn't want me to, but he knew me well. He was my life for 46 years. I get nervous, depressed every single day and night. I am physically sick most of the time.

If I wasn't so scared and ignorant as to how to peacefully leave, and also not wanting to sin against God, I'd be gone too. The pain in my heart never ceases, people don't seem to care or understand. I'm alone in this grief, truly alone.

Does God forgive someone like me who just can't cope any more, and who feel sick, scared?

I have become bitter, and angry and feel as though I lost my husband, and I need to get even by doing things I normally would not do.

I'm lost forever. How does one go on?

ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!

Jun 18, 2013
To: Lisa
by: Appsphyl

I have been trying to get back on the other site and answer your comment of June 16, but have been unable to comment, so I found this site and hope you get this. I hope things are going good for you and that you are feeling better. I know we were meant to be friends and talk to each other. Looking at everything, Hugo died exactly 2 weeks before Bill died. I hope they both had a good father's day. I was shocked Friday night as a friend of Bill's that lives in Texas called me and wanted to know how I was doing. It was a little awkward and I cried a lot talking to him, but I felt better afterwards as at least it seemed that someone cared.
I really feel for you having to go through all you have to just to get to the cemetery. I know you are wore out by the time you get home and I wish I could be there with you.
I hope one day we are able to meet and sit down and talk about our wonderful husbands. I want to know more about you and Hugo and talk about the things you enjoyed.
I, too, am still angry and sad and can't wait to be with Bill again. I know he can't come back to me, so I just have to wait till I can join him one day. That is the only thing that keeps me going every day, is the knowledge that I will be with him again.
I do wonder about Bill and I know that he knows I am sad and miss him. I have a poem, My first Christmas in heaven, and one of the verses, states "I know how much you miss me; I see the pain inside your heart. But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart. So be happy for me dear, you know I hold you dear." I keep this on my dresser and I read it every morning and every night. It is beautiful and I cherish it so much. The funeral home gave me that for Christmas along with an ornament with his name and date of death on it with a dove.
I can't explain why I know we will be together one day, but I have to believe as that is what gets me up and going each day.
Lisa, you are not crazy and I wonder various things also. If you get this write me back and I am thinking of sending you my email address on this site as I feel we have really connected and want to talk to you more.
Please take care of yourself and know that Hugo loves you very much and is looking down on you and is with you. Looking forward to talking to you real soon and getting to know you better.
Peace be with you and know that God loves you and so do I. Take care. Love, Phyllis (your new friend forever)

May 05, 2013
Hope: by Annie
by: L:isa

Dear Annie,

I usually write on the other web page, ", my sweet and kind husband died 3 weeks ago"

I am sorry about your loss, and I too feel that no one understands us, expects us to "bounce" back and they really don't get it.

I have been so shaken, physically sick, emotionally sick, depressed, sad, lonely, and grief-stricken because I lost my husband and I can't stand being separated from him: he was my life for 46 years (44 years married), no children. That makes it harder, if it can be any harder. It hurts every day, all day and night.
He died from pancreatic cancer--it was diagnosed when it was already Stage 4, spread to liver, etc. He still didn't want to give up, neither did I: I researched all day and night, he took chemo, morphine for pain (all unusual for a once health, non-drinker, non-smoker); and we prayed for a miracle. No miracle with pancreatic cancer unless it is caught early, and it usually is not caught until it is advance to a point of no return. I took him to Johns Hopkins in Maryland, to hospitals in NYC; I begged for help, anything.

In the end, he held on for 5 hours that night he died. He did not want to leave me, he kept telling people he was worried about me. He held on, and finally when I told him to go to God, go to the light, to my parents, etc., he took his last breath. I don't know how I held it together--the hospice nurse was with me at our home. He died in our bedroom, and I can't put the scene out of my mind.

My heart is worse than broken; and like you said, there is no bandage, no pill, nothing. Only we who have been through it understand or care.
Friends and family have gone their own way.
I am a robot, just existing. I'm angry, sad, frustrated, and I cry a lot. I have no idea what my future will be; I'd rather just go to sleep and not wake up and be with him again.

I'm sorry I'm no help; but the same things are spoken in the group sessions: we all share our thoughts about that dreaded word, "death."

Hope you will try writing on the othe web page--they are all under, but under different sayings like the one I wrote above.

God bless, Lisa (Liz) is the name I usually use on that other web page.

Jan 22, 2013
3 sad months
by: Anonymous

my lovely normal happy go lucky husband killed himself after suffering months of depression. we are pensioners and very, very happy with still a lot of loving and plans for the future. I stayed with my daughter for two months and went back home after new year. I think i must have just felt numb before then although i never slept through the night and missed him dreadfully all the time now i feel even worse. The days arent so bad but the nights are dreadful. I fall asleep but wake about 2/3 a.m. and probably hourly after that. I am totally exhausted. Please someone tell me it gets better.

