The pain of my loss

by Diane
(St. Louis, MO)


I lost my daughter in Jan. 2011. She was 36 years old. I watched her suffer for a year with breast cancer. She had a mastectomy, removal of all the lymph nodes on the right side but one, expanders put in for re-construction, a port put in her chest for chemo treatments & meds, and finally radiation. She fought so hard, and had a clean pet scan in July. In Nov. she went to the hospital with severe headaches. The doctors found a brain tumor which had metastasized from the breast cancer. After the brain surgery the doctors decided the cancer had spread to her spinal column and nothing more could be done for her. She ended up in hospice where she passed away in a week.
I still can't believe this all happened. I am overwhelmed with grief and guilt. I am the Mom, I was supposed to make her feel better and get rid of the hurt like when she was a little girl! I go to work and function in a fog. I come home and cry every night when I look at her picture. Everyone expects you to get on with your life and they are clueless to the pain. I read in a book that "you will never be the same person you were" after a loss like this.
Thank you for letting me share my story!
Diane

Comments for The pain of my loss

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Mar 15, 2012
My mother
by: Irma

Hello everyone. My name is Irma I'm 23 years old, my mom Sonia of 47 is now starting with chemo on the 22nd of March. Today she is having a port placed in her chest. My mom found out she had breast Cancer on her left breast in November of last year. We all had an idea what it was for a whole year. But my mom was too scared to go to the Cancer Institute. She waited for a little help from the government and she had applied for Medicaid. She finally got it after 3 months. My grandmother (her mom) fought cancer, and fought it through. She had just recently passed away in February from lung problems and heart disabilities that she had lived with all her life. My mom was always there by her side as I am with my mom. I feel so sad my mom has to go through so much with the lost of her mother and now breast cancer. Started off with stage 1 and went up to stage 3 in a matter of 1 month. I'm scared for her and wish I can do so much for her. I know its going to be hard. I study every thing the doctors tell her she's going through. I love my mother so much. I think if I were to get asked, if I would choose anything else over my mother. My answer will always be my mother. I got married and left that life to be with my family before my grandma had passed. Something had told me I needed to come back home. My mom is my right hand side, my Best Friend, my Angel. I know she is a very strong woman, the way she had raised me and my siblings (Older brother of 25 and younger sister of 19). The way she cares so much about everyone around her and she would drop anything to help out and the attention that she needs now she gets from everyone she loves. My dad, my siblings, my grandparents (even if grandma is watching and is right by her every move , we miss you dearly) my uncles my aunts and friends. Mother I will be right by your side and you are a fighter. You will fight and go through all this. And i will be right by your side through every step of the way.. I love you.

Dec 16, 2011
I can relate
by: Cheryl Thompson

I can totally feel your pain and understand it as well. I lost my 30 year old daughter (03/23/09) to breast cancer as well. Your daughter's story sounds as though I could have been telling it. Shontia was diagnosed at the age of 23 and fought courageously as well. I know the pain is wrenching and it feels as though someone snatched my heart out of my chest and is expecting all other organs to function without my heart. May the God of comfort continue to help you through this very awful and traumatic time.

May 14, 2011
I FEEL YOUR PAIN
by: Anonymous

I feel like I'm walking beside you and completely able to understand your feelings. My brother had a liver transplant and it was many problems we never even heard of. Seven years, two months to the day, he passed away with brain cancer. That was July 2010. We were very close. He left five children behind. He was the sweetest person. We had no idea he had cancer until three weeks before he passed. May God bless you and comfort you and wrap you in peace. Soon we'll get to a better place. I'm sorry for your loss.

May 09, 2011
from California
by: Shirley

Today is nine months since my sweet Dimitri died of leukemia. Yesterday was my first Mother's Day without him. Did it hurt? Hell yes it hurt! But I got through it. He suffered for two long years. He turned 21 and three weeks later he was in the hospital. No one knows how it all started. The leukemia didn't develop until 22 months into his journey. After a liver transplant, almost fatal septic shock, aplastic anemia, removal of part of his colon.....he died of leukemia. All of this within 24 months. How a completely healthy kid could suddenly wake up one morning acutely ill is still a mystery. Hopefully one day I will have the answers to my questions. Until then I just have to make the best of it....one step, one breath. Along the way I'll hold hands with others, like my cousin Pat, who have also suffered a terrible loss, and together, we will continue to live in their memory.

May 08, 2011
You Are Really So Brave
by: TrishJ

Diane~
What an awesome picture. She looks full of life and like so much fun!!
You will miss her everyday for the rest of your life. That's the price we pay for loving so deeply. Even though that "state of shock, numb phase" eventually subsides, it never fully goes away. There is a little ache there that will be with us forever.
My husband Joe died in December 2010. It's getting somewhat better these past few days but it's not good. Good would be having him back again. I can't have that.
I do the best I can. I get up each day and try to find some good in the day. I'm still having days where that is really hard.
You have found a wonderful web site. There are a lot of caring people here who are going through the same thing. We can all agree on one thing ~ this grief process takes a lot of work and fortitude. We're all here for each other.
God bless. I hope you find some peace this Mother's Day.

May 08, 2011
The Lost
by: Patricia From Las Vegas

My lost is not your's and your's is nobody else's. Its a hard and painful road we travel as each of us deal with the grief and sorrow our lives now have. My cousin lost her son "Dimitri" at age 23 just this past year. I followed that journey for 2 years ~ I see her pain and her strength because even if you don't feel it is there. The new stages of lost and grief are the most painful, I thought I was going crazy and I thought I would forget everything. The pain will never go away but we learn to live in those moments, those brief seconds and minutes of time where the despair is less and the memories make us smile. This site is wonderful. You can come, cry, scream and yell... (god know I've done it all and still do)
Were here to listen to whatever your heart is telling you at this time and place. Your places and times will change but at there own accord, don't rush it, it comes when it comes. So we will come and talk and cry with you if needed. Take your time because its your time to take and its not over or time to move on until your ready.
I'm going on 10 almost 11 month of the Love of my Life ~ Billy is no longer with me. Taken from me in just one moment in time I will always remember. My first's have pass, Birthday (mine), Christmas and the hardest, Valentine's Day, the 1 year mark is coming and like you, I'm crying my eyes each night and with my heart breaking each morning I wake with him gone. May 25th is his Birthday, how will I survive? who knows
But I'm always,
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~

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