The Pain never stops.....

by Jessica Herrmann
(Chester, Vt)

May 10th, 2009. I awoke, my loving husband awoke, with only one thing on his mind, going to the store to get coffee creamer so that I could have coffee, as he drank his black. My back was hurting really bad, I had just gone and seen the Dr. and they had told me that my spine was pinching my spinal cord, they had given me pain killers and muscle relaxers. He went out to the kitchen, got me a glass of water and a muscle relaxer. I took them, he kissed me on the forehead and told me he would be right back.

I got up just after he left, and went to the bathroom. I was sitting in the living room when he walked through the door. He looked horrible. White, sweaty, and was breathing hard. I asked him if he was ok, he told me his arm hurt. I instinctively asked him was he having a heart attack. He looked at me, smirked and said No. I have a flu or something. Little did I know.

John collapsed an hour later, fell to the ground, in front of me, with an EMT there. They air lifted him to the Hospital. Where I was told that a blood clot had gotten stuck in his heart. The doctors kept telling me there was a chance..... For 2 days I waited with my family by my side.

Wednesday morning, May 13th, 2009. They told me his chances of survival was 6%....he was 100% on life support. I could not ask him to fight any more. I loved him, I still love him. The hardest thing I will ever do in my life I did. I sat by him, I held his hand, I rubbed his arm, and I looked at him and told him it was ok to go, that I would be ok. He passed away within 1 minute of pulling life heart, my became shattered that day. I move on, I go through the motions, but My life as it was is forever gone.....

Comments for The Pain never stops.....

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Oct 09, 2010
Hang on
by: Judy


I remember the raw pain that you are now feeling. It will get better, please trust those of us who have been there ahead of you. You just need to live each day the best you can and know that with time the pain will soften and get easier to handle. Let your grief roll over you if that's how you are feeling. Only you know how you are feeling, don't expect anyone to really understand since they are not in your shoes and didn't have the relationship with your husband that you did. I want to say one thing- I promised my Barry the same thing, that I would be ok and he could go. And that is what I'm trying to do also. To be OK. You can do it. Remember we are here also.

Oct 07, 2010
Dont give up
by: Jen


The pain never stops but it does get a little less as time goes on.
Im nearing two years into this unexpected journey and my life is a very different one.

I have, i think quite recently got thro the utter anger and bitterness of losing my darling husband aged 41 after a horrible and painful death of cancer.
Stay strong take one day at a time and deal with it all at your own pace.

Six months ago i would never have believed i could be feeling stronger, but i am.

They never leave us, go to you tube and listen to the words of Leona Lewis footprints in the sand.... Amazing, its on repeat in my car and i do believe..."he is always there"

Jen S

Oct 07, 2010
So sorry
by: HH


I am so sorry that I referred to your grief as new grief. You have been trying to muddle your way through this for over a year now. Case in point my own fogginess. Keep coming back to this site. We all suffer and try to find relief from grief here.
My very best to you and you journey accepting this new life.

Oct 07, 2010

Your Life will not be the same. You are venturing on a new life one that you don't want. I understand I want my old life back too. Right now things are foggy and you just go through the motions but please allow grief in to to its dirty work. We all have had to go through it and still are. It does lesson just a tad with time. But there is no hurrying it. You'll find people have less patience for your grief as time passes but don't let ANYONE tell you when or how long to grieve. Please be extra careful during this time, Your grief is new and gives you brain farts you wouldn't believe. Don't be surprised if you stand in front of the the ketchup for a eon trying to figure out what you want, often times crying right then and there. I try to distract myself when I feel that lump coming. Work work harder. but where you are now, there is no avoiding it so all I can say is I hope that eventually you will accept this new life. Its not easy and I wish you well.

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