The love of my life and my soul mate.... Rusty Kendrick

by Cindy Kendrick

Rusty & I in August, 2010 when we went to see our son in L.A.

Rusty & I in August, 2010 when we went to see our son in L.A.

I lost my husband on November 15, 2010, after being married for almost 35 years. I am so lost and my heart hurts more than I could ever imagine. I was 18 and he was 28 when we got married on February 7, 1976, and a week later we both celebrated our birthdays, mine on the 15th and his on the 19th. We went together for one month, he asked me to marry him and a month later we got married!

He was the love of my life and best friend. He treated me wonderful, telling me every night before we went to sleep that Jesus loved me. Not a day went by that he would tell me how very much he loved me and how beautiful I was. He told me he would spoil me until the day he died and he did. He had been very healthy all his life, jogging and we recently bought bikes.

He went to work one Monday morning, felt like he had a headache and I guess he passed out. One of the guys went over and shook him and I guess it stimulated his heart. To make a long story short, they did emergency quadruple bypass surgery. One artery 100% blocked and the other three 95%. He made it through surgery, although he went into afib and they controlled that with meds.

I had him home for two weeks and he was doing wonderful and he sat down in his chair and said he felt dizzy and just fell backwards. My brother was here and did CPR and I was doing chest compressions. We got him down on the floor and the paramedics got here and worked on him for about 30 minutes. I keep yelling to him to please don't leave me and I loved him. They took him to the hospital but I never brought him home.

He was the best husband and daddy I could ever ask for. He blessed me with two beautiful children. I never knew I could have so much grief in my life. My heart hurts beyond words. I love you Rusty and I know you are waiting for me at Jesus' feet. I just don't understand why he was taken away from me. We had a wonderful marriage....

Comments for The love of my life and my soul mate.... Rusty Kendrick

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Jan 05, 2014
Starting on my 4th can it be!
by: Anonymous

Still missing Rusty so very much! Next month would have been our 38th anniversary and both of our birthdays! Now I have nothing to look forward to...February used to be such a happy month! My tears still fall...I love you Rusty!

Jul 31, 2013
To Anonymous
by: Cindy

To the Anonymous person that wrote to me...I feel the same way after almost 3 years. My life is still empty. I miss Rusty so much and this ache in my heart is overwhelming. I know I have to go on, but life will never be the same. Rusty was my everything. We just have to learn to live with the grief, no matter how difficult it is. My prayers are with you! I know what you mean about your faith...I feel the same! I know my husband would not want me to feel this way but I question why he had to be taken away when we had such a wonderful marriage! I just need him to walk through the door and tell me everything is going to be alright, but I know it is not going to happen. I had to sell my house and am lost in this world without him!

Jun 01, 2013
To Cinday Kendrick
by: Anonymous

I lost my husband July 2012, and since that Sunday night, I have been half-alive, living day to day like a zombie, robot, you name it. Life is nothing without him; I miss him so much that there are no words in our dictionary to explain how my aching heart feels. It was us for 46 years--married 44 years. No kids. He left, and I went with him because I feel dead, too.

I miss everything about him from his smile, love, generousity, to his possessions--clothes, tools, caps, suits, shoes, I left everything in place, and I can't even think of moving anything no less packing it up some day when I feel I have to go.

This house is just a house, not a home. He made it so beautiful and he filled it with joy and love. So, it's just a place for me to stand up in the kitchen and eat alone, go to sleep alone in the bed he died in, and use this room--for the computer. That's my existance--or non-existance.
I hate life, I hate everything we once loved together. I get no real compassion or help from my family whom he and I were so good too. I'm alone, lonely, and very angry that he died of pancreatic cancer that spread all over. He lasted 10 months on lousy chemo--the chemo made him worse---but the doctors and drug companies got their moneys worth out of my poor husband who fought so hard to live, not to leave me--that concerned him to his last breath.

I hate life. I hope I die soon. But will I see him? My faith has waivered. I hope so, but I am not sure. The afterlife is a mystery with so many different opinions and interpretations that I don't know what awaits the dead.

I'd rather he come home, but that's not going to happen. So, I go on, until...

