The love of my life

by Joanne

I lost my husband on December 29th,2011 after a 1 month fight against maligant brain cancer called Glial Blastoma, a very agressive type. He woke up on November 29th at about 4 in the morning and said he had a headache, we never thought anything of it. He had a couple ibuprofen and went back to bed, he had never been sick. Eight hours later I received a call from his co-worker saying he was in the hospital and being airlifted to the city. He had a brain biopsy on Dec 4th verifying it was cancer and Dec 11th had surgery to remove as much tumor as they could. They got 90% and we were so happy thinking that was great news. After surgery he did amazing, he was up doing physio and walking with a walker and we never once thought he wouldn't come home after his radiation treatments. I told him he was going to have his treatments and then come home and we were going to spoil him like he deserved. This cancer is aggressive and couldn't be controlled and December 23rd after his 2nd radiation treatment things took a turn for the worse. He could no longer move, didn't open his eyes or eat much. December 29th he passed away at 51 years old. His memorial was January 5th, 1 week away from our 27th anniversary. We have 2 daughters, 24 and 21 who are devastated, and I feel like my life is over. He was the kindest, most helpful man ever and it is so unfair this happened to him. He has worked 24/7 for 26 years in our business and finally decided he would slow down this year and we would do things together. He would have, and did help anyone that needed help. Now, he gets nothing and we are left behind without him. All I do all day is cry and look at his picture, going anywhere is a struggle and I don't leave the house unless I absolutely have to. We are all so miserable, I can't put it into words. It just seems like a nightmare that we can't wake up from. He said over and over again in the hospital during the month he was there how lucky he was that he had such good family, friends and health care to take care of him - that was the kind of man he was. He was so sick and he could say he was lucky. Our lives were so connected with each other, and when people say love at first sight, that is how it was with us and remained. I can't accept that he is gone and never will.

Comments for The love of my life

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Feb 25, 2012
2 months
by: Joanne - Canada

On the 29th of February it will be 2 months since my wonderful husband Tim passed away - I can't even bear to write the 'd' work so I have to say passed away instead. I cry every day, numerous times a day and ask 'Why him!.' I keep thinking he will come home anytime and still wait for the phone to ring saying he's on his way.

Life is so unfair. My kids are struggling with losing 'the hero of their world' Tim was the best, most loving father there could be.

I get different comments from people:
- at least you had 27 years, you should be grateful! (You don't think I am grateful for every day, I wanted 30 more years, he was only 51)
- I know how you feel (You do not, you still have your husband, I have no one now)
- How are you doing? (How do you think? Awful)
- Isn't it a nice day! (Seriously?? You are saying that to me? It's a terrible day, again!!!)

I can barely stand to answer the phone, and if it is someone I don't feel like talking to, I don't answer. I barely leave our house, only reason I do, is if I absolutely have to. I hardly eat, and if I do, it's not much. I've lost 15 pounds since Tim became sick - I don't even care about eating.

I second guess every cent I spend and think, what would Tim do? My life is turned upside down in a dark place. People invite me to come to their house and have supper or visit, I decline, start crying and just say "I can't." I would change places with Tim in a second if I could. I just want him to come home.

Feb 12, 2012
My husband had a Glioblastoma
by: Debbie

If you would like to contact me, my email address is

Feb 12, 2012
You are not alone
by: Debbie

Joanne, I'm so sorry to hear you lost your husband. My husband, John, died 7 weeks after being diagnosed with a Glioblastoma. I have gone over and over every detail of his illness and subsequent death, wondering if anything should have been done differently. My husband has been gone 6 months and I still say, "this can't be real," wishing I could awaken from this nightmare. I have lost many siblings and my mother and father, but nothing prepared me for the loss of my husband. He is missed by many, but by none more than me. I knew I needed help to get through this so I joined a Grief Share group which has helped. There have been times that I wondered if I was going crazy. Being in the support group has helped me to see that these emotions, feeling, fears, etc are part of the grieving process and others have had the same experiences. John and I were married 35 years and I feel as if half of me is gone. My faith in God is what I hang on to in my darkest moments. I have cried a river, I have screamed at the top of my lungs, I have been still trying to shut my mind off because the thoughts are sometimes almost too painful to bear. There are days now when I can smile once in awhile at a memory of my John . There is hope!

Feb 12, 2012
I am not into life
by: DaveM

I too have all my affairs in order...I do not care what happens to me's been 10 weeks and I just want to hold her once again , to tell her how much I love her... Just once more...

Feb 11, 2012
by: Pam

Here is my email. Would like to connect.
Talk soon. Pam

Feb 11, 2012
by: Joanne - Canada

Sorry about your husband Joyce, 44 years old is so young. Tim had just turned 51 and that is too young! This is not what any body thinks is going to happen in their marriage, I always thought we would get old together - instead I'm 47 years old and have years to sit here by myself. Of course, that is if things go according to what we think, we never know what today will bring - that has been proven.

