The Pain

by Yvonne
(California)

My doctor told me I need to go to a therapist. I can't talk to people. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to be told I will be OK without my Roger. I won't - I'm not-I never will be. Everyone else has coped with his death. No one else comes home to an empty house, with no one to talk to -no one to hold me -no shoulder to cry on. And I do a lot of that. I can't make them understand. They talk about things and I sit and pretend to listen. I try to do my daily routine. But I am so lonely. I don't even want people to come by because I am more lonely when they are here. There is no Roger -There is no one there for me. He had a massive seizure a few years ago and told me the only reason he could figure that God left him on this earth was to take care of me. While I still need him God. I just want to be with him. I just want to be near him. WHY CAN'T SOMEONE UNDERSTAND THE PAIN!!!!!

Comments for The Pain

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Nov 11, 2011
I miss you, Lana
by: David

it feels like the pain won't ever go away - my chest feels like it's going to explode and every morning when I wake up and realize that Lana is no longer in my life, the pain just starts all over again. Even though I know she was ill, and I believe we did everything in the world to keep Lana healthy and happy - it just doesn't feel like enough. I so much want to be near her, I want to hold her again so bad - If there was ever anything I didn't do right for her, I'm so sorry - I love her so much and this pain is so bad, I just want to be with her. I miss Lana so much! I love her and I really really feel the need for her to keep knowing that!

Sep 06, 2011
I'm praying for you.
by: Jack

I think I understand that pain. I feel my version of it too. I lost my Hakan almost 6 months ago. The people on this website feel the pain too . We really do understand what you are going through. I'm so sorry for your loss. I will pray for you and hope we all feel better as the time moves on. Its what our partners would want for us. That I'm sure of! I'm with you. Jack from NYC

Sep 03, 2011
I am you!
by: Sue

Believe it or not I do understand, my Allen was told 2-15 he had end stage liver diease. He fought a hard fight, and left this earth on 5-11-11 in my arms with 1 tear on his right eye. And he took his last sweet breath looking at me. I too am so lonely just plain empty inside and like you I can't make people understand just how empty I truly am.

Please be strong because your Roger wants that, after all your Roger is making the way for your journey to the other side as my Allen also is.

May God bless you and keep you safe.

sue

Sep 02, 2011
Pain
by: Judy

Yvonne,

We all understand the pain but each loss is different so no one will ever really understand your pain and your loss.

People who try and comfort you with those moronic comments are just trying to find a way to say they care about you. They don't know what to say or do so they fall back on a cliche. They're just something that you have to deal with like bad weather and monthly bills. You will heal at your rate and in your time.

I personally benefitted from counseling and a grief support group. They are non-judgemental and will deal with you at whatever place you are emotionally and spiritually. But only you can judge if this is the right choice for you.

We are always here and ready to listen and support you.

JM

Aug 31, 2011
The Pain
by: jules

Every day - one step, one breath

This is all we can do, I spoke to a friend today who has been a widow for 22 years (my love died 22 months ago) - she says she still feels the loss of her husband even after all this time.

There is no time limit on grief - I heard a song the other night the title was something like "trying to find the time to get over you" - I don't thing we ever "find the time" - it will be with us forever - even though we live our lives, laugh, have fun, mix with others - there is always the moment when you walk in the door at the end of the day, and there is no one there to say - hi - how was your day, kiss you hello, and the other ordinary things we once took for granted.

This site can and will help you cope, come to it as often as you need - here you can speak the truth, here to will not hear the phrase "you will move on" or "you will get over it" - but you will hear words of compassion and caring, and understanding.
So again - every day, one step, one breath
Take care
jules

Aug 30, 2011
I feel and understand your pain
by: Lenora - New Mexico

Hi Yvonne,

I?m sorry about your Roger and I feel your pain and I?m there too.

I lost my Kevin, 4 mths 1 day ago. Like you I miss my Kevin sooo much, it makes me crazy sometimes. I work late or go to the gym so I do not have to go back to an empty apartment. It?s hard not having your soul mate around bc we did everything together and now it?s just me. My Kevin was not ill, he went on a fishing trip and never came home.

I will never understand why we have to go through this kind of pain...

I started seeing a grief counselor only because family and friends had moved on with their lives and did not want to listen to me anymore. She allows me to cry if I want, listens to my stories about Kevin...listens to my frustrations as to why other people do not understand my pain & loss....gives me advice....she does not push medication on me....so it helps me. I look foward to seeing her every week.

I wish you well and remember we are here for you.

My love always ~ Kevin.

Lenora

Aug 30, 2011
We understand...
by:

Yvonne,

We understand your pain, we are all in varying degrees of pain, in different yet same realms of pain loosing our spouse. To say I am adjusting is really stating that there is no other choice But to adapt. I remember not wanting to talk to anyone thinking that they could not understand and actually seemed distracted after hearing the same ole same ole.

It is really here that I can vent my emotions and allow some relief from the pain that grief leaves. I guess in the end grief is like arthritis there is always pain, just some days are easier than others.