Jun 01, 2013
To Helen "Wanting to Die"
by: Anonymous

Dear Helen, I visit other sites on this web page, and have written on them. Today, I typed in google that I wanted to die because my husband died, and this page came up with what you wrote.

I lost my husband to pancreatic cancer/liver mets, after being married 44 years, knowing him 46. He was only 64--a very young 64, healthy, engergetic, a hard worker, wonderful husband--it was just the 2 of us, one person really, and no kids.

I too don't know how I go on. He died in July 2012, and here it is June 2013 already, and I don't know how I am still here.

I too question afterlife; is there a Heaven, where is my husband? Is that all there is after one dies--just lying in that coffin underground. It pains me so much; I am so depressed that I am physically ill most of the time, and some days, a certain time of the day, my head doesn't feel right. I look at everything, from the caps hanging in the garage, to his thousands of tools, nails, screws, machines, etc., to his beautiful clothes, shoes, jewelry, everything that was him, and I can't move them, or even thinking about packing them up. So far, I am staying in this house which is no longer a home without him here.
I can't even describe how much I miss him and how devastated I am from our separation.

I don't want to join him in someplace where there are spirits or souls; I want him to come back home, but that is not going to happen no matter how much I beg God for it.

My heart hurts so much, I miss him every second of every day and night. I don't know what my future holds, but if somethng else pushes me over the tiny ledge I'm already on, I will probably just give up. I don't care any more about this life here, it's nothing without him, no joy, nothing. I exist like a walking robot, with tears in my eyes all the time, and a sad look on my warn-out, drawn face. His death has really been killing me slowly.

That's it. Youre not alone in your grief, thoughts, or how you feel about how to go on.
I'm right there along side you, with a heart that has been torn to so many pieces it will never mend. Never.

Aug 18, 2012
Wanting to die
by: Helen

I lost my beloved husband 5th August 2010. No warning - a catastrophic aneurysm they said. I cannot live without him. It is 2 years and I go through the motions of living but my heart is broken forever. It is no easier now than at the beginning - so all the platitudes about time being a great healer is just that platitudes - it is not true. We had 30 glorious years together - I never knew such happiness was possible and we were each others best friend, soul mate and went everywhere together - joined at the hip. We had our share of problems - my husband was very ill for a year and I nearly lost him then but I fought for him and we came through it closer than ever. We had no children so I have no support system. My sister and nieces cannot cope with my grief. I totally empathize with all the previous comments - this pain has blotted out the happiness we shared. I cannot think of happy times without the pain of knowing we'll never have them again. I just want to die and be with him forever - I swing wildly from believing he is waiting for me to being convinced there is nothing and that all this pain and suffering will be for naught. I miss him and have no peace of mind. We were older when we married, 42 and 50 but I was not expecting his death - he was a fit man and his father and grandfather lived into their nineties so I pushed the though of losing him away because I was so afraid of just what I am suffering now. Life has no meaning and never will have again. Why are we allowed to love so deeply if it is taken away. I see so many couples bickering and feel so envious that they still have each other and don't appreciate it. I just want him back, I've forgotten what his voice sounded like - have a small DVD with him being interviewed so play it regularly so I can hear that beloved voice again even for just two minutes.

Dec 27, 2011
I miss my husband, Fred, so much it hurts.
by: Kathy

On December 9, 2010, my soul mate of 35 years passed away from MDS, bone marrow failure. We had so many plans when we retired, travel, spend time with grandkids, paint, go to Europe again, spend time together.....but it was not to be. His disease took him 2 years before they predicted it would....we were not prepared...I was not prepared... you never are. I miss him so it is unbearable - even after a year. I want to see him, touch him, talk to him, ask his advice, hear his laughter, share a joke with him...he never met a stranger and everyone loved him when they met him. He was my rock, my love, my life....I want to be with him - even now - more than I want to live. I went thru 12 weeks of grief counseling and that did not help. I am angry that he was taken from me so soon,,,He was 68 and I was 59. No one will ever take his one.

