The loss of my soulmate and the love of my life

by Lisa
(Knoxville, Tennessee)

Twenty-two days ago, the love of my life, my soul mate, my fiancee, didn't wake up. Randy was only 56. We were in love at 16 and through unfortunate circumstances, we spent many many years apart. 15 months ago, I received an email through Classmates. It said I had a private email. I knew immediately who it was from. I opened it and then sat on the response for 4 days. It was a very general email with "how are you" and the story of his life. These were things I already knew. I had never lost sight of him. I knew of his marriage and his child and all the places he had lived. Even though I had been married also, I had always been unhappy. Not a day had gone by without thoughts of him. I finally emailed back and found out he was in the midst of a divorce also and that he was sick. He had been diagnosed with MS the previous year. My heart melted and the rest is history. We emailed and talked and met a week later in person. It was as though we had always been together. We learned that we should have always been together. He loved to tell the story of our love and would always say that I was the one he should have married when we were 16. His illness came and went and after a particular trying hospital stay in the fall, he started to get his strength back. His last MRI went from 90% coverage of his brain in white matter, to 10% and no solid patches, just sprinkles. The neurologist said it was a miracle. He worked very hard on regaining his strength. He asked me to marry him and to spend the rest of our lives the way it should have been. As spring moved forward, we made plans. He made plans for us and our future. Each day was wonderful. We picked out a house and were in the process of buying it. On Monday, April 7, 2014, the love of my life simply did not wake up. I am completely shattered. I know how much he loved me and I am certain he knew how much I loved him. But how do I go from here? I don't want to go on. I keep thinking I will wake up from this nightmare and he will be beside me but it's not happening. I stumbled through the motions of the services and burial but there is a crushing pain that I can't seem to get beyond. Nightmares and guilt. What did I miss? How could I have changed the outcome? What did I do wrong?

Comments for The loss of my soulmate and the love of my life

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May 02, 2014
no need
by: Lawrence

There was absolutely no need to apologise and I didn't take your comments personally.
Your contributions to this web site are so valued and I'm sure read over and over by us all,please never stop..
Bless you.

May 02, 2014
Sorry if I offended You
by: Doreen UK

Lawrence I am sorry if I offended you. I think you misunderstood me. It has been taken out of context. When you said You torment yourself with guilt" "You should have known". I was trying to allow people to look at things from another aspect to help take away one's guilt. You are perhaps one of the fortunate one's who did tell your wife every day that you loved her. Not all of us did. So this is not directed at you. For many of us who didn't say I love you every day to our loved one. They would have known by one's ACTIONS. You must have heard that well known statement. "Actions speak louder than words." It is never my intentions to offend anyone by what I say. But sometimes this can happen. I stand corrected and APOLOGISE for any HURT or OFFENCE I caused you by what I said. Best wishes.

May 01, 2014
by: Lawrence

Oh! Doreen you are so wrong, I told my precious wife every day how much I loved her.
I CHERISHED her from the very first moment I saw her at the youth club when she was fourteen,until the moment I closed her eyes and kissed her goodbye on her death bed seventy years later, and I will cherish her memory for ever,the agony of losing her will never go.
You are so wonderful with your comments and I know helping so many people as you did me when I was desolate at my own loss.
Many thanks from us all on this web site.

