the past six months
march 9th 2014 i woke up at around 6 in the morning like i usually do. i had time before i need to go to work so i stayed in bed almost fell back asleep when the phone rang. it was my step mother. with a raspy and saddened voice she told me my father had shot himself the night before. that day was in slowmo from then on. i wasn't alone ,thank god, and i had a friend come get me to hang for the night. the next morning i get another call, this time from my cousin. grandmother had died earlier that morning. complications with Parkinson's. that weekend was happy and rough. one of the only times all five brothers and all cousins were together. im very happy about that.but at the same time it was the harsh reality of what suicide leaves behind. it was an empty house that smelt like leather and dust. myself and the two older brothers had to go thru dads things. which in its self was nice to get to know the father we could have had. our father was distant at best. former military and cowboy. he was a good soldier not much else. when he came back from the war , he wasn't the same. grandma went in love tho. a week before i saw her and she was still loving and happy to see us. after the weekend tho things got .... difficult. i couldnt paint or write. i quit my job got another. had fights with friends on the regular. i started most. started drinking . then locking my self away. a lot. then three months to the day. i got off work to get a call from my brother. our step mom had passed away due to something with her heart. this time i was the only brother of the old three and cousin to go. it was awkward. but healing. after that things got worse. i started crying at work. and as a waiter that's not good for tips. i got in more fights. friends stopped talking to me. and then i lost it for a bit. i attacked my church group for being cold . i was ready to walk away from the church and well everything. but a few friends calmed me done and we patched things up. then the beginning of august. i had to put the family dog down that we had scene i was 11. im 27 now. i was alone this time. and totally crushed. later in the week i found out a friend had died as well. scene then
(now sept 2014.) i have good days i have bad. and then i have those soul crushing moments were there feels like no return. i try to explain whats happening to my friends, but its had to put into words or paint. as an artist and a writer thats kinda messed up. well i think. some of the things my friends say piss me opff. im trying to work on my anger and not lash out. i dont understand how going thru this kind of experience makes me strong. im not strong. i escape when i can. haven't in a while. im trying to open up more about it. i feel lost and numb on the regular. like im just going thru the motions. im tired of hanging out and seeing others happy. i hold fast to the promises of god and know he is there. i hope and wish for him to hear my prayers. but he feels so far away. other than the few books and church and a new painting series, i don't know what else to do. i yearn for so much only to see empty hands.