Mar 11, 2011
Spilling your guts and thoughts are the best medicine for grief..
by: Laura

I lost my husband just over 6 years ago. After reading some of your posts, it brought me back to the wrenching and helpless feeling in my heart for the initial years after he passed. I feel like my heart has hardened somewhat, but I live each day for my 6 year old (he passed when she was only 3 months old) My husband and I were soulmates. To this day, I still feel that since we were so close, I should be able to feel him in some sense, but have not since his death. Life is not fair. Things happen for a reason?? I can't fathom that. I have a 6 year old that needs her father. She's always asking why God took her father and why he can't come back. It's tough, but we are still alive and must get through our grief. Cry whenever you need to, talk with whomever you feel comfortable with, reach out for any kind of help. If you have family, love them and confide in them. Anything to get you through your grief. I kept very busy with my baby. While I watch old videos of my baby, every one of them has crying in it and explaining how I felt of the passing of my beloved husband. Not nice to remember this supposedly joyous time of having a newborn by grieving the death of your husband.

Jan 22, 2011
I miss the "I love you!"
by: Cindy

Sitting here tonight thinking I will never hear the "I love You!" again... Breaks my heart. I long for Rusty to tell me that. I am so lonely on this dark journey. This grief is so hard to bear. I loved him with all my heart and had such a wonderful marriage. I hate going to bed alone... it is the loneliness place. We used to touch feet and now there is nothing. Why?? This life is so hard to life without the love of my life. I miss him more and more and it has been a little over two months and seems like eternity. I love you so much Rusty and so wish I could feel your hug!!

Jan 06, 2011
Still missing my Rusty...
by: Cindy Kendrick

Well, I survived the holidays and New Year's Eve was so very painful. That was when Rusty asked me to marry him 35 years ago. I felt so alone more than ever. He was just my life and I hate this life I am living without him. It just isn't fair... we could have had several more years together. I still am having a hard time understanding why God took him from me. I get so angry, but I know Rusty would not want me to do that. He was such a sweet and wonderful person you would ever meet. He was my whole life. I miss him and it feels like he has been gone for eternity and it hasn't even been two months yet.

I feel like someone stuck a knife in my heart. I feel so lonely when I go to bed by myself. It just shouldn't be that way. I had him there next to me for almost 35 years and the loneliness is just unbearable. I can't sleep and just lay there and cry. Why does it have to be this way? I just don't understand. There are so many marriages out there that just aren't even happy, yet they continue to be together. Rusty & I had the most wonderful marriage.

I found a e-mail he had wrote me and it said, "What are you doing today baby? It is a beautiful day outside." That just breaks my heart. He was so good to me and I loved him with all my heart and the thought of never seeing him on this earth again just kills me inside. I wish God had taken me too, it would have made it more bearable. I am so glad I have this site to come to to release my feelings. I am just lost in this world that I don't know now.

Jan 05, 2011
A year-and-a half
by: Pam

It has been a year-and-a-half since my husband died in July of 2009. The horror and shock of his death is over, but the sad thing is that he hasn't come back home.

My brain (or my soul) heals in tiny pieces and then it breaks again. Our daughter had a baby eight months before my husband died. I mourn that he doesn't get to share this beautiful two year old with me now. Yet, is was so nice to have a baby in the house again. Every time our grand daughter was in the room my husband would try to teach her to say, "Mum ma." Of course, in later months, "Mum ma" was her first word.

I work really hard to look at the situation through different vistas. A few weeks ago my daughter was cutting my hair in the kitchen. I said, "I wish your father would just walk through the kitchen door and say he needed to work late." My daughter said, "I am sure he would if he could." And then I had to think that yes, he would walk through the door if he could. The sad fact was that he couldn't come through the door because he was dead. The other sad fact was that by the time he died he could no longer walk. It is hard to explain but realizing that he would be here if he had a choice was comforting.

Another way I look at the situation is to read. I have started to read Don Piper's "Ninety Minutes in Heaven." Don Piper was "killed" in an auto accident but later found to be alive after being dead for 90 minutes. The book talks about his 90 minutes in heaven. It helps me to know that my husband might be in a better location without a horrible disease. I can't say it makes me happier on a day-to-day basis, but knowing that my husband doesn't have to suffer an illness on earth is a small comfort.

