The passing of time and long term grief

by HH
(VA)

My birthday will be here in a few days. It reminds me of last year at this time. I was running, trying to run away from grief or at least try to escape it by going to Fla. On that day one year ago I was still angry, still in shock knowing that he was gone but not coping especially well. It was at that time 6 months since he passed away.

So here I am with my children visiting and all and all it is wonderful to see them. Yet when Pauls sister went back home and his/our daughter went to spend time with her mother it really sunk in. A family reunion without the very person that bound us together and made us a family.

We were a his mine and ours situation. We courted with children always near. We loved each other while raising our kids and trying to get a moment together. I would not trade what we had for the world, yet it is so quiet, too quiet. What would have been our golden years are my lonely moments.

As I try to adjust to life without Paul I have my moments small and treasured of happiness. Just enough so that I don't give up. But am I ready to "celebrate" a birthday the 2nd without him? I don't know... Part of me still wants to run away. But I know you can not run from grief or life and I need to face both.

It is such a long journey. I really somehow thought I would be done by now surely a year and a half, two come winter would be enough time. How much time does it take to accept the life we now lead? As always step by step and on a bad day which thankfully there are less and less of, One breath at a time. I still Love and Miss you My Love. I hope that you have found peace and that in time I will too.
Always...
Hope

Comments for The passing of time and long term grief

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Jul 05, 2011
I miss coming here...
by: Anonymous

My computer is down and I really miss being able to come on here and read of others emotions it seems to help me too. I miss being able to help others that helps my own grief. Today I am having an unexpected meltdown. trying not to self medicate on chocolate chip cookies and chips and dip.

I am at the library for directions to an apt tommorrow, and felt I needed to come here if no where else. I can figure out the weather by looking out the door but my strength lies within myself with the help and ears of those here who know that grief has its ups and downs.

My daughter and her boyfriend came to me to ask for her hand in marriage. It would have been done so by Paul or Paul and I and now it is just me. It is a lonely ride driving this big old ship called life alone. But as they say what does not destroy you only makes you stronger.

I hope so for me and all out there struggling with the new life that we now lead. My best to you in my absence of a computer...
HH

Jun 30, 2011
Passing of time and long term grief
by: M Mack

Hope,

If today is the day...Happy Birthday sweetie. We can get involved with all kinds of planning, visits, relatives, vacations and because our other half is not with us, the heartache never really goes away. If you think about it, everything we do, they were a part of what we were in our past and the "we" still lingers on. So we face the fact they are gone, and the reminders are always present. Its amazing how many situations we go through that we did together in the past and regardless of how painful they are, we survive. These are the things that change us to become who we are today. We learn, we grow, we grieve with pain that can be unbearable at times. I just went through the 11th month anniversary of Rays death remembering everything like it was yesterday. It was so hard and all I did was cry, why did he leave me. I read the memorial card called "Afterglow" and sending it your way:

I'd like the memory of me to be a happy one.
I'd like to leave an afterglow of smiles when day is done.
I'd like to leave an echo....whispering softly down the ways of happy times and
Laughing times and bright and sunny days.
I'd like the tears of those who grieve to dry before the sun of happy memories.
That I leave behind when day is done.

Happy Birthday and remember, we are always here for you. Take care, you're gonna be ok.

Jun 28, 2011
The passing of time and long term grief
by: jules

Hope - he is listening to you - believe that and hold onto it, tight.

I don't think we ever completely recover from grief, we just make a new life, always remembering the way it was. I think it will always be a part of who we are from now on. I believe it can't be any other way - not when you loved someone so dearly.

I am thinking of you at this time, and sending healing your way - every day - one step, one breath -
take care
jules

Jun 28, 2011
Long Term Grief
by: Judith in California

Hope, please know the Grief corner is always there for us to visit from time to time. That time is when we remember something about them, a special song, a favorite TV show, a place we used to go, a drive through town. Anything can put us in that corner and then we are crying and remembering more. And, by now, you know what all of us here know ,there is no time to stop, no set date. It's life long and we grieve less.

I have a friend whose husband passed 30 years ago and she still periodically cries for him.

How do we let go of the love we still have for them? How do we stop missing the We, the US, and learn to live as one? The silence of being alone is unbearable at times.

I wish you the best on your birthday and always. Here's to a less grieving year.

Jun 28, 2011
It Will Always Hurt
by: TrishJ

Hope~
I visited a good friend of mine over the weekend. I told her I feel like I'm trying to submerge a beach ball under water....it keeps popping up because of the air in it. I try to think about my love for Joe as the air in the beach ball. I can't submerge it. I can't keep it under the water. I'm exhausted from trying.
This is a long and tedious journey. Today I woke up feeling totally exhausted and lethargic. Just out of sorts. Yesterday was OK. Hopefully tomorrow will be OK. The problem is.....I want good. Not just OK.
I'm still searching for a way to handle my grief. I haven't had a lot of good results so far. I get angry at friends who want to "fix me up." How dare they be so insensitive. I guess they're trying to help.....or maybe it makes them uncomfortable...to have me around without a partner. I know I over think and over analyze everything. That's been a problem of mine my entire life.
When I get really low.....I turn to God. That's all that really seems to help. I seem to have clear level headed thinking for a few days...then I'm back to square one. Yeh......that thing called grief.
Happy Birthday Hope. I really hope it's a happy one. The yours, mine and ours thing is really great. It takes two very loving and intelligent adults to make that work. Be proud of yourself for what you've accomplished.
We will as always~
take it~
One breath, one step at a time~even in 10 years from now.

Jun 28, 2011
Passing time
by: Judy

Hope,

You and I are still neck and neck in this wretched grief. Your thoughts really echo what I have been thinking lately, about how I seem to be ok but I still miss Barry so deeply and don't seem to be able to parlay this "new life" into something that makes me happy and content.

I have done everything I "should do". I have stabilized my life financially, have a secure job, I have worked on my home to make it "mine", I have joined a new church, I have made financial decisions by myself, big and small, I have found a trustworthy mechanic, have a yard man, found a handy man and decided to stay in Florida until I can actually retire in hopes that the housing market will recover a little. I have even started eyeing new men a little. Bully for me. I'm "moving on". So why am I so lonesome and unhappy?

Grief never seems to go away. Is there anyone out there that can tell me if it ever goes away?
This is a dark and unsatisfactory life I'm living right now.

JM

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