Sep 28, 2012
My Sweet Wonderful Husband
by: ursula

It has been 22 weeks for me that I lost my sweet wonderful husband unexpectedly. It still feels like it happened yesterday and I feel exactly the way everyone else on this site does. Two things have helped me though. Two books - To Heaven and Back by Dr. Mary Neal and a book called I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodby. Also I'm seeing a psychiatrist regularly. This is something I will never get over but I am finally slowly moving but not a day goes by i don't cry. I like everyone cannot imagine a future without my husband. We were together 37 years. Try the books - they are some relief...

Oct 28, 2011
20 days
by: debbie

I lost my husband 20 days ago - 5 days before my 21st wedding anniversary, he was only 42 and has left me and our 16 year old son behind. I also keep expecting to see him and am so numb at times. It is like part of me just won't believe this is real.

On the 6th august we moved to the uk to start a new life then the 11th september he was diagnosed with lung cancer, my son and I watched him fade away till he could barely walk and on the 6th october his bowel perforated from diverticulitus, he passed away on the 8th oct.

It all feels like it was someone else, my son and I go back to south africa on sunday as we can't stay here without him. His ashes now lay in cardiff with his moms and still my mind can't conceive he won't walk through a door and say I am back.

I am so afraid, how after you loose the love of your life are you meant to carry on...

Reading what each of you wrote my heart breaks for us all, I don't know what to say except I pray that the pain will ease for us all

Aug 22, 2011
Joanne I feel for you
by: Anonymous

When does it hit you???? It takes so long and then there are days that I will can not believe it. It has been 35 weeks since my husband passed away and sometimes I sit here wandering did this really happen or did I just dream it??? I should say have a nightmare. I so want him to come back home I would give anything for that to happen. I think for the first several months I was numb and then it gets worst because I can not separate myself anymore from it. In the beginning I could almost say and not think of it. It's not real, but now i am hit with the reality and it SUCKS. I am not sure my life will ever be normal again all my hopes and dreams died on 12-11-10. My life will never be truly happy again without him.

May 24, 2011
Five weeks
by: Joanne

I lost my husband may 14, 2011 from cancer he was diagnosed five weeks prior. I am so numb I can't even cry this is just so unbelievable I keep waiting for him to come thru the door. When will this really hit me

Apr 10, 2011
I lost my husband on 5th March
by: Sue

My husband was the bravest most uncomplaining man I have ever known. We had been married for 42 years. He went into renal failure last July and I had been nursing him at home since then. The toxins in his bloodstream caused him to become delirious and, right until the end, he kept asking me to take him home. He was so ill, developed huge bedsores in spite of all my care and at the end would not eat or drink. I think he actually wanted to end it all It didn't matter how many times I told him we were at home, he never believed it. He died in my arms and I thought that this would be comforting but it is absolutely terrible. I keep thinking there was more that I could have done, and that he might still be alive if only I had tried harder. This grief feels as though it is tearing me to pieces. I feel so alone, My children live far away and I don't want to burden them with my suffering when they are mourning so much themselves.

Mar 29, 2011
by: Annie

I lost my husband of 31 years on December 21, 2010. He was diagnosed with cancer on July 27th so I did have almost four months with him. People say at least I had that time with him but I was too busy taking care of him, trying to find the cure for cancer and watching him deteriorate further every day. This situation that is called "Grief" is so hard. It has been over three months since I lost him and it is harder now. I guess the numbness has worn off and reality is setting in. The loneliness is over-whelming. I miss him so much. I did start going to grief therapy and that has helped. I have learned that this society does not understand, talk about or honor grief. A lot of my friends and family can't understand why I am not "normal" again after three months. This just adds additional anxiety on me. My head tells me to get on with my life but my heart does not want to. It is like my head and heart are in conflict. My heart is broken and there is no bandages, pills or surgery that can fix it. So I will continue with my therapy and hope one day I will be "normal" again.

Mar 25, 2011
by: Anonymous

My husband was killed on February 20, 2011 in a boating accident. He was a passenger on the boat and the owner hit a water marker and my husband died of horrible multiple injuries. I didnt see him the morning he left and never got to say goodbye. I feel absolutely devastated and although a month has gone by, can't believe this happened to him. He was my best friend, love of my life and the man i waited my whole life for. We had only been together since 2006, married in 2007 and felt like we had our wholes lives yet ahead of us. his stepdaughter, my daughter adored him and now it is like things were before we met, we are alone and I can't stop crying, every night I go into our room and cry until I can't anymore. I dread the holidays and firsts that he won't be here for. If I feel like this now, I can only imagine how much worse it is gonna get.

