the loss of my wife

by graham roy minshall
(telford u.k)

January 15th 2014 the day my world stopped.My wife of 47yrs died due to a burst aorta in her chest there was no warning she was going up to bed when she collapsed on the top of the stairs there she died ambulance got her to hospital but there was no hope I was able to hold her hand for 15 minutes she did not know her family where with her .the grief I have is so terrible I can not see any future for me as she was a wife lover friend companion the love of my life life is empty this void I can not fill I try to do things with my 3 children well they are adults but to me my kids my wife was only71yrs old me 68yrs I get angry not with ethel but with life that I am here alone am told time makes things easier I find as time passes it is getting harder to cope with life without her so now I have got nasal cancer do I try and fight it or let things take its course so then I can go and be with her
roy minshall


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Jul 02, 2014
the loss of my wife
by: Doreen UK

Graham people may tell you it gets easier in time, and we know it but this is not the time to say so. The grief pain is horrendous and you feel as if it is going to be this way forever. We are not able to change how we feel either. We have been assaulted by grief and never knew what to expect. This is the time of life that couples should be enjoying their retirement. Not burying there wife/husband.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. to cancer 2yrs. ago and I still feel grief more now than a few months ago. Memories return that we have no control over and then the grief starts all over again. No one can ever imagine how this grief feels. My husband died at 65yrs. of age. He would have been 67yrs. 3 weeks ago. I am almost 66yrs. and this is not an easy age to start re-structuring how we want our lives to be. I know how you feel to lose your wife after 47yrs. It is not easy to overcome our loss when we lived with our partners for so many years.
I am so sorry to hear you have nasal cancer. I think you should FOCUS on YOURSELF for now try to LIVE ONE DAY AT A TIME. Don't give up! We are of an age when we will have limited years to live out our life. Try your best to make each day count by surrounding yourself with your adult children. Let them know what your needs are and how they can help support you through your cancer. Don't suffer alone. Taking one day at a time is how I have moved forward. 2yrs. on I can only still TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME. I can't plan ahead. My daughter wants me to go on holiday in November and I can't think that far ahead. I daresay that you will be allocated a Macmillan nurse. Try your best to avail yourself of all the support you can. My husband had a horrendous cancer journey (having worked with asbestos) his cancer was terminal and he suffered greatly. Not all cancers are the same. But the care you should receive will help you get through this. Just don't shut yourself away from people. You will be intensifying your grief.
I hope that you get the right care and support through your cancer care and that you will survive and get your life back in time.

Jul 02, 2014
Deepest sympathy
by: Lawrence

Dear Graham,
My deepest sympathy at losing you precious wife Ethel and your words scream out your anguish and heartache.
Everybody on this web site has stood in your shoes having lost a beloved wife or husband and feels desperately sad for you.
I lost a beautiful wife on Chrismas day 2012 in circumstances very similar to your own, one minute we were talking and then she just died in my arms and two hours later I was closing her eyes and kissing her goodbye on her deathbed surrounded by our family, and thanking her for seventy wonderful years.
Yet, here I am sending you the message that life does go on, when like you I wanted to join her but my family persuaded me they needed me more than ever as I’m sure yours do.
I am a lot older than you and yet I lead a frantic life to stop me dwelling on the pain of my loss.
It is imperative you get out of the house every day, don’t sit there and grieve alone, go to the local library and read the newspapers, join a social club where you will meet other widowers, learn to play bridge as I am doing and let me tell you at the age of eighty five it isn't easy but I have mastered it, nearly.
If you are computer literate sit down and write the book of your wonderful life together, I have written dozens of books, total rubbish most of them but it keeps my mind from dwelling on my grievous loss. I have no need to tell you that this is the worst you ever feel for the rest of your life.
People will tell you that they know what you are going through, well they don’t, and you have to lose a loved one to feel the aching pain, loneliness and the empty house where once there was so much laughter and happiness to know.
I know you won’t believe me but the tears will ease as the months go by, but if you are anything like me they can spontaneously explode.
I was playing a song called “BECAUSE YOU’RE MINE on the organ last night and decided I would like to hear Mario Lanza sing it, so I GOOGLED it and saw him singing, that’s when the tears started., I could only watch a few seconds before I switched it off weeping bitterly, longing to hold my dear sweetheart again..
You say you have nasal cancer, well you must fight it in every way you can, just as your lovely Ethel would expect you to do.
Life is not easy being a widower but you must thank God for the wonderful passionate years you had together, so few people experience it
So go for all the treatments and please God you will get over this other nightmare and start living again albeit without your beloved Ethel.
From one widower to another.
My deepest sympathy

Jul 02, 2014
by: Kim

Roy - I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You message broke my heart. I am 33, and last week I lost my dad suddenly in a swimming accident. he was 62. I am in pain for not only my own loss, but my mom's. Like you, my dad was her other half, and she feels so lost and alone. They did everything together! So I am seeing a similar pain to yours, from the outside.

And so I have to ask you to fight for the sake of your children. My dad was everything to me, and losing him has been the greatest suffering of my life. And I am angry at the universe which no longer makes sense to me. But I am very slowly starting to realize that as sad as I am, I have to honor him by staying in the relationships with other people in my life. I have been trying to encourage my mom to do the same, knowing that her life has completely changed, and her adjustment is much larger than my own. But I know, that if I were to lose my mom right now, that just might put me over the edge. Try to fight for your children if you can find it in you. I have to imagine that they need you.

My husband lost his own father 4 years ago, also in an accident, and he said something to me recently that I never considered. He said that it's possible to be sad and happy at the same time. We know a loss that will make us sad for the rest of our lives. But we can have happy moments too. Accepting that they aren't mutually exclusive was a new concept for me.

Grief is astounding. I am so sorry for your pain. Light and love to you.

Jul 01, 2014
by: SUE

Hi Graham,I have been where you are now, I often think if I had cancer I would do nothing about it, now I look at my children and think there is no way I could do that to them. When my husband was dying I said I can't do it without you, He answered me simply" you are all they have please for me and the children PLEASE stay with them"22 months into my grief I am pleased I have hung on,although life has its dark dark days the clouds are getting lighter.God is good I have put my faith in him and ask him every day to help me to take each step with me moving one foot and him moving the other.There was no one more devoted to each other than me and my husband and I miss him with all of my heart,but God has another plan for us I still don't know what mine is.At the moment it is to be with my chicks,so hang on in there God willing things will get a little easier for you.

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