The only love I'll ever want or need.

The last picture taken of us together, just months before he was murdered.

The last picture taken of us together, just months before he was murdered.

I am a 41 year old widow. I fell in love with my husband when I was just 2 months into my 18th birthday. He loved me so beautifully, so deeply and for 23 years I was blessed with his love, his laughter, his support and most of all our daughter who is now 21. Sadly he was murdered on his way home from working a 10 hour day in an apparent roadrage incident on Feb 6th 2013. Shot by a coward who waited in the shadows, snuck up behind him, then shot him when he wasn't looking and could not defend himself. Now I am left with a life I don't want, a future I haven't built, and my foundation has been ripped out from under my life. I haven't the slightest idea how I will ever move on, nor do I really have the want. But throwing in the towel isn't an option so here I am, lying flat on my back, in a 6 ft hole, but the dirt isn't over me yet, so this is my first move in my long hard attempt to get out of this hole, this darkness, this saddness, this lonely place that is now my life.

Thankfully the killer was arrested the next day for murder and has now been indited on First Degree Murder. And Because he is a coward, he has pled Not guilty so now I have years before I can really begin to truley heal.

I am so lost without my better half! I want him back! I need him in my life! God help me please!


Comments for The only love I'll ever want or need.

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Aug 09, 2013
Rebecca, I wish I could talk to you...
by: Anonymous

Man, how is it that we can feel exactly the same way? If you listen to those that care (and they really do care), you are strong, resilient, composed and together. You will make it through. You will survive. The hardest part for me is the wanting to go on. My life revolved around him and his life revolved around me. No one else's life does that. Not for me, not right now. Every day I wake up, he isn't there. I don't WANT to go on without him. THAT is the issue. I have no home, I have no one to live for… OR so it seems. There must be something that I'm not noticing or looking for. I need to get out of this deep well of darkness and depression and look towards the light. Everyday is a struggle, everyday, I tell myself "not today, I. Will. Not. Fall apart. Today." Rebecca, we go on, we have to. For our children, for our family, for ourselves, because, you and I deserve to live. We are here. Lady, it's try, one day at a time, one step at a time, one breath at a time. Count your blessings. Find something to be grateful for. Pay it forward. Meditate and exercise. YOU have a life to live and you can honor his memory every day in so many ways. At least that's what I'm going to try to do. For his daughters, for our son, for myself. I have to go on. Blessings to you Rebecca. Prayers for strength and courage to face the light.

Aug 09, 2013
Thank you all!
by: Rebecca

Wow! I cant believe I waited this long to return to my post. Thanks to all who wrote, it really means a lot and helps in my sadness! Honestly, it's even harder now than when I wrote this post! I am still very lost and devastated! Still fighting against a life I don't want! I would describe it as a type of rebellion towards a life I didn't plan or build! I still want the life I made with my dear Tommy! There is a yearning and longing inside of me that I don't have words to explain. I am pissed, sad, lost, hurting and sometimes screaming out for a man I can no long see, touch, feel, kiss, laugh with, talk to/with, hold or be held by! I want to curl up in his arms again and fall asleep but I cant and I don't know how to survive with a quality of life I can live with. I truly believe you can die of a broken heart, at least my body thinks so. I have been in the hospital 4 times in 6 months with physical issues caused by stress. Mentally I am hanging on by a thread. Everyone says "one day at a time" what does that mean anyway? I'm still trying to get through each minute! Thank you for listening and responding it has given me some comfort that others understand! XO

Apr 20, 2013
by: See

I am so sorry for your lose. my prayer goes out to you ...Pray and get closer to God ... It will get easier over time . Pray pray ... Prayer is what is helping me with the lose of my husband and best friend .

Apr 19, 2013
I think I know how you feel
by: Rena

Dear Rebecca,

I am so sorry and heartbroken for you. I am so sorry for the loss of the love of your life. The one that made you whole.

I lost my husband of 24 yrs (I'm 45) a few months ago in a tragic motorcycle accident. It happened right in front of me. I was the first one to him and immediately saw in his eyes that he was gone.

I know what you mean about wanting him back. About feeling like you are dead but not. About not wanting to go on. Not wanting to sleep, because when you awake, he won't be there, but not wanting the day to go on without him.

Your thoughts are scattered, your mind in a fog.

I am on the other side of the world from everyone I love. We were overseas working to build our retirement. We were just going to be here a couple more years before he retired (he was 58)

Your life has been shattered. I keep saying to myself "this wasn't supposed to happen" "we had plans" "what do I do now?" "how do I go on?"

But day by day, you do go on. I just think about everyone else in my life. My son, my step-daughters, their children. My sisters, my brothers.

I am not good at giving advice. I have found it good to write, come to this page often. I have listened to audiobooks (Good Grief and A Grief Observed). I have a couple of people that I open up to and have given me support. I talk to him (he was the only one I could talk to. I don't have many friends)

Finding hope has been a big struggle. Not beating myself up for all the things I wished I'd said and had done to show him how much I loved him has been the worst.

No one can tell you what to do, how to feel, how to keep breathing, how to move one step closer to sanity. But I wish the best for you. I hope you find comfort and peace and hope.

