The phone doesn't ring anymore

by Carol , Seans mom
(Bellingham, mass)

Tonight I went to plug in my phone to charge it. I thought of how I always plugged it in near my bed because alot of times my son would call early when he got out of work. He worked the overnight shift for the past few years. As I plugged it in I knew I could not sleep so I decided to write. This is Carol,Seans mom. Sean died on November 15,2011. I can't believe my life with him is over. It does not seem possible. As I write this I cry because life without him is sad and painful. I miss him so much and my time with him is just done. No notice, no warning, no anything, just done. He wasn't harming anyone, he went to sleep so he could work hard overnight and then I was meeting him to go with him to be tested for college classes. Sean had enrolled back into school. He had struggled with anxiety and was seeing a counselor. He was heading back to school. He wanted a future. He went to sleep. Why did he have to die? Why is life so cruel? I miss his phone calls and sometimes his texts. If we missed each others calls we would text because we assumed the other was tied up and then we called as soon as possible. I really dont know what to think about life anymore. What will happen next? I need to be strong for his two younger sisters but life without him is not normal. It is not OK. I am sure I am in a depression. How could I not be? My first born and only son is gone. As I write this I cant even believe it. I am numb. Why is Sean gone? He was my son who I loved so much and he just wanted a future. I dont get it. I really dont. I am forever heartbroken.

Comments for The phone doesn't ring anymore

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Apr 10, 2012
Miss you my sonD
by: Anonymous

Dear Carol
when i read your post I felt as though it were my feelings being reflected I feel sad for you I too lost my elder son on 24 Nov 2011.He was v close to me and wd call me even on small things we talked maybe 3-4 times in a day .sometimes he wd call me up at night also on some pretex MUMMY this happened in college or what dress to wear for party n we wd hav long discussions on merits n demerits of little trivia .A handsome 21 yr old doing his 2 yr engineering he was more of a friend than my son.I miss him terribly .I feel a wall has built around my heart and I find it difficult to respond to feelings and difficult to forgive people who made him end his life. Daily I miss his phonecalls .The phone does not ring for me anymore too........

Feb 25, 2012
They don't belong to this cruel world
by: Mila

Dear Carol,

My son died 6 years ago thru murder in the Philippines while having a 2 weeks holiday there. A hitman shot him 5 times and shocking to know is that, the wife premeditated the killing. She was jailed for 3 months, and the case was dismissed for lack of evidence. Our lives were all shattered, I have only 2 kids and he is my eldest, I thought I will never recover from pain and suffering, I thought it was the end of my life, No one can tell me everything is gonna be alright. I said to myself, who are they to tell me this,they are not in my position, they cannot feel my pain. Nobody could help me and my daughter. Not to forget the murder case we are facing that time. But only God helped us, through prayers, He thought us to forgive, and slowly eased the pain, it is still here, it won't disappear, but we learn to live with it. As the saying goes,"time heals all wounds". Our beloved child who died will always be here for us, they are not gone, only we cannot see them, but in time we will be with them. This is the only consolation we have. Until this time, we believe , in God's own time, we will have the justice we are asking for. And one day, I believe we will meet again. And this goes to all of us mothers , who lost our own beloved child that we bore for 9 months in our womb. God bless us all and we know our dear children are now in peace, no more pain, suffering and cruelty of this world, I believe they don't belong to this cruel world. They belong to heaven where angels and saints rejoice with our creator.

