The Pain is going nowhere - the Tapes keep Playing - Breaking my heart all over again
My brother's health started deteriorating around this time last year 2011. He passed on in May 2012. I thought I was coping but the pain - the loss is ripping my heart apart. The joy is gone!!!! A part of me seem to have died with him on that fateful May day. I seem to cry often these days. I just miss him so much. The tape keeps playing in my mind. My mind seem to have recorded all the sad moments towards his passing. It keeps reminding me of the day he burst into tears and cried when he could not keep his food down - that day I actually died inside - I had never seen him cry before. The tape keeps playing - the day we thought he would be operated on - only to be told the cancer has spread - how I left the Dr's room running and went downstairs to cry - how he followed me - looked for me and found me hiding in some corner and actually comforted me.
The tape keeps playing - how we all thought chemo was helping and only to be told on a regular check up - in his presence - that "we not winning - we must prepare ourselves for whats coming". The silence after that - dead silence right until we reached home. We never spoke about the Doctor's comments till his passing. The tape keeps playing how - how he would insist on accompanying me to the train station inspite of the fact that he had no strength to walk but he insisted. How I miss those morning trips to the station with him sleeping in the back seat of the car. That was by brother - loving to the end.
I am not sure whether we will cope this festive season. I am so scared of this pain that is going nowhere!!! December 26th is our normal family lunch day - I dont think I want to go on with this lunch this year because it was the last lunch we spent with my brother. I just dont think I will cope. I just dont want no lunch this year. I hope I will feel bether one day.....some days
I do well but others I am just a mess....everything seem to be a reminder these days.
The tape keeps playing our last hours with him in hospital. How he refused to look me in the eye. How he screamed Ma - when my mom walked in - how he passed on in dignity... How the Doctor came in the waiting room to inform us He has tried everything - how my mom asked the Dr "so is he still going to be alright?" and the Dr shook his head. The Doctor was hurting so so much - he had grown so attached to my brother. Anyway after everything he was at peace. He was at peace.
I miss him so so so much. I always wonder if I am broken like this " how is my mother and his kids really coping? Please heal us Father God from this pain.
Are these tapes going to play in my head until his passing in May? If so then - I dont know how I will cope!!!