the pain is so bad

by Julia

The love of my life was my husband, father, son, brother, best friend, my everything. . We were inseparable and shared everything together. He was sharp and aware to the last. He couldn't speak . I just kept telling him how much I loved him over and over because I knew the end was near. I kissed him over and over. We never spoke of the end but we both knew it. He tried to mouthe the words I love you but no sound would come out. That hurt me so very much and I keep reliving the hurt. We held hands until it was time for me to leave him after being there from 8 a.m. I had hired an aide that night due to my exhaustion. I had cared for him daily at home for a year and then transported and supported him thru 52 radiations and over 100 Dr. visits. He wasn't a candidate for chemo. I could hardly stand up from exhaustion. Yesterday would have been our 45th Anniversary. I cried all day and kept telling him I loved him and how much I miss him. How I long to see him and hug him I know we were fortunate to have each other that long but it hurts even more now because the loss is so great and I don't see any future happiness, only longing for him for the rest of my life.
Among other talents, He was quite a writer and photographer. I am reading his memoirs - thirteen chapters. He was so considerate I know he knew I would read them someday and it would console me. It only makes me love him more. I need consolation that no one seems to be able to give me. I can't find it anywhere. I know the Lord is there for me and I pray every day for peace. My heart is broken.

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Jun 02, 2011
The pain seems unsurvivable at first...


Zoe said it better than I ever could. Grief will take you where you need to go. The ups and down of emotions is maddening and is by far the worst emotional ride I have been on my entire life. Do not try to hurry the process, take one day at a time and try not to look to far into the future right now.

It will have been a year and a half Monday June 6th 2011. His birthday would have been tomorrow June 4th. I still do not know what to do with the holidays celebrate them? survive them? remember them? or try to forget them...

Trying to fix grief finding out what was normal and wanting him here anyway was the beginning of grief for me.

I do know that without this site to use as my sounding board I would have surely lost my mind.
The people here are wonderful and really do understand as others can not. Please come back often we are here to listen at all hours of the night or day.

Jun 02, 2011
by: zoe

Oh, we all know this pain, it is blinding and physical you can feel your soul tear and your heart break.
It has been 14 months since the loss of my love. I will tell you this grief is different from anything you have ever been through. And unfortunately, you have live through this yourself, alone. While we all understand this pain, it is individual for each of us. This is very new for you, now I am sure grief washes over you at every turn. You did not say how long it had been but I am assuming from what you wrote it has not been very long. In the immediate beginning, there is a numbing that comes with the loss, sort of a space that allows you to breath and not implode from the pain. After the first month or two that numbness will wear away and it will feel very sharp and close. Then the ride starts. First you have moments where you feel even, then something will slam you into a wall of pain. You will take one step forward and ten steps back sometimes. And sometimes, you will take one step forward.
I will say from personal experience this site saved me. When I first started writing here, it was very raw and people I now consider my friends commented very gently, I didn't want to hear. Then you start to hear, and despite how stupid it sounds you have this pain and you run here because we DO understand, you dont have to explain it you just say it. Here you can be honest, and here you can come at any hour. Most people, dare I say do not want to hear from a widow at three oclock in the morning when the bed is huge and cold and alone. But you come here and we will be listening, and if you watch people start responding pretty close to right away. We are always here, and we will always listen.
The best advise I can give you for right now, is to start in the very slowest course to keep yourself moving.
one breath, one step, one day at a time.

Jun 01, 2011
The pain is soooo bad
by: Kay G.