Feb 25, 2012
I dont know what to say.
by: Jackie Crisp

We lost our sons at about the same time. I know there is not anything ever I could say to help you. I could kick and scream and roll all over the floor with the sorrow I feel for your loss and it wouldnt do one darn bit of good. We could be surrounded by thousands of people and still have to go through the rest of our lives without our Son-shines. With that being said, going through it alone as far as grief is something we have to do on the inside, but you are the first person on the outside that has described my feelings almost exactly. My son Joel Bush died Dec. 30, 2011. My stages of grief are all over the place, but you know. The only thing is sometimes I get to feeling desperate, like I can beg someone or do something to bring him back. I talk to myself out-loud and seem kinda crazy at times even though I know I am not. I get scared people are going to forget him. I do not want that to happen. I like sharing these feelings with someone who knows. But I am so sorry that we were chosen for this loss. I am not ready to really deal with my guilt and feelings of remorse for woulda, coulda, shoulda's but I am glad to know you are here when I am ready. Thank you so much for being here!
Jackie

Feb 22, 2012
my son Brendon
by: vicky

Hi Carol,
you seem to be progressing the same as me, I just can't think of never seeing Brendon again, he was there then he was gone. He was the one child I always needed to help the most but the most indepentant of the kids, he loved life and always said live for today tomorrow you may be dead. I have seen a medium and she told me things about Brendon that she could never have known, she also said that they stay near us you have to open your mind to be able to see the signs, he may play a song or a light may flicker you just have to open your mind, I had my first dream about Brendon last night because I have opened my mind. I am reading a book by Allison Dubois at the moment called "We are their Heaven" it is amazing, if you believe or not.I was never a believer but I need to know that Brendon was happy where he is now, I've been to a grief group and that on;y made it seem worse, I also have a counciller I talk to and she helps, Brendon died on the 4th of dec and it really hurts but each day you make it through its a days closer you are getting to be with your son, I have some ok days now but always feel there is a black cloud following.

Feb 22, 2012
So Sorry
by: Anonymous

I feel your pain. I lost my only daughter. We had such a connection and talked frequently throughout the day For so long I still expected to hear her voice on the phone when I answered it.
It is so hard to realize that they will never call again.
I know it is too early to say this, but you will feel better--you may never stop missing him but you will manage to go on. Please just try to make it from day to day. My thoughts are with you.

Feb 22, 2012
Sean
by: Catherine K

Dear Carol. I am so sorry you are going through this. I have seen your posts a lot and know you are still suffering a lot.
I know how it feels as my daughter Stephanie died in November 2011. She would call me every morning to let me know how she was doing. She was sometimes not doing well and other days I was so happy when she felt a little better . I too miss those phone calls. Sometimes, she would call two or three times a day and now the phone seems silent except for friends calling every few days to see how I am doing.
Yes, life is very cruel and it is hard to go on. I am seeing a doctor for depression and anxiety and you should do the same. It is a terrible feeling and sometimes I think it will never go away. I lost my son in 1997 and it was awful but one day, I got up after about 5 or 6 months and said "ok, I am going to try to enjoy things a little today" and eventually, I could do things normally. Hopefully, that wil happen again to both of us.
You will never forget Sean. He loved you and try to go on to honor him. His spirit is near you and he is safe in Heaven.
Thinking of you and sending love and support and hoping it will help a little.
Love, Catherine

Feb 22, 2012
Nothing is The Same Anymore........
by: TrishJ

Carol,
It's so hard adjusting to our new lives. It's a daily struggle~a constant work in progress. Some days nothing seems right.
I went grocery shopping with a good friend of mine the other day and walking through the store I found myself seeing all the things my husband used to love. Things I didn't buy anymore because he isn't here. Every day I wake up without him. Some days it seems to get worse instead of better.
I feel like I'm climbing a mountain uphill most of the time. Somehow I think grief and depression go hand in hand. How can we not be depressed?
My heart breaks for you. The day you lost your son, November 15, is my son's birthday. I can only imagine how it breaks your heart to think about the things Sean missed out on. He was just beginning to live and to have him gone is just not right. How do we not question God?
If it helps at all please know that you are not alone. We care. All anyone can do is do our best. I keep thinking some day I'm just going to wake up and have a whole new attitude. I pray for that. We have to focus on what remains. Yes your daughters do need you. They are suffering too and need their mom desperately. Cling to Sean's memory and do something special for him to keep his memory alive.......always. It'll be very healing for you.
God bless.

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