We just survived hurricane Irene here on the East coast. I volunteered in an emergency shelter and though I was quite busy cooking for everyone that came to the shelter tired and hungry. I still had time to wish that I were going through it with Paul.
With Paul I felt that I could withstand anything that came my way.
Being strong on my own, doing what I need to do is happening day by day. That does not mean that I am happy about it, Proud yes I guess but it gives me little satisfaction just a sigh and move on to the next task at hand. So very empty without My Love.

The loneliness really does not seem to let up. Even in a crowded room or in this case a crowded Burger King sucking up their internet (no electricity yet) I feel ever so lonely.

Together we could do anything, Alone I can too- but It is not the same. Come here Yvonne when every your lonely tired or just plain pissed off. We will listen we will always listen because we know...
HH

Aug 29, 2011
The Pain is so real
by: Tina

Every word you typed came straight from my mind tonight and it has been 1 year, 9 months, 2 days. I don't know when it gets better or if it will get better. I am facing a very severe problem that a coworker/friend is also facing and I said the only difference is I don't have anyone to cry with, and she said you can cry on my shoulder anytime. NOT THE SAME THING... She still has her husband to cry with. People don't understand, but neither did we until we became a part of this awful club. One thing I didn't do before my husband got sick and died, was tell others that "I understand" or "I know how you feel". Hopefully your closest just let you talk without the advice. Other than my husband's mom, the rest of the family has moved on. But a sibling is not the same loss. My sister died 2 days after my husband, and i still haven't let her on my radar because the grief from losing my soul mate is too much to bare without adding more to it. At my support meeting, after I said that about my sister, this other widow said "I am so glad you said that. I have been feeling so guilty because my mom died 3 days before my husband, but her death disappeared when my husband died." I am pulling back from friends more now than I have been. I am working full time so I guess that counts for something because I took 1/2 year off work after mine died. When I get like I have been tonight, I watch the music video a friend made for the funeral. It is wrenching, but after watching it a couple of times, I seem to do better for the rest of the night. I too am lost, lonely, and don't feel life will ever be "alive" again. I am not suicidal, but I do look forward to the day I leave this earth to be with him again. And I do want it sooner than later. My brother's wife died 3 years before my husband, and he told me I would train myself to cry at certain times because of society's ignorance on grief, and he was right. I had a friend tell my daughter that in 3 total years it will be over. This is the kind of crap that makes me mad. You don't spend 26 years as in my case with a soul mate and just get over it in 3 years. I wish I could tell you it will be better in x amount of time, but everyone seems so different. I just found this site 3 days ago, and came to it tonight when i thought i couldn't make it another minute. so i hope you come back and let it all out. all other sites i have found seem to have a phony cheeriness to them so you don't feel comfortable being totally honest. I haven't quite picked up the total quote for this site, but it is something about one breath, one ?, one day. so so true. I hope just being among those that understand your pain helps you a little.

Aug 29, 2011
Echos
by: Zoe

They will never understand, ever
You get to the point where you have the external down so you can move through
How does it go fake it till you can make it
I don't like talking to people either
The thought of a group nauseates me I don't want to hear others pain I can't stand my own
That being said one of John's best friends is a therapist
He called me once a week just talking until I talked back
He does help
For me the fact that he knows John helped
There have been times where I have unloaded he listen
He helps because he doesn't tell me I have to get well or that I have to do anything that helps
No one is ever going to say anything to make
On this site we all understand but for each of us it is different
Each of us survive differently
But no matter what you do to survive know that is what you are doing
Surviving
We are always here for you
One step one breath one day at a time

Aug 29, 2011
The pain
by: jules

Please read this poem - it says all that you are trying to say, and all that you are feeling - my love died 22 months ago, and I still feel lonely and lost.
But I have made a new life for myself, I don't know how I am going to survive properly yet, but I will keep on going - I have to - he would expect me to - I have my children and grandchildren to live for -
Take heart that we are all int he same boat, it is pretty rocky at times, but there are life jackets around - grab hold of one and keep afloat.
every day - one step, one breath - take care
jules

SHIFTING SAND
My beloved has died - I'm
Frightened and hurt
Please don't get angry,
impatient or curt -
If I'm not progressing as
you think I should.
I'd love to snap out of it,
if only I could.

You see, we were a couple -
A team, you could say
always together, every day.
Now there's just me, alone
and scared.
Missing my loved one,
someone who cared.
There's a void in my life
and I'm full of despair
Long to be loved, but there
is no one there.

So, please don't get angry,
please understand
That I feel like I'm
drowning in shifting sand.

These words say it all don't they?

Aug 29, 2011
Pain
by: Judith in California

Yvonne, I too am in pain and it's normal to feel that way. We ache for the comfort of them being here even if we don't say a word to one another, we still had them to do so when we felt like it and they would listen. We still had them to kiss and hug and say I love you and be told we are loved back. We still had them to say goodnite and good morning to and feel them close to us,

We are now robbed forever of all of that and we are in pain. A pain so different from all other pain and only those who have lost their loves through death can ever understand it.

Those who tell us all the crap won't possibly GET IT until it happens to them and we certainly don't wish this kind of pain on our worst enemies.

We will get on the other side of this and will be better but only in time. We have to let grief take us where it must until then.

I pray to God for strength for us to get past this awful hurt that goes to the very core of us.

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