The loss of my soulmate and the love of my life
Twenty-two days ago, the love of my life, my soul mate, my fiancee, didn't wake up. Randy was only 56. We were in love at 16 and through unfortunate circumstances, we spent many many years apart. 15 months ago, I received an email through Classmates. It said I had a private email. I knew immediately who it was from. I opened it and then sat on the response for 4 days. It was a very general email with "how are you" and the story of his life. These were things I already knew. I had never lost sight of him. I knew of his marriage and his child and all the places he had lived. Even though I had been married also, I had always been unhappy. Not a day had gone by without thoughts of him. I finally emailed back and found out he was in the midst of a divorce also and that he was sick. He had been diagnosed with MS the previous year. My heart melted and the rest is history. We emailed and talked and met a week later in person. It was as though we had always been together. We learned that we should have always been together. He loved to tell the story of our love and would always say that I was the one he should have married when we were 16. His illness came and went and after a particular trying hospital stay in the fall, he started to get his strength back. His last MRI went from 90% coverage of his brain in white matter, to 10% and no solid patches, just sprinkles. The neurologist said it was a miracle. He worked very hard on regaining his strength. He asked me to marry him and to spend the rest of our lives the way it should have been. As spring moved forward, we made plans. He made plans for us and our future. Each day was wonderful. We picked out a house and were in the process of buying it. On Monday, April 7, 2014, the love of my life simply did not wake up. I am completely shattered. I know how much he loved me and I am certain he knew how much I loved him. But how do I go from here? I don't want to go on. I keep thinking I will wake up from this nightmare and he will be beside me but it's not happening. I stumbled through the motions of the services and burial but there is a crushing pain that I can't seem to get beyond. Nightmares and guilt. What did I miss? How could I have changed the outcome? What did I do wrong?