Apr 18, 2013
The Only Love I'll Ever Want Or Need
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Dear Rebecca,
I am so sorry about the unfortunate death of your husband by the hand of someone else. It's bad enough for the loss of my husband, of 46 years, to a massive heart attack, almost 22 months ago, but to be murdered. My heart aches for your loss.
The title of your post, is exactly how I feel. I don't want another man, I want my husband, I miss him. Since i know he isn't coming back to me in this life, I have to slowly learn how to go on without him. He was the only love I ever wanted or needed. He was the love of my life. He was in my life since I was 15; married him at 18, and a widow at 64. You are so much younger. I have children your husbands age.
You need a support system. I joined a grief support group through my church. It helped me so much. I developed a friendship with three other widows,we do things together and are there , if just to listen or shed tears with me. I have the support of my 5 adult children and their familes, but, my loss doesn't even compare to their loss. My husbands siblings still involve me in hteir lives, but they too, don't have a clue. Our lives are forever changed. Only one who has lost a spouse really understands what we are going through.
Grieve as you will; there isn't a time limit on your grief. People told me things will get easier and better. It didn't happen for me. I miss my husband everyday. We never really get over the loss of our loved one, we just slowly learn how to go on without them, always keeping them tucked safely in our heart.
Go slow, do what ever you need to do. Small steps in the beginning; sometimes a few steps forward and then we falter back, but it is all apart of our healing process. I don't think we ever really completely heal.
Keep coming to this site. God Bless You and He will give you strength. We all are so much stronger than we realize.

Apr 18, 2013
The only love I'll ever want or need.
by: Doreen U.K.

Rebecca I am sorry for your loss of your husband to a sudden death in a cruel and tragic death. I am glad this weasel had got Life and I hope it means just that. Too many people are getting away with light sentences. It is becoming a joke. That even jerks like this actually have rights and these are honoured. The justice system is backwards.
It is so very hard now having built up a life for 23yrs. and now it is all gone and you have to start rebuilding some sort of life ALONE. It will feel as if you have no desire or strength to go on. You may feel What is the point? Everything you based your life on is gone. You have a young daughter who has lost a father and she will have her own grief.
I was married 44yrs. and lost my husband 11 1/2 months ago to MESOTHELIOMA (lung cancer caused by working with asbestos.) incurable, inoperable, and aggressive. It was a long slow death of 3yrs.39days. I am only now beginning to feel my loss. I lost my mother 10yrs. ago of a heart attack and only today felt such sorrow for losing her. I don't know how much more pain and sorrow I will have to bear over the loss of my dearest beloved husband. Being a WIDOW is hard. We have a new set of problems to deal with. As a couple we have our own set of responsibilities. Now we have to do both.
You say you can't throw in the towel. This is good and will give you the strength to dig yourself out of this hole. You will survive. You show the tenacity to. BUT. You will go through the motions of grief that is unbearable. You will sometimes wonder how you have the strength to go on. BUT YOU WILL. Even if this jerk pleads not guilty your HEALING is not dependent on him. Your healing is dependent on your relationship with your husband and how you honour him through the memories you shared and remember. You must give yourself permission to grieve this loss and you will heal from this loss. I know it isn't fair. It hurts so very much. Some days I wonder how I will go on and much like you. I know I don't have a CHOICE. You have a daughter with you. I have a daughter with me and we will go on but with a lot of struggle and perhaps anger. We have had someone precious taken from us and we aren't meant to act as if nothing has happened. May God Protect and guide you in life and bring you comfort and Peace in the midst of your sorrow and loss.

Apr 18, 2013
by: Lawrence

Everybody on this website knows what you are going through, the agony of losing a precious loving partner.
There are no words anybody can say to you that will make your anguish and grief easier, they say only tincture of time can help but it is three months since my beloved wife died after seventy years together and the pain and longing to hold her in my arms is as strong as ever, but life has to go on, anyone who is left after their partner dies has to face that fact sooner or later and it is impossible to imagine the pain and heartache until it happens.
Your husband’s murder was so tragic it beggars belief that these things can happen but unfortunately they do everywhere.
Be grateful for the twenty-three of happiness you shared together and the wonderful memories you have, some people will never experience such deep love that you had with your husband and me with my deeply missed wife.
Take care of yourself and don’t hesitate to see your doctor if life gets too much for you.

Apr 18, 2013
Dear Rebecca,
by: Pat in Missouri

Your story really struck me. We hear about road rage incidents on the news, but when it's this personal, it sounds worse than words could ever speak. I am so very sorry for your loss. The picture certainly shows what a warm, wonderful, and funny man your husband was. I know the pain of loss. My father,brother, and fiance'all died in 2011,but none of them were murdered. I can't even begin to imagine how awful that must feel for you.

Are you a spiritual person? If so, I would suggest you seek help with your church. Your pastor would be a good source of help. If you are ready for it, a support group could help. Grief support groups are good because everyone in them is dealing with the loss of someone they loved.

I would also suggest you might want to contact MADD or some other similar organization. Many court systems have advocates to help the survivors who are left to live with the pain, after loss,due to a criminal act. Adam Walsh comes to mind. He always says that the work he does now helps him cope with the loss of his son. Ask the police department for resources for survivors. You cannot stand alone in this horrible grief. Please reach out for help.

I am praying for you and hope you can find some support. Loss is never easy. Yours is worse than many others, but you will find peace with the right kind of help. I send you many hugs. Please write again and let us know how you are. Pat

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