My husband's best friend and his wife called last night from a warmer state to say hello. I appreciate their call but I was also sad that my husband and I will never get to spend years together in retirement like his best friend and his wife. Life can just be so unfair.

This is all I have to say today. I'm the one who works in a high school. This is such a respite in the middle of the day

Dec 21, 2010
Such a sad day....
by: Cindy

I have been crying all day... it just seems like a dream and I just want to wake up. This pain is just unbearable. I miss Rusty more and more everyday. This grief is getting the best of me. I just can't understand why God had to take Rusty away from me... he was my whole life and I don't know this life without him.

Dec 15, 2010
Be gentle with your heart......
by: Shantell

I just wanted to tell you that I feel your pain so very deeply. My dad passed in April of 2009 and was my mother's soulmate and best friend as well. She aches every single day still for him and I continue to lift her up daily. I am very spiritual and have a very close relationship with Jesus.

I promised my mom that it will be my dad that will come to get her when her time comes. I know this for a fact. I say this to you as well, that your beloved Rusty will see you again too! Your purpose is not done here in this lifetime although I know you think it is. God still needs you here for a reason, we don't know what it is.

I wish you the very best, be gentle with your heart and your soul. Cry always to help your heart to cleanse. This is an incredible and painful loss. I will pray for your gentle healing and just know to take one minute, one hour, one step and one day at a time. Keep talking about your wonderful husband and keep his memory always alive. You have been truly blessed in this lifetime to have loved so deeply.

Take Care and May God be with you always!

Dec 14, 2010
I hear you all
by: pam

I work in a high school and we just finished a project. We have 20 minutes before the bell rings.
My husband died (in July 2009) of a fatal illness 3 years after his diagnosis.

I've been (am going through) all the stages you all talk about. Websites are so wonderful because they are "always available."

This is a wonderful site. I also visit "Widows Speak Out."
I'll write again. The bell just rannnng so it is on to the next class!

Dec 13, 2010
Strength from others...


I wish that I could say something to take the pain away. Just know that we have either gone through that same feeling (I can't do this...) or are going through it, depending on how new the grief is. You have to do or not do what you need at this very moment. Do not look at the weeks or months ahead; just look at this very minute and try to get through that.

Keep reading, we lean on each other heavily on this site. You can say what you feel without worry. You will find a strength within you that you thought impossible. Please come here often and express yourself. It does help, I do not know how I would have made it through this past year without the support found here.

My best to you in your journey of grief.

Dec 13, 2010
the love of my life
by: jules

To all the wonderful people on this site - I hope you have a good Christmas with your families, know that your love is looking down and wishing you well. Know too, that he would want you to live as good a life as you can, you have your children, and your other family, spend time with them, especially children, my grandsons were my rock, giving lots of cuddles, and talking about their grandad with love and affection.

take one breath, one step at a time
take care

Dec 13, 2010
by: Zoe

The ultimate question,
why where they taken, why were we left.
I remember pleading with whatever higher power would listen to make John better, to take me instead. He would have been so much better at coping with this loss than I am.

We don't get why, only how, and if we are lucky we are with them reminding them of how much we love them as their light dims.

Everyone is different, yet the unrelenting pain is the same. You go through times when you think you are doing better, that it is easing off, then it can be something as insignificant as a red plate will slam you back to where you were.
It is like being on a ship, uneven at best, sliding out of control at its worse.

Through it all you hold on to the basic
one breath, one step, one day at a time.
There are many days when that is all you can manage. Some days more.

You will find that friends and family will not be around as much. No one wants to see a widow's pain, they don't know what to do with it or for it. Some treat it like death and grieving are diseases that can be caught.

Remember you can always come here and write, we are always here, and we do understand


Dec 12, 2010
the love of my life
by: Jules

Colleen - you are amazing, you are so strong - but do let yourself express what you are feeling, don't feel you have to be strong in front of others, you will have times when you just want to stay in bed with the covers over your head - and that is ok - do what you need to do to survive this hellish time.

one breath, one step
take care

Dec 12, 2010
by: Cindy Kendrick

This is going to be so hard to bear Christmas without the love of my life. I use to love listening to Christmas music and now I just can't hardly take it. Last year Rusty & I loved driving around looking at all the beautiful trees with all the lights and this year it is unbearable. I so wish I could have my life back... I miss him so much it is almost unbearable to go on. My heart is hurting more everyday. I don't know if I can handle this grief much longer. I can't live without him in my life.