Feb 19, 2011
how to handle this
by: Chris

Well its been 10 weeks today that I lost my best friend, husband and father of our 3 children. I feel the pain even stronger now today then that horrible day back in December. i love my husband and can not seem to say goodbye. he left so suddenly and my counselor thinks it would be helpful if I said good bye but I can't. I just want him to come back home and to me saying goodbye means the end. I am still in denial I think because I can not say goodbye I love him and want to be with him. Why does this have to hurt so much. I can not handle this horrific pain that I am feeling it hurts to breath sometimes. I just want Mark and I to be together forever here, people say he is with me always and in the kids but dam it that is not good enough I want his physical being too.

Jan 07, 2011
the pain continues
by: Chris

Today is my husband's Birthday and I can not sleep, I can not get through this day without him. He has been gone for less then a month yet it feels like forever. i should be holding him right now but instead I'm crying and looking at pictures and listening to "Our Song" it is just not fair, how could this be happening to me. We loved each other with everything we had he was my soul mate, lover and best friend we shared everything possible and now it is gone. Marky just please come back me and the kids miss you so much I don't know how to live or function without you. we are a family and we need the missing link. I can not be without you. Tell me how this gets better????

Jan 05, 2011
I know
by: Chris

Some people say the dumbest things; the only thing that will help me is to bring Mark back. I pray everyday that this is all a nightmare and he will wake me up. We are a family and I am not sure how to be a single parent.

Jan 04, 2011
My loving husband also passed away
by: AWF

I just lost my husband as well on Dec.29. Our 2 children 12 and 9 years old watched their father die of cancer. Even though I have known for a year that this day would come, it has not been any easier. I'm lost and numb. People keep asking me if they can do anything - yeah bring him back.

Jan 04, 2011
by: Pam

I feel your pain. I can't imagine how hard it is to be able to grieve and take care of children at the same husband died November 19, 2010 and our son is grown and lives in another state. I would think that you would be so busy taking care of them that you might forget to take care of yourself.

Be kind to yourself, you are not alone. There are broken hearts all over this website and we all understand exactly how you feel. I too wonder what God's plan is, why he would take such good people that are loved. I scream and yell in my pillow, and if people ask how I am I tell them the truth, it makes it easier for me, maybe for you as well.

Jan 04, 2011
Loss of my husband
by: Jeanne in CA

It breaks my heart to read your entry which speaks of such emotion and heartbreak that it shouts out your pain. It is also so inline with all the folks who post on this site. We know and understand exactly where you are and how you feel. You will be so happy you found this site where you can express yourself and be totally understood. You have found a good place to be so use this resource as we all do. It has helped me immensely. This is a first step.

Jan 04, 2011
by: Anonymous

Don't worry about what everyone says right now. There is no set time for "it getting better" as everyone puts it. Just feel what you feel. We all grieve at our own pace and in our own ways. Invest in lots of kleenex and allow yourself to grieve. Don't be afraid to yell at God. Someone once told me he could handle it. They were right. My prayers are with you.

Jan 04, 2011
One Month For Me
by: TrishJ

I lost my wonderful husband on December 3, 2010. I don't feel like I've made much progress the past month. I'm still numb. I made it through the holidays on auto pilot. My days are long and lonely. I'm frightened at the reality of facing this year without my husband.

Everyone says to take it one breath, one step at a time. I can't sleep, don't eat much, my hands shake, I spend most of the day crying. I too asked God Why? I'm told God has a plan and a reason for everything. Nothing makes much sense to me right now.

It's a terrible loss. Our lives will never be the same again. It's almost like learning to walk all over again. We have to be strong and learn to live our lives in a different way. "Hold on your wonderful memories," everyone keeps telling me. The memories are too painful to think of right now. I'm praying for us both to make little baby steps for the next year.

Please know that you're not alone. This web site is very comforting. Come and write your thoughts as often as you need to. There are a lot of caring and wonderful people here who understand.

Jan 04, 2011
You are not alone.
by: Mike


We all know how it feels and I am sorry for your loss. I lost my wife on Dec. 1st unexpectedly. She died in her sleep and wouldn't wake up the next morning.

There is no easy way off this path we were forced to take and I know how you feel when people say things. Whenever someone asks me how I'm doing I tell them not good. How do they think I'm doing? I'm a basket case.

I am starting a 6 week grief support group tomorrow at a local hospital. I know it won't fix what is wrong but I am hoping to get some comfort from it. I am also seeing a counselor weekly. I don't know if that might be an option for you. I find the loneliness to be the hardest part right now.

I wish you luck on this journey we both face. One day the memories will make you smile instead of cry. I hope mine do.


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