the love of my life

by donna
(canada)

Norm was the love of my life. I knew from the first moment I met him at work and looked into his eyes that he was the one for me. It was not one of those relationships where you are always wondering if he is the one, it was a relationship where I knew in my heart that he was. He knew too. We told each other that we loved each other every day. We were inseparable. I had always felt like I didn’t belong in this world, like something was missing. Until I met him. When I met him I finally felt like I was complete.

There wasn’t anything we couldn’t tell each other or say to each other. There wasn’t anything we couldn’t do with each other. He was never afraid to tell me he loved me or how he felt. In public he was a shy, rough around the edges kind of guy, but when we were together he showed me how tender and sensitive he was. He loved me unconditionally and I loved him the same. We were together for two years and we lived together for over a year.

We had decided to take a vacation to Mexico. I felt that we needed to get away. I had spent much of the summer caring for my mother who was ill and I felt like we needed to get away, just the two of us. We arrived in Mexico on Sunday night and had a wonderful few days. We got up Tuesday morning like it was any other day. We spent the day by the beach swimming, snorkeling, just spending time together. At about 430 we went up to the room to get ready for dinner. Norm had a shower and laid down in bed. I laid down beside him and we held hands for a few minutes.

After a few minutes of laying there, he got up and said that he was having chest pains. He thought that he had pulled a muscle while playing volleyball. This had happened to him before as he was an avid volleyball player. He walked towards the bathroom and told me he was going to take a hot shower to feel better. As he was almost at the bathroom door he stopped and put his hand on the wall. He said he suddenly felt dizzy. He dropped to the ground on his hands and knees and started moaning.

I ran for the phone and called for help. I ran over to him and told him I was there and it would be ok. After a minute he got up on his hands and knees and said he was fine. A few seconds later he collapsed. He was lying on his stomach, his hands tightly clenched, his eyes were wide and filled with fear. He was struggling to breath. He was moaning and shaking.

I screamed for help. I started screaming his name. After a few seconds he stopped moving. Help came quickly, they turned him over and started cpr. After a minute he took a breath on his own and then there was nothing. They continued cpr until the ambulance came, all the way to the hospital, and even at the hospital.

At 6:08 the doctor came out to take me to her office and told me that he did not make it. My whole world was gone in the blink of an eye. I started screaming and crying. I wanted to see him. They let me sit with his body for 2 hours. I just couldn’t leave him. I kept begging him to wake up but he wouldn’t.

The next week was a blur. The funeral, the visitation, everything seemed to blur together but now here I am, in our house and the pain is unbearable. I don’t know how to live without him, and no one knows what he meant to me. His family thanked me for loving him and making him happy and being there when he died. They tell me he’s in a better place but it doesn’t help me. I’m still here, stuck in this hell without him.

I wonder why God took him, I wonder where he is, I worry about if hes ok. I will never be able to forget what I saw in his eyes when he died. It was a look of fear, shock, disbelief. He didn’t want to go, he fought so hard to stay. I'm lost without him. Its been 1 week since he died and the pain just keeps getting worse.

Comments for the love of my life

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Oct 14, 2010
Memories
by: donna

Everyone keeps telling me to hold on to the memories we had, to hold on to the good times. this makes it harder. people tell me to take comfort in the memories we shared but i cant. every time i remember something about him, something we used to do, something he used to say it all comes flooding back to me that he's gone. he's not coming back. i think about the memories that we will never get to have and the things we will never get to do and the hell gets worse.

Oct 14, 2010
It will get better
by: Judy

Donna,

We here on this site have shared your experience and want you to know it will get better. I know the pain right now is so intense that you can hardly breathe, that your world is a blur and it's hard to even get through the day. Please believe that it will be better and you will survive. Hang on to your good times with Norm and the love you shared and let it sustain you through the coming days. And come back and talk to us, because we know, we know.

JM

Oct 14, 2010
the love of my life
by: jules

My dear - I am not going to tell you it will get easier - or that you will get over it - my love died almost 11 months ago, (20.11.2009) - and I miss him every day - sometimes it feels like it just happened yesterday - I don't know how long I will feel this way - but one thing I do know is that this site has helped me immensely.

Having people on here, at any time of the day or night (my worst time is 3 -4 am) to read and understand how you are feeling, because we do understand, I feel that the worst loss you can suffer is the loss of a partner - the person you chose to be with - your choice is taken away from you, it is devastating.

I am learning to live without John, slowly, I am moving house tomorrow, going to live on my own and see how I go, I will miss him forever, and I need to learn to be on my own, I could be like this for a very long time.

Use this site, you will get comfort and understanding here, without censure.

Keep going, it is early days yet, and don't be surprised if just when you feel you are ok, something will jump up to bite you again.
Jules

Oct 13, 2010
I wish...
by: Ben There

That I could take it all away make you feel better right now. Give you some words of wisdom and assure you that it will get better with time. But you can't hear me through your grief right now; just know that you are the best place you can be with a lot of ears here to hear you while you go through the worst moments of your life. Let grief take you where it wants because it's going to happen anyway with or without your permission. Please be very careful now as your thinking, your perception is off. Eat a little something though I know you don't want to at all. Just know that we are here for you and write and read often.

HH

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