Dec 12, 2010
Barbara G, Jules, & Colleen
by: Cindy Kendrick

You have no idea what your words mean to me... the grief is unbearable. I have never felt this feeling in all my life. It does help to know there are people out there that are feeling this same kind of grief. It is such a pain that no one knows the feeling until they do lose their spouse that have had a wonderful marriage.

Rusty was so sweet to me, even bringing me breakfast to bed even after I brought him home from the hospital. I told him he was not suppose to be doing that, but that was just him... always doing things for me. He was the most wonderful man in the world to me and having such a hard time why God took him away from me.

I just don't know how to live this life without him... it is so difficult. We went everywhere together. I went into a store the other day and just lost it because we were in there so many times together each week. People would come up to me and ask if if I was alright. I just can't even go anywhere.

I have gone back to the doctor and he has put me one something stronger just so I can cope with this life. Thank everyone for knowing where I am coming from and it helps so much to know that I am not the only one that is grieving this alone. I just don't understand why God has to take the good ones... he was my life!

Dec 12, 2010
grief beyond words
by: Patsy

I lost my husband Bob on December 20 2009, we were married for 42 wonderful years, my heart is still broken, part of me is gone, i will never be the same again. I grieve and still cry every day and feel so lost without him. We have 2 wonderful daughters and 3 great grandchildren i love them dearly but nothing is the same anymore.

I cried all Thanksgiving it was always at our house i went to my daughters this year and everyone tried so hard but we are all still suffering especially me; am dreading Christmas was our favorite time of year, nothing is the same anymore. Thanks for listening to me.

Dec 12, 2010
So sorry
by: Barbara G

Dearest Cindy, My heart aches for you. If I could heal but one pain in the world ii would be for all of the widows and widowers. Unfortunately I can't and I have come to understand that every great love affair of this world will come to a tragic end. And the greater the love the more tragic.

This month will be two years since the love of my life died. I was 17 when we married and we were married for over 40 years. He had a triple by-pass that failed and 3 hours before they were going to do another triple by-pass he had a heart attack and died. We too had one of the greatest marriages. Our two children adored their Father.

You are at the worst of times. It took me months to barely get out of bed. Allow yourself to do whatever you feel. But accept any and all help from your friends and family. I never thought it would take me two years but this weekend was the first time I went to social function since his death by myself. My sister would take me a few places, but never alone. I did it. I cried afterwards, but I did it. There is nothing anyone can say or do to make this any easier.

One breath, one minute, one day at a time, seek help from family, friends, your Doctor, grief support groups, here. The pain will be almost unbearable, but it is survivable. Love and Sympathy to you and your family...

Dec 12, 2010
The love of my life
by: Jules

Cindy - the wonderful people on this site know the pain you are feeling right now - the raw, harsh emotion. Unfortunately this will last for quite a long time - you will feel lost, abandoned, unable to cope (I completely forgot how to cook - had not a clue how to even make coffee for a while) - as if your right arm has been wrenched off. You will feel as if you are on a roller coaster -

Please believe that all these feelings are normal, you have found this site very early on in your grieving process, and it will help you to be able to come on here - tell people how you are feeling, because, believe me, there are some feelings you won't feel you can talk to even your best friend about, but we have all been there, we have felt all the emotions, the loss, the anger, the hopelessness.

Take one breath, one step at a time, don't have any expectations, because you will find yourself going forward, then falling back for a long time yet.

Know that some very wise people are on this site, who will listen to you at any time of the day or night. It has been my salvation.

Take care

Dec 12, 2010
Soul Mates
by: Colleen

I lost my soul mate Bruce on the 16 November 2010. We were together for 17 years. The pain is relentless. Please know that you are not alone even though at times it feels like no one can understand your pain. Do not hide your grief, express it, it does help.

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