The pain of losing the love of my life

by J

In May 2008 I met the love of my life, P. We were both over 50 and felt so lucky that we had found each other. P was a wonderful man who was so easy to love. He made me feel very special and we were totally happy. We were about to embark on a new chapter of our lives and we were very excited about the future. Then out of the blue only 18 months after we met, he suddenly became ill. I had a terrible feeling of dread. P had tests and we were told that he had a malignant brain tumour. He had surgery, followed by radiotherapy and chemotherapy. We hoped and hoped that P would be able to get his life back on track but this was not to be. He went through so much over the next 2 years, further surgery and other medical hurdles. He was so brave throughout and did everything he was asked. He had so much to live for and never gave up trying to overcome the debilitating and disabling effects of surgery and treatment. He put up with the odd seizure here and there too. His independent,active lifestyle was turned upside down and it was agonising for me to see what this illness was doing to him. I nursed him and tried care for him as best I could. I loved him so much and would have given anything to have him well again. Sadly a month ago P passed away and I am heartbroken. I miss him so much. I try to comfort myself with knowing he is no longer suffering. I feel so angry that this lovely man who had so much living yet to do has lost his life so early and just when everything in his life was so good. It seems so cruel that he was given a taste of immense happiness only to have it snatched away. Grief is the price we pay for love isn't it? I fell as if a huge part of me has been lost and I will never be the same person again. The future looks so bleak without the love of my life beside me. The pain is just intense and I have never known pain like this before. It helps me a little to believe that P is around me all the time in spirit. God bless you my darling.

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Jun 17, 2012
Re The pain of losing the love of my life
by: J

Dear Doreen and other kind readers. Thank you so much for your comments about my sadness. To say that I know how you are feeling seems very inadequate but please know I share your sorrow from afar. The time I had with my darling P was so precious and I was very aware of that the whole time I was with him. I realised that love is not measured in the time in years you have with someone but in the depth of of the love between you. P and I had incredible depth of love and a very strong connection that I had never known before. My time with him taught me that you can spend years in a relationship and not have true love but when you find the right person the bond becomes strong very quickly. He really was the love the of my life. I knew that if I lost him I would be inconsolable and that is exactly how I feel. I know that he would want be to be happy and to try to build a new life but when you are feeling such sorrow that is furthest from your mind. I take each day very much one at a time and somehow I get through each day. This website with its advice on living with grief is so helpful. It attempts to give you hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel. In spite of the intense pain I am feeling I am so glad I had the time I had with him, grief is the price we pay for love. For my darling P, I will keep on trying to get through each day, whatever I do, wherever I am, he will be with me and in my heart always. Nothing can take away my love for him.

Jun 16, 2012
Trying to
by: Doreen England U.K.

Dear Pippi
I am sorry for your loss of your husband and for how you are feeling right now.
I know we are all here for the same reason to help and comfort each other in our loss and somehow be a support one another. But saying this each persons experience is unique and important to them and It hurts me to say to you here that I feel your pain and wish I could be here for your personally as you are on your own and have no one with you which will make you feel so very isolated and this is worse.
When you are surrounded by loving supportive people it makes a difference as we try to adjust to our new circumstances being on our own.
I miss the adult conversations and the humour and all the other nice things about the one I Loved.
Pippi I hope that you will find supportive people to surround you at this difficult time of grief and that your son will be a comfort to you as children are. I wish you Peace and Love and life's best in the days ahead and ongoing till you find yourself in a comfortable place with your grief.

Jun 15, 2012
Love of my life
by: Anonymous

Lost my husband 8months ago feels like yesterday, Oct 10,2011, tragic accident was killed at work we were married 35 yrs we were both 55 . I remember the day his boss called me asked if I was his wife , yes I answered, stating to me your husband got hurt at work and as I asked him is he ok he says to me yes ,rushed him to hospital,I said on my way. Called my boys to take me to hospital , when we get there asked the nurse came to see my husband. She states to me please come with me as I'm walking with her I knew something was wrong , as you know when you see 1 doctor and 2 nurses you know what to expect, the Dr says to me sorry we could not save your husband he Died, those were the exact words he said to he's Dead. Oh my god I screamed how could I have lost the love of my life the person that I was going to get old with how I feel that life has cheated me. My children are grown now it was time for us to enjoy our life together again. And life cheated me out of that now I am alone, everyone says to me it will be fine No it is Not, I'm so angry with god that I no longer have my husband my best friend , my companion now I'm Alone, yes I have my Children it's not the same I'm still feel alone. ,they have to go on there journey , that god has for them . My husband and I were best friends we did everything together I just don't understand, we were always together family outings cookouts working out was one of our favorite things to do together. Now I go visit him at the cemetery every day that is my comfort I cry for him all the time ,it's so difficult for me , I Know he's not there its just the comfort and the peacefulness, thank you for listening, love you I have so much to say about my husband , I would probably have to write a book he was such a wonderful father ,grandfather, husband ,I loved him dearly forever I will. :(

