The Pain is going nowhere - the Tapes keep Playing - Breaking my heart all over again

My brother's health started deteriorating around this time last year 2011. He passed on in May 2012. I thought I was coping but the pain - the loss is ripping my heart apart. The joy is gone!!!! A part of me seem to have died with him on that fateful May day. I seem to cry often these days. I just miss him so much. The tape keeps playing in my mind. My mind seem to have recorded all the sad moments towards his passing. It keeps reminding me of the day he burst into tears and cried when he could not keep his food down - that day I actually died inside - I had never seen him cry before. The tape keeps playing - the day we thought he would be operated on - only to be told the cancer has spread - how I left the Dr's room running and went downstairs to cry - how he followed me - looked for me and found me hiding in some corner and actually comforted me.

The tape keeps playing - how we all thought chemo was helping and only to be told on a regular check up - in his presence - that "we not winning - we must prepare ourselves for whats coming". The silence after that - dead silence right until we reached home. We never spoke about the Doctor's comments till his passing. The tape keeps playing how - how he would insist on accompanying me to the train station inspite of the fact that he had no strength to walk but he insisted. How I miss those morning trips to the station with him sleeping in the back seat of the car. That was by brother - loving to the end.

I am not sure whether we will cope this festive season. I am so scared of this pain that is going nowhere!!! December 26th is our normal family lunch day - I dont think I want to go on with this lunch this year because it was the last lunch we spent with my brother. I just dont think I will cope. I just dont want no lunch this year. I hope I will feel bether one day.....some days
I do well but others I am just a mess....everything seem to be a reminder these days.

The tape keeps playing our last hours with him in hospital. How he refused to look me in the eye. How he screamed Ma - when my mom walked in - how he passed on in dignity... How the Doctor came in the waiting room to inform us He has tried everything - how my mom asked the Dr "so is he still going to be alright?" and the Dr shook his head. The Doctor was hurting so so much - he had grown so attached to my brother. Anyway after everything he was at peace. He was at peace.

I miss him so so so much. I always wonder if I am broken like this " how is my mother and his kids really coping? Please heal us Father God from this pain.

Are these tapes going to play in my head until his passing in May? If so then - I dont know how I will cope!!!

Comments for The Pain is going nowhere - the Tapes keep Playing - Breaking my heart all over again

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Feb 13, 2014
The Tapes Keep Playing
by: Anonymous

It is exactly 20 months since I lost my beloved brother. Thank you so much for all the messages of support and encouragement I received from this beautiful "recover from grief" family. I want to be honest - the pain has gone down a little, a little I mean. I am gradually beginning to remember the good times we had with my brother - but most of the time "the tapes of the tough journey we walked together after his diagnosis" keep playing. For a long time after his passing, the first thing that came to my mind on waking up in the morning was my brother, the cancer diagnosis, the chemos, desperation in his eyes, together receiving devastating news for Drs "we not winning - prepare yourselves for what's coming", the silence between us, the pain of losing him. I still cannot watch soccer because that reminds me of his screaming and shouting when things were not going ok for Man City...LOL

I am not sure if I confronted the pain fully because in 2013 I just myself in studies - an extremely hectic programme - and now 2014 it seems I am missing him all over again. Every little thing bring tears to my eyes!!!!!!!!!

I know I will fine one day as my God is good I know and he is forever walking with us through this tough journey. For now it is taking one day at a time. I am not sure if the pain is exacerbated by the fact that we were the only two children in the family and the real fact that I pass the cemetery everyday when I to work and back - I am reminded of where he is daily......

the pain of loosing of loved one!!!!