I feel the same way you do, I wish it had been me to go. Tim was such a good person, outgoing, friendly, just plain wonderful. I don't think he would have handled life without me very well either, I think sometimes that when people go together, it is the best thing. I realize it would be so much harder though for the people that are left behind. Our kids are really struggling with it, just as I am and I have to try to be here for them - even though I am not the 'strong' person I have been told I need to be.

Nobody who is on this site should have to go through what we do, especially when the person who passed away is young.

Feb 11, 2012
Would love to connect
by: Pam

Joanne- my email address is
Would love to connect.

Feb 11, 2012
This is horrendous
by: Joanne-Canada

Pam, I know exactly how you feel. Tim got through 1 month after diagnosis until he passed away. We were given the option 1 week before he passed away for more surgery but were told he could come out paralyzed or a vegetable - how do you do that to someone? I know Tim would have never wanted that, but to make that decision, I go through every day of my life thinking I should have decided more surgery and hoped for the best. I will never forgive myself and think about it every day. I didn't want him to suffer, and the Dr. said we would have to make the same decision within months again. I never knew this disease even existed until after Tim was gone and my friend phoned up and asked if it was Glioblastoma and I said yes, and she said her brother had died of the same thing. You are right, days and nights are horrible - I go through all day thinking of him and at night you lay there all night and in the morning feel physically sick. Wanting him physically here is exactly how I feel, I want to hold him, hug him and kiss him and instead get nothing. He deserved so much more, just as your husband did. Your husband would have known exactly what was going on, which would have been so scary - we were ignorant, and never once did we think Tim wouldn't be coming home with us and we would go on with our lives. The whole time, the medical team knew what was going to happen and I should have known that by the looks on their faces all the time.

We never think this will affect us, and here we are. . . it's not fair and not right what has happened to our husbands. I am sorry for you and your family just like I'm devastated for myself.

If you want to e-mail, let me know and we can perhaps help each other and listen to each other. Every day I wake up and think "Oh God, not another day to get through" It's been 6 weeks now that Tim hasn't been with me and I miss him so much I hurt.

Feb 11, 2012
lost my husband
by: Joyce Deckrosh /coshocton ohio

I just lost my husband on january 8th 2012 with lung cancer We were married for 11 years .It is very hard for me the days are not as bad as the nights, I do go out and do things, go to my daughters house once a week or she comes to see me. We go out to eat ,we also go the store and visit with each other. We talk everyday also. But it is still hard to cope with my husbands death, he was only 44 years old. There were times i wish it was me, men can cope better then women. There are times when i need to talk to him but i know he is no longer here with me Will it ever get better, i just want to see him someday, i miss him alot I have not decided yet what i am going to do , keep living in our house or move closer to my daughter. Thats All for now Joyce Deckrosh

Feb 11, 2012
I am with you
by: Pam

Hi. My husband passed away almost two weeks ago. He was diagnosed with a glioblastoma 19 months ago. He is a neurologist and the co founder of the chopra center for well being here in San Diego. He diagnosed himself. We have two young daughters ages ten and fourteen. He died in my arms here at home. Now I am left heartbroken and suffering each minute of the day. I can't stop crying and feel as if I am dying at times. I never thought I could feel this kind of pain. It's excruciating. My life as I knew it is gone. The sadness is overwhelming. I just miss his physical presence so much. It's so frustrating that there is nothing I can do.
Nights are horrible days are horrible. It's just too big. And it overtakes me- my mind and my heart. I pray for strength to help me.

Feb 09, 2012
I miss him so much
by: Joanne - Canada

Thank you for the comments to my post. I just can't accept that Tim is gone, every time the phone rings I expect it will be him. I look at the picture we had done in October and it looks like he is looking right at me. We should have had 30 more years together and the kids should have had him with them for that many years. We don't have him and he had his life taken away just when he was going to get to start enjoying it. It just isn't fair. I think of him constantly and the pain takes my breath away, I prayed and begged all the time in the hospital for him to get better. He should still be with us.

Feb 08, 2012
Also lost the love of my life
by: Joanne

Dear Joanne, I am so sorry for your loss. There are a lot of us here who know exactly how you feel. My husband died a few months ago, and I cried almost constantly. After a while I got to the point when I said I loved my husband more than anyone and I miss him so much, but cannot spend my whole life crying. I started forcing myself to go out. I would have coffee or lunch with friends. I never thought I would say this, but, I do feel a little better. I have days when I still cry a lot, but I have other days when I don't feel so awful. Hoping that it starts getting a little better for you. This sight does help. We support each other.
Sincerely, Joanne

Feb 08, 2012
I know
by: Tony


I am so sorry this happened to you and I KNOW how you feel because I lost my beloved soul mate in December from exactly the same thing, glioblastoma. Her name by the way, was Joan.