May 01, 2014
Shedding our guilt over things unsaid.
by: Doreen UK

It occurred to me from reading Lawrence's post
that we All take life for granted. And why shouldn't we. We were given this life by God and we try to live it Well and as best as we are able to. Trials and Tribulations come and we try to overcome them doing what we have to. We don't always get it right. BUT WE TRY. That is all God asks of us. God is perfect. WE AREN'T YET. Only when we meet with God and changed from our imperfection will we be Like HIM. For we shall see him as He is.
Grief does assault us with guilt. This we have to hand to God. Failings spring from our grief and we wonder why we didn't put certain things in place, or perhaps act quicker. Our Humanity kicks in and we learn that we didn't get to say all the things we want to say when we had time to say it. Why? Because life happens and something always intrudes our space. The years go past all too quickly. WE wonder what is around the corner tomorrow and will we survive to tell it like it is? WE HURT. As Lawrence says. "Why didn't I tell my beloved wife/husband what they meant to me? How happy I was to be with them? How much I loved them? What we don't express in words are felt by ACTION in the daily loving things we do for each other. ACTION is interpreted as "I LOVE YOU" " YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME" "YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING" We say what we mean through action and not words. WE are not meant to think of death whilst we are in the fullness of loving each other and happiness. It would somehow spoil our day and theirs. We don't talk of death because it is MORBID to do so and we would find people move away from us. Because this is what DEATH does. It is UGLY. But a part of life. Then let us shed our guilt. Our loved one's cannot feel anymore what we feel we never said. BUT THEY KNEW deep down in their heart. Some/many didn't get the chance to tell us how much we meant to them./They meant to us! Does it matter now? I guess not because deep down our loved one's knew in unspoken language what we meant to them, and what they meant to us. Let this comfort each of you as you go through the anniversary of your loved one's passing. BE AT PEACE!!

Apr 30, 2014
loss of love
by: Anonymous-----MI

Lisa, I am sad for you and the sorrow you feel now. 17 months ago my husband--my only love--died of SCA and I feel so isolated and alone because all the people around me still have their spouses--their loves and I suddenly found myself spinning in another world. Not the safe happy and comfortable world with my dear husband of 43 years. What I was so joyous and secure with was suddenly ripped from my arms and my heart. I have been spinning, unbalanced and crushed since that day when my wonderful husband had to leave me, my adult children (and their spouses) and my 4 grandchildren. We all adored and loved him; he was our 'go to person' always helping us and giving us so much of himself. I trust in God to give us strength but the grief and pain remains--as Lawrence says 'this is life'. Lisa, I pray that you can and will take one day at a time and not look too far ahead--that will only overwhelm you. Get through one day and then go to the next and the next. We each will travel this journey of grief in our own way; some will feel stronger earlier than others---it is so individual; we must grieve as our hearts and minds lead us; not on anyone's time table but in our own time. May God bless you and all on this site.

Apr 30, 2014
Deepest sympathy
by: lawrence

I can only repeat what our lovely Doreen said,
“You did nothing wrong”, its just life.
What a beautiful story with such a sad tragic ending, but there was nothing to miss, and there was no way you could have foretold him dying in his sleep, if only we could see into the future
I should have known when my beautiful precious wife cupped my face in her hands and kissed me saying gently “thank you for marrying me and giving me such a wonderful life”
Why didn’t a warning flash in my brain, after all we had been together for nearly seventy years.
I did ask her if she was OK and she said she was fine, but died two days later, how did I miss that signal, she knew she was going to die.
Like you, I torment myself with guilt.
It is such early days for you and you must do what nature demands which is to cry and cry and scream out at the world for taking your Randy from you, believe me it does help.
You have, unfortunately, joined a web site of people tormented with grief at losing a loved one, so read all our stories and perhaps you will get some relief from your overwhelming pain and see you are not alone.
We all know what you are going through.
With deepest sympathy.

Apr 30, 2014
The loss of my soulmate and the love of my life
by: Doreen UK

Lisa I am sorry for your loss of the love of your life to a sudden death.
You didn't do anything wrong. He died suddenly and quickly.
Just when life is good and getting better and we are in a happy place does such things happen and we can't understand why.
My husband and I were looking forward to retirement and he died 2yrs. ago next Monday from a serious deadly cancer. I feel life was unfair to us, and he didn't get the time he deserved from working hard for 47yrs. He felt cheated. But I am thankful I had him for those 47yrs. 44yrs married. I thank God I didn't lose him earlier in life when the children were young. I wish he was still here, but I grieve with hundreds of other people going through the same struggles of the loss of a loved one. Life is often unfair, but we don't get a say on who lives and who dies. It is so hard to understand death, and the pain of grief that tears us apart. The pain goes on for months and sometimes years. WE just find a way to cope with each day. But the best way forward is ONE DAY AT A TIME.

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