Jun 14, 2012
Lost the love of my life
by: Doreen England U.K.

Hi J
I am sorry for the loss of your husband. This is true It is like pain we have never felt before and we wish it would end but we rise to another day feeling the same way and wonder when this pain will go away and we will start to feel better. We can never go back to the way things were and it hurts like hell. We don't know how we can go on without the love of our lives. Many of us don't want to go on another day and yet we do. We have no choice but to live this day and hope we won't be consumed with grief.
I lost my husband of 44 years marriage 5 weeks ago and just buried him and I can't get rid of the anger and rage I feel inside.
I cry and cry and cry and feel empty without Steve here. Wish all us grieving widows and widowers could get together and support each other personally as people need people and we have a common purpose which is to be healed from this pain and grief, so we do need each other.
Life seems like a long road that we have to travel and the road feels so long I can hardly bear it. I get to think. Other people cope and why can't I. I can't share how I feel with some of the people who came to the funeral as they just move forward and think I should too. They are not in my shoes and so they would not understand how to comfort or support. You will also have your own experiences that may echo mine. At least you won't feel all alone feeling as if you are going mad with grief. Know we all feel the same way. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I hope you will have better days ahead and be able to find people to support you at this difficult time and surround you giving you what you need to help you on this hard journey we all travel now we have lost the love of our lives.

Jun 13, 2012
Trying to
by: Pippi

I came across this website while trying to find a way to help my 12 yr. old get through his first Fathers Day without his dad. I am 43 yrs. old & lost my husband on 9/15/11 after fighting head/neck cancer which then spread to his brain. He passed away the same day my mother did 13 yrs. ago- 9/15/98, our son was born on 9/15/99. I was both my mother and my husbands caregiver and without sounding harsh, taking care of and losing my husband was the worst. He walked into my office 17 yrs. ago and it was all over. I will never forget that feeling, nor will I ever feel that way again!! I'm the sick one, not my husband, so why him?? I suffer from Lupus and have had over 10 spinal surgeries, why didn't God give me Cancer?? My husband was never sick a day in his life, and the only time he ever missed worked was to take care of me. My son is so lost without his dad and is so afraid I am going to leave him. We don't have any family close by, so it's just my son and I. I know this sounds to good to be true, but my usband and I never argued. if we had something to talk about we always waited for our son to go to bed. Then he gets sick and for 2 years my son hears us arguing, I was so angry he got Cancer and for leaving me. Really?? He didn't ask for it but I knew he was going die from the very first diagnosis. I have so much guilt now and keep going back over every little detail and wondering if I did everything I could. I finally let Hospice come in towards the end because he was starting to get kinda cranky from the extreme pain he was having and I didn't want my son to see or remember his father like that. A little less than a month and he was gone. The Cancer had spread to his brain so bad it actually shifted his brain in his skull. The pain he was feeling was horrible and I knew I couldn"t be selfish anymore. They put my husband in a medically induced coma on Monday and Wednesday night I just layed with him and told him we were going be alright and it was o.k. for him to let go and rest. The minute I said our sons name he woke up!!! The Hospice nurse was in shock and told us there was no way he should be awake. I called my son out to see his father and although we couldn't understand what he was saying, he was trying to roll over and hug us and that's when we knew he understood what we were saying. He rolled back over on his back and put his arms up in the air and I knew it was my mother. I only fell asleep for 20 mins and he left, my mom came for him to thank him in person for being such a wonderful man, loving and very caring husband, but more than anything the most amazing and one-of-a-kind father. Happy fathers Day Babe, we love and miss so much it hurts. We are getting by and I can't wait to see your beautiful face again!! Always only you xoxoxo

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