the pain is so bad
The love of my life was my husband, father, son, brother, best friend, my everything. . We were inseparable and shared everything together. He was sharp and aware to the last. He couldn't speak . I just kept telling him how much I loved him over and over because I knew the end was near. I kissed him over and over. We never spoke of the end but we both knew it. He tried to mouthe the words I love you but no sound would come out. That hurt me so very much and I keep reliving the hurt. We held hands until it was time for me to leave him after being there from 8 a.m. I had hired an aide that night due to my exhaustion. I had cared for him daily at home for a year and then transported and supported him thru 52 radiations and over 100 Dr. visits. He wasn't a candidate for chemo. I could hardly stand up from exhaustion. Yesterday would have been our 45th Anniversary. I cried all day and kept telling him I loved him and how much I miss him. How I long to see him and hug him I know we were fortunate to have each other that long but it hurts even more now because the loss is so great and I don't see any future happiness, only longing for him for the rest of my life.
Among other talents, He was quite a writer and photographer. I am reading his memoirs - thirteen chapters. He was so considerate I know he knew I would read them someday and it would console me. It only makes me love him more. I need consolation that no one seems to be able to give me. I can't find it anywhere. I know the Lord is there for me and I pray every day for peace. My heart is broken.