The Loss of My Twins
(Jax Beach, Florida)
I honestly don't know where to begin. All my life I wanted a family to have that feeling of closeness, of love. For many years I've been a single mother to a son, but in my last relationship I had two opportunities to have my dream come true. In 2008, I lost a baby at 8 weeks...my child was lost due to selfishness, immaturity, financial devastation. I was beyond devastated for months. I believe I blamed my partner....why couldn't he get it together.....
why couldn't he be supportive. I didn't understand.
Its been almost 3 years of trying....medical, financial, and major trust issues later....I found out I was pregnant. The timing was horrible, my relationship on the rocks to say the least.....but I prayed that this time, this time things would be different. That he would be there for me and the baby. I got my sonogram. I was scared but couldn't have been more excited....I get another chance I wanted a girl more than anything. He said he would be there work on our relationship....he would be a father to this baby. In my heart I didn't believe him....I felt like I would be alone....and during my next week of pregnancy he walked out on us.
Not again, I thought to myself.....he promised....he seemed so sincere. He wanted to be a dad....why couldn't he put the baby before himself???? I spent the next week alone before my before my next sonogram....I was a high risk pregancy....and would have to be seen often. I sent him the sonogram picture....and the next day I get a reconciliation notice.....only to find out later that night he had been seeing someone else. It sent me into a panic....the anxiety washed over my body. I felt sick to my stomach. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe.
The next morning I woke up to tremendous pain in my abdomen. I was scared to death, please God I prayed. Laying on the table my legs were trembling. I was alone, terrified....they rubbed the wand across my belly .....they couldn't find a heart beat. I laid there crying, sobbing, screaming.....nooooooo, please.....nooooooo. I was so distraught...they gave me a day before they scheduled a DNC. I was numb. I was broken. I shook uncontrollably while in the waiting room. The needle to numb me couldn't come fast enough...I prayed....please don't let me feel anything, nothing at all. They did an ultrasound and confirmed that there was no heartbeat. Please make this pain end I thought. I can't handle another loss in my life. I went home curled up in bed and cried for hours. The next day I walked around like a Zombie....I felt like I couldn't breathe. I've loss my relationship, I've lost my baby. That night I started to hemorrhage....losing more blood than I thought my body would hold. The doctors and nurses knew how broken I was....I was barely functioning and scared for my own life. I was drowning. When I regained feeling in my body....the doctor and counselor spoke to me and let me know I was really pregnant with twins. Monoamniotic twins. It sounded like something from a SciFi movie. My loss was now amplified by two. They didn't tell me the day before as I was so unstable and alone. It has now been 6 days since my loss. My heart is aching. I'm hurt, angry....I feel like I have been stripped of my dream, my chance at happiness.....my family. Please....watch over my Angels.....I am so empty without them.