The Love I never had....

I really can't explain why I feel such a loss. Whether it's anger for never seeing the person for who they really were, or the hurt they inflicted on my kids and I, or the fact that I was in love all by myself.
A 15 year relationship....she was cheating from day one, and I never knew. Six years in, she had a breakdown because I found out about the affairs. Because of my kids, I tried harder thinking it was my fault. I listened to her lies that it was my fault. For the next 8 years she waltzed back in forth in our lives, until we all, had enough. She left one day,then called the next, that she made a mistake running, and wanted to come back, but none of us wanted to speak to her, and my kids did not want her hack in the home. Then called that she was getting married, within 30 days of leaving.
Three weeks later, the texts and phone messages started. "I want to come home". "I thought getting married would be the best thing, I was wrong". As good as it felt knowing she was an idiot, I was a bigger idiot for entertaining the thought. She texts the kids, it's been 12 days since she last sent them anything. Her friend called to tell me she already cheated on the new husband, yet I still miss something I never had. And it seems the pain, will never stop.

Comments for The Love I never had....

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Mar 27, 2013
The Love I never had pt 3
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Anonymous, This sounds like a great idea to get away for a break to clear your head. You will be in a better frame of mind to know what your next step is. You say your partner has not contacted you in a while. This may be a good thing. You could do without further aggravation that would only add to your stress at the moment. You are a great father and carer to your children. They need this stability otherwise they will suffer emotionally.
Pat's post was excellent advice and support to you. I hope you can take on board what she has advised you to do. Don't look back with regret. Don't let any change in her change your perspective or mind to let her back into your life? You are vulnerable just now looking for love. You have needs. The children have needs. Try and see a family counsellor if possible. To help you work out a better solution for all of you that is manageable and can help you move forward a little from where you are.
Don't rush to move forward. This will take time. There is the children's schooling. Your work. Who will care for the children on a daily basis if you are at work? so much going on and to think of and you need support. Don't do this all alone. You are in a hard place right now. But don't lose heart. Everything is workable. You just need the right people on your side to help put a care plan together. The sun will shine for you again. You will get things sorted out. You will find love again in your life. Remember to put God at the front of your problems and tell God how you need him more now than ever. The church may also be able to support you in pastoral care and counselling. Best wishes my friend and keep us posted every step of the way so you don't feel so alone. God be with YOu.

Mar 26, 2013
The Love I never had pt. 3.
by: Anonymous

Feeling really angry this last week. I just want to hurry up and move on. Her contact with me has stopped for the moment. Last contact was 3/16, the boys last heard from ther thru text on 3 21. Is it actually possible to move on without seeing your kids since January, or speaking to them either. Very bitter. The boyx are starting to feel the same, angry. I need to get with them, take a small break out of town. Think we'll head out this weekend, see if we cant clear our heads a little. Pray for us, Thanks.

Mar 19, 2013
Thanks
by: Anonymous

Thank you Pat & Doreen, for your words of encouragement. Both of your comments are dead on. She has had personal issues that I was not aware of until the 6th year. I feel for my boys, who have had to build walls, to eliminate her drama and pain she causes. I know now,that I am not dealing with a well person, and that we can't fix her. What I have to do is stop trying to figure out why she does what she does. All I know, Is I call my boys 3 times minimum in the morning, to check on them and tell them I love them. And the same amount before I get home. I just can't imagine, not being with my kids.
Thanks again for your support and words of kindness.

Mar 19, 2013
Dear Love I Never Had.....
by: Pat in Missouri

I am so sorry you have had to endure all of this. The woman you married is not the woman you have been longing to love. I do not want to "hit you between the eyes," but you do need some objective help. This woman is clearly mentally unstable. I think you see that, but you are longing to make it work because of your own need to be loved. I suspect that this sad woman was probably abused at some time in the past and that is why she is seeking love from wherever she can get it. I doubt she ever felt loved as a child. She has an agenda that needs to be fulfilled, but it should not be you and your children. If she cheated on you from day 1 and has been cheating with everybody else she has been with, she will do it over and over again. She needs professional help.

As for you and your children, it is time to accept the inevitable, seek a legal divorce, and move on. I can tell you are a wonderful man and father. You are trying to keep your family together, but since you are in the midst of the battle, you have been unable to accept the inevitable. I have been divorced myself. I did everything I could to hold on to my marriage, but when he started hitting me, I had to go and life has been much better since. Your wife may not be physically hitting you or your children, but she is doing it emotionally. If you keep letting her come around again and again, it will scar your children forever. They will become just like she is now. I don't think either you or they want that! Talk with your children. It sounds like they will feel better without her trying to "keep them hostage" all the time. No child wants to lose his mother and no spouse wants to lose his wife, but some people were just not meant to be parents or marital partners. You can do so much better for yourself. I think family counseling is needed for you and your children, seek the divorce, and if you have to get a restraining order to keep her away, do it. She sounds very possessive and could even be dangerous. It's time for you to move on and give yourself and your children some peace of mind and stability. Doing this will not be easy, but it is necessary. It took me 5 years to get past my divorce. When you put your faith and trust in someone with a lifetime vow of marriage and that person betrays the vow, you have no choice but to get rid of the problem. And the problem is not really your wife. The problem is your need to be needed and loved. You need to find yourself first. This woman cannot fulfill your needs. Get the help you need and move forward. Do not look backwards. It won't help. Let us know how you are doing. We care because we all are dealing with losses.

Mar 18, 2013
The Love I never had......
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Broken hearted you are probably feeling angry, lonely, and humiliated being taken for a ride. You and your children have been wounded and let down badly by a serial adulteress who doesn't know what she wants. She can't keep messing with your mind and heart. She is unstable and cannot offer stability to you or the children. This is such a terrible loss to you because she is still alive and well and living in the world that is not part of yours.
You could go and see a counsellor who will support you whilst you work out your anger hurt and pain. You will then be able to move forward better and build your life back again with your children. It would be a mistake to let your partner back into your life. Emotions and feelings cannot suffer being continually assaulted. You will have already lost respect for her all of her own making. this is not going to be so easily restored.
You will be vulnerable right now and probably not be able to help yourself if your partner should want to come back to you. THINK CAREFULLY. With your mind and not your heart. Stay FOCUSED on what is the best way forward for all of you. I am sorry for your loss and the suffering this has caused you and the children. I hope that it works out in a positive way for you and that you will get your life back and become stronger from this loss of relationship.

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