We opted out of aggressive treatment because we were told that it would leave too many deficits and she'd recover only a little while only to face the same disease again. All the top surgeons verified that no one has ever recovered from it. She also told me that she wanted no 'heroic efforts' while she still could, and I honored her request.

She passed while under the morphine drip without any visible signs of distress, but it still put a huge dagger in my heart that is still there. I'm going to doctors and therapists and studying all I can online but from what I've learned it's a matter of time, pretty much regardless of what you do or not do. I've lost weight and can't concentrate on much. It's been almost 2 months for me and some have said that it will likely take a year or two on this site for a 'complicated grief'.

Some days I wish that I could just die. I have my affairs in order can't see myself with any kind of new life without her. We were married for 38 years. You could read my earlier blog called "Tony half gone". Be well soon to you and your family.

Feb 08, 2012
by: Zoe

You are at the very beginning. I know how you feel My John was diagnosed with cancer and died 11 days later. It will be two years this March and I still cry.
Grief is very individual. I know you are worried about your daughters, but you have to be greedy with your grief. It throws you one way then another never letting you quite get your footing. I know this sounds hard to believe, but after the death there is a numbness that lets you move from the sheer shock. You are coming out of that, that is why this feels worse. You also need to understand that your sense of time is now different. Your time is caught in the moment of his death. Others, who are very well meaning, will start going back to their lives. I raged at that, how could they live when he was gone. You will move through this.
Some people go to grief counsels, some keep journals. I came here, this site it saved me. Because for me, knowing that at 3am when all I could do was listen to the screams in my head (or was that me weeping) I could come here, and know someone was reading, someone was reaching out, someone was understanding.
The only advise I can offer to you now is whatyou will see is our mantra of sorts, when all else fails, when you cannot do, cannot think it is always

one breath, one step, one day at a time.

Come here as often as you need too. We are always here, and we always listen.

Feb 08, 2012
My sincere condolences
by: Janet

My sincere condolences to you Joanne. I understand your loss and your pain. I too lost my husband on the 1st of November, 2011. Jim's was very sudden and cause was listed as bronco aspiration or central cyanosis. We had been together for 25 plus years and we were in the process of retiring to Corozal, Belize Central America.
The best thing that you and your children can do is to take care of yourselves both physically and mentally. I cried the first three months after Jim passed and I still do, just not as often now. I am slowly learning to take one breath, one step and one day.
It is all any of us can do as we make this terrible journey called "Grief". We have to have faith that we will get through this and that this to shall pass. It is not an easy journey and not one I would even wish on my worst enemy. It is not a journey that you nor I nor any one else should or need to travel alone. There is help out there for you. There are grief therapy groups and sessions. Another place to go to is the Widowed Persons Services Support Group. Order the book on this site "Tear Soup". It is worth it get and share it with your daughters.
Remember the good times and the bad times. There are several useful tools and tips on this site and they are worth checking out.
We all handle grief in our own way and on our own terms. Do not let it consume you because it can. Be gentle with yourself and take comfort in knowing that you are not alone in this and hold on to your faith.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, Joanne. I am here if you ever want to talk.

Feb 08, 2012
by: David M

I am so so sorry for the loss of your beloved husband...I lost my wife to breast cancer on December 4 2011, and like you life is horrible right now...I miss her so much at times I wonder how I can even get up in the heart goes out to you

Feb 08, 2012
by: Anonymous

When something like this happens the world you knew and trusted is gone and replaced by a barren wilderness of epic size. You don't recognise the place or the people in it as all have changed beyond recognition.People will not really understand why you can't deal with it and somehow the more you try the worse you seem to feel. It takes time, lots of time and opportunity to be in that place where you can try to get yourself together. It will happen or else none of us would ever be able to deal with life, we would all just curl up and perish and although that seems such a tempting thought right now it will lessen I can promise.

Feb 08, 2012
One Day At a Time
by: TrishJ

I know your pain. I lost my beloved husband 14 months ago. Life didn't seem worth living for so long. I still struggle every day but I have gotten to the point where I am having more good days than bad.
The first 6 months I was in a complete fog. You are doing good just to make it through the days at this point. To get out of bed an put one foot in front of the other is good for you right now.
The loss is devastating. We feel like out heart has been ripped from out chest.
You life is over. Your life as you knew it. I tried so hard for so long to just cling on to the past with no desire to move forward. It's still a work in progress but now I know I have to make that adjustment. It hasn't been and won't be easy.
For just have to take it one day at a time. Your husband will always love you and please trust me when I say he is watching over you. He is with you and your daughters.
It does seem unfair. At my age, none of my friends have lost their husbands. I'm the only widow I know at my age. I feel cheated out of many years with my husband. I miss him so much it still tears my heart out most days.
Be good to you right now. Try to do something each day that makes you happy.
God bless.

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