The Other End of an Echo

by Zoe
(Maryland)

I used to get Roses with a card that said behold the flowers of love. He used to love to use Red Envelope because he could order me surprises and they would come all wrapped and ready for me to open. He was so excited to see if I loved what he chose. And, I always did, because he chose them.

Last year was my first Valentines Day without him. I refused to have anyone put decorations where I could see them. I was so acutely aware of the day coming. This year, in some ways is worse. The decorations caught me off guard. The girls in the cubicles outside of my office who survived my rage last year jumped up and said we can move them. I said no, because I realized that they were stupid crepe paper replicas of what love is.

Love is real, it has depth, it touches you it moves you physically. You make choices together, and as a person to be with your love. I miss slipping my arm around his waist when I saw him getting angry or frustrated, because I knew it would calm him. I miss him asking me randomly if I was happy. I miss hearing him whisper he loved me. We loved so much, we were true soul mates. We shouted it from the rooftops.

Now I am on the other end, the bounce back of the echo of our love. I do not get to hear those things; I do not get to slip my arm around you. Or hold your hand. Or hold you tight. There will be no special red box or red roses with proclamations of love. There is just me straining to hear some sound of our love.

My beloved John, I love you. I always have, I always will. I am so happy to be your wife. I do not need a day with crepe paper. Grief fixes that. It puts in start contrast to the pain you feel the depth of the love you have. And my love for you has no bounds.

So happy everyday my love. The sound of our love will echo forever.

I cannot do this without you. I do not want to.
One Breath, One Step, One day at a time.

Comments for The Other End of an Echo

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Feb 11, 2012
My first Valentine's day alone
by: Judi

I once told my husband that I never felt complete until he walked into the room. I now know that to be true. I will never be complete again. He died suddenly July 22 while I slept on the recliner. Woke up and immediately knew things were wrong. He was sitting at his computer. He had told me only an hour before that I needed a blanket and covered me. I slept while he died. His world was spent in making sure I was happy. All I needed to be happy was him. He was the strong one. I should have gone first. I also live the other end of an echo. Taking one day at a time and not knowing what to do with that day. I retired Jan 2011 so got to spend 7 months with him. Now I would give everything to spend one more day with him. I love my kids but he was my world.

Feb 11, 2012
Hearts of Valentines Day
by: M Mack

Hello Zoe,

My heart breaks for all of us with memories of true love lost. We continue day to day without our soulmates and badly need them in our lives. Those touches, hugs and kisses were more potent than any medicine. I cry whenever I read Raymond's cards to me and only me. They were personally chosen for the wording, and certain words were always underlined. He'd always add a note in his own words to make sure I got it! Every card, not just Valentines Day cards always had a heart drawn on them....an imperfectly drawn heart. I miss my love like all of us do and would give anything to have him back. This is my 2nd VD without him and I know I'll get through it as you. All we have today is to quietly reminisce of our past life and if we're lucky, we may hear the echo of them calling to us and warming our hearts with their love....I know this is possible! My best to you and all of us who work so hard to survive the present. Sending hugs and prayers.

Feb 10, 2012
The want of what was
by:

Zoe,

This is my 3rd Valentines Day without My Love. The first was only months after his death, I was in the numb stages of grief, The easiest because I was in shock and wandered around with an utter disbelief. Last year I wanted to destroy all reminders of the love I once had. This year It is more intense knowing the Love that I once had is gone yet grateful having had that kind of love at all. There is some evolution of grief. And as war widows we know that fight as we might for our sanity the Love we had does not merely disappear, it is finding a place to put it in our heart. Fighting the loneliness that replaces it and praying we do not foolishly try to replace that with something that pales in comparison. I am so very grateful to be able to come here when I feel weak and to have someone listen. My thoughts are with you...
Always.
HH

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