the past six months

by russell
(plano teaxs)

march 9th 2014 i woke up at around 6 in the morning like i usually do. i had time before i need to go to work so i stayed in bed almost fell back asleep when the phone rang. it was my step mother. with a raspy and saddened voice she told me my father had shot himself the night before. that day was in slowmo from then on. i wasn't alone ,thank god, and i had a friend come get me to hang for the night. the next morning i get another call, this time from my cousin. grandmother had died earlier that morning. complications with Parkinson's. that weekend was happy and rough. one of the only times all five brothers and all cousins were together. im very happy about that.but at the same time it was the harsh reality of what suicide leaves behind. it was an empty house that smelt like leather and dust. myself and the two older brothers had to go thru dads things. which in its self was nice to get to know the father we could have had. our father was distant at best. former military and cowboy. he was a good soldier not much else. when he came back from the war , he wasn't the same. grandma went in love tho. a week before i saw her and she was still loving and happy to see us. after the weekend tho things got .... difficult. i couldnt paint or write. i quit my job got another. had fights with friends on the regular. i started most. started drinking . then locking my self away. a lot. then three months to the day. i got off work to get a call from my brother. our step mom had passed away due to something with her heart. this time i was the only brother of the old three and cousin to go. it was awkward. but healing. after that things got worse. i started crying at work. and as a waiter that's not good for tips. i got in more fights. friends stopped talking to me. and then i lost it for a bit. i attacked my church group for being cold . i was ready to walk away from the church and well everything. but a few friends calmed me done and we patched things up. then the beginning of august. i had to put the family dog down that we had scene i was 11. im 27 now. i was alone this time. and totally crushed. later in the week i found out a friend had died as well. scene then
(now sept 2014.) i have good days i have bad. and then i have those soul crushing moments were there feels like no return. i try to explain whats happening to my friends, but its had to put into words or paint. as an artist and a writer thats kinda messed up. well i think. some of the things my friends say piss me opff. im trying to work on my anger and not lash out. i dont understand how going thru this kind of experience makes me strong. im not strong. i escape when i can. haven't in a while. im trying to open up more about it. i feel lost and numb on the regular. like im just going thru the motions. im tired of hanging out and seeing others happy. i hold fast to the promises of god and know he is there. i hope and wish for him to hear my prayers. but he feels so far away. other than the few books and church and a new painting series, i don't know what else to do. i yearn for so much only to see empty hands.

Comments for the past six months

Click here to add your own comments

Sep 15, 2014
the past six months
by: Doreen UK

Russell you have been through so much loss in your life you haven' had time to process such loss before another takes place. You are angry and hurt and a difficult time to control one's anger. When I lost my husband to cancer I had a mountain of other things happening at the same time that made me angry with my son for lack of support. He lost his father, whilst I lost a husband and a difficult time for everyone. I lost my son for 2yrs. whilst he took off to nurse his wounds and in that time he had an operation to remove abbess and he nearly died in an accident. None of us plans to be angry. This gets triggered off by so many difficulties and it is so hard to get back on track.
You say you don't feel strong and you don't know how one can become stronger from tragedy.
I am a strong woman and only from the tragedies I have overcome in life with God's help.
We all have parts of our emotional make up and character that we don't like. WE don't know where to begin to make changes. It is through adversity that we change and this is God's way of shaping us and developing our character. You will keep on having tragedies in life and you wil keep on receiving God's help to make those changes that God sees interfering with your life. You can also go into counselling and explore why you are so frustrated and angry and even counselling has its strategies for helping change in one's life. I have done this for myself and it does work. I am a happier and more integrated person from life's tragedies. I have God in my life and He is in control of my life each and every day. I seek His guidance and Control over my life each day. Be patient with yourself. You will get your motivation back to paint and write and do those things you need to do. Invite God into your life in everything you do. You will get your life back in time. Just be patient with yourself and the changes in life.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Multiple Losses.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!