Jan 20, 2013
My brother died in May 2012 also...
by: Nancy

I know EXACTLY what you are going through. Your story encouraged me to write my story on this site. I lost my brother in 27 days. We had NO idea (not even him) that he had lympohma for years (hence he was always sick). During those 27 days that he was in the hospital, I took off of work and just was there with him. I wrote a journal to remind myself of every moment that I could think of, day by day after he died. I remembered everything b/c it was like I was a walking calendar of the dates as to when he was issued one medication over another, of how long it had been since the PT folks came to have him stretch in bed, etc. During each of these days, there were special heart tugging things he said to me. I'm 38, he was 43. I moved to the DC area b/c I wanted to follow in his footsteps after college and it's b/c of him that I'm in my field. NOW, like 8 months later, I'm still a wreck! I break down still...the holidays were the worst. As like you with your family lunches on Dec 26th....that was his birthday, so that was a rough day on us too. I learned that these constant memories/flashbacks are PTSD. I just want it all to go away, but at the same time, I don't b/c I'm afraid I'll forget him. It's a weird feeling. Work is now telling me to take a leave of absence b/c the stress is causing me to just slip into a new zone of mourning/depression/anger/etc. I can't handle people well anymore. I just miss my brother...just like you miss yours.
Hugs, my friend. You're not alone.

Dec 28, 2012
I understand
by: Anonymous

My brother recently passed away at the age of 21 to cancer, he was diagnosed 2 days after his 21st birthday with an adult neuroblastoma tumour and died 11 months later. He was incredibly brave and fought so hard, he went through 2 rounds of chemo, radiation therapy & a 10 hour operation which removed half of his tumour. Throughout everything he never gave up hope after so much bad news, the chemo wasn't working and the operation couldn't remove all of the tumour, he didn't receive one bit of good news throughout the treatments. He was absolutely devastated, scared and when I looked into his eyes it tore my heart apart, we watched him deteriorate from a healthy young man to a skeletal, weak and lifeless soul. He was always so positive and repeatedly told all the family how much he loved us all, towards the end of his life we decided not to tell him he was dying, inside none of us actually believed it and we still all kept hope, for his sake. I feel absolutely empty- and Everytime I close my eyes I see his eyes looking at me in desperation .. My brother was the kindest, caring and a very special person, what makes it even harder is that I'm pregnant and it breaks my heart knowing he will never get to hold her- he was so excited to have a niece on the way. Him & his fiancé also had an appointment to go for IVF 2 days before he passed, he was just too weak to go.. He desperately wanted a family and he always said he had everything to live for.. He was so right. I'm just so confused to why he had to go so cruelly, it's a terrible cruel disease which nobody deserves to go through.. Especially a 21 year old man with his whole life ahead of him. I feel so numb, the only thing keeping me going is my unborn child and support of family. I miss him more than anything and would do anything for him to be back here, the only thing that keeps me sain is reminding myselfe hes at peace now- no longer suffering. I feel your pain :(

Dec 12, 2012
Be Kind, Rewind
by: Novi

Your story really pulls on my heartstrings... my condolences for the loss of your brother. This tape that keeps playing over and over again - I know what you speak of. That is the perfect way to describe it. Although everyone's experience is unique and we all grieve differently, I do empathize with you. I used to relive the recording of the doctor telling my mother, cold and blatantly, "you will DIE from this". He must have had to tell many patients this, because honestly, he himself sounded like a broken record. Another recording that never let up was when we were told that my mother no longer qualified to try the drug Sutent, which was supposed to extend her life by a few years. My mother burst into tears, and like you that was the first time I had ever seen her cry. That was the day she gave up.

I'll be honest with you, these 'recordings' never really go away, but they do fade with time. Your mind recorded ALL the moments, but these last ones are so fresh and painful that they are dominating your thoughts right now. Holidays intensify it. It does get better, I assure you. One thing that I tell myself when the pain becomes too unbearable is that if you dwell on your loved ones pain, your are keeping their pain alive. You can't let the negative win. Keep the good memories alive, your brother wouldn't want you to suffer! You've suffered enough already! My mom made me promise not to cry too much (she knew it was unreasonable to tell me to not cry at all) and to remember her as she was before her illness.
This Christmas will be hard for you, but do something for yourself; try and smile at a good memory of your brother, at least once - as a Christmas gift to him and to yourself. Keep in mind that tapes can rewind too, you can choose what you want to watch.


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