A moment frozen in time. Desperation, hope and utter hopelessness. I look at a picture of the two of us taken before you left me, and that is what I see. I remember you keening when I stroked you, letting me know in the only way you could that you felt me there. I look at pictures taken before you left and the pain rips through me. I miss you so much. Every fiber of my being aches for you. How can this be, how can you be taken from me.
I read for the first time since you died some of the things you wrote to me. You were so romantic, so gentle, so caring. You were my knight in shining armor, I was better because of you. You fueled me, you inspired me, and you protected me.
We promised each other we would take care of each other. How could I have failed you more completely; there must have been something I could have done, something I missed? We were on the brink of having the life we dreamed of, we were happy. Of course, we were always happy, the