I just read your story on the loss of your beloved husband..your story sounds so familiar as I lost my husband of 48 year just over a year ago, I too took care of my husband to the end in our home that he built for us. I was fortunate to be able to hold him till he took his last breath..he also could not talk at the end but as he was dying he pushed his face closer to mine and tried to tell me he loved me "the pastor told me to listen carefully as he was in fact trying to tell me good bye"...he tied to fight to the end and I finally told him to 'let go' that god was waiting for him and that I would be OK...he took "like a deep breath and slowly let it go" very peaceful... a beam of light shown through the window. It was amazing...
Little did I know the pain and grief I would and still do suffer...he was my world as we grew up together and was starting to grow old have this lost feeling that nothing can deep that it's ripping your heart out...I look back on this last year..I don't know how I have made it without him..I do know God has been with me from the day he died... holding me up and guiding me, I have always believed in God as did he, but we never went to church on a regular basis...during the last week before he died I watch him as he seen "something"
or 'someone' coming for him...I know I probably sound crazy but if you knew me you would listen closely...he would look up as if to be listening to someone 'very intensely I ask him what he seen and he would just nod "as if to say nothing...he was not on any type of pain killers or anything that would distort his mind...he didn't believe in taking pain meds..he wanted to be alert for the time he had left with me...
What I have done to help myself...
I write in a book to him, at first every day, now it has gotten less frequent but I still write as if he was still here with me or I tell him what is happening with our family etc.... This is one thing that has helped me get through this pain, also time does help and talking about it..every time you do... it makes it a little less intense, and of course praying and talking to God.... And do what is in your heart not what people tell you to do or what you should be doing, everyone is different..
I have retreated to my home..not going out much..I had to work through it on my own terms...I'm finally going out more and not feeling guilty about doing things without him...
But I still cry allot and miss him so much..I do one day at a time....I hope this note will help you through your journey And to know we are all in the same situation just at a different time and place...God Bless...K...

Jun 01, 2011
I understand
by: jean

as do most of us here. ((hugs)) I lost my sweet husband this past november 23rd, 2010. I don't think the pain ever gets better. Missing him never stops. I think we just learn to hide it better. As we must go on. Not sure why but everyone says we have to. Good luck to you, I keep everyone here in my prayers. God Bless

Jun 01, 2011
the pain is unbearable sometimes
by: TrishJ

What a beautiful name. That's my daughter-in-law's name. I love her so much.
I was married to my beloved husband for 37 1/2 years when he died on December 3, 2010. It's been almost 6 months. The pain is still there. I have days where I still just try to block things from my mind but other days I just let the tears come. It sometimes feels good to have a good cry.
I have come to terms with my husband's death...I've made my peace with God about it. I know it was through God's loving and infinite wisdom that it was time to end Joe's suffering. I just miss him so much it tears my heart out some days. Still...after 6 months.
Grief is not an illness. We never recover from it. It's a chronic condition that we have to learn to adjust to. There are days when I can sit and remember and a smile will wash over my entire body. Other days it's only tears. But I guess I am making some progress.
We are all here for you. We are all suffering tremendous loss. We are all aching and trying to find our way.
God's blessings to you. Just take it one breath, one step at a time. Lean on those that you love.
Your husband would want you to be happy. He loves you and knows that you were there with him to the end. Hugs and peace to you.

Jun 01, 2011
by: Judith in California

Julia, God bless you on your journey of grief and to final peace with the passing of your beloved.
We who are here are here for you. So come here often to let it out. It's a kind of wailing -wall of sorts where we cry, and lament about all of our emotions from experiencing Grief.

Firstly, take care of you and grieve until you can't any longer.

Jun 01, 2011
Flicker of light!
by: Susan

I happen to be on this web page as I was looking for information for a friend and I came across your story. My husband had been very unwell at the latter part of last year, so much so that I thought I would lose him. He has been given a second bite of the cherry so to speak and is a whole lot better and I feel we have a future again. We have been married for nearly 30 years and are a very close and loving couple and I just couldn't imagine my life without him.
You too were blessed with each other and were very lucky to have been together so long. There are not many couples that experience that kind of love, the love you had with your husband and I have with mine. My time will come one day I know (my husband is much older than me) but in the mean time I literally treasure every single day, life is very very precious to us and reading your story has just made it (if at all possible)just that much more! Keep going with your grief as it's one less day you have to deal with as it will one day finish and you will see a flicker of light at the end of that tunnel!

Jun 01, 2011
The pain really is bad
by: M mack


I'm so sorry for your loss of such a wonderful person. Keep reading the memoirs and definitely keep praying. Grief can be overwhelming at times and there really is nothing you can do to get around it. It makes you go through the pain and if you attempt to go around it, it will get you eventually.

I have lost the love of a lifetime, my soulmate over 10months ago and still have many up and down days missing him. Even as I write, I am saddened that he is not here to comfort me. I rely on prayer, it has helped me to move along. Take your time, read older posts, write and come here as often as you need to because it helps to know you are not alone in this journey. We are all here and feel the same pain and sadness whether we are 1 month, a year sometimes even years have passed... Yet we never forget the love of our lives. Take care and one breath, one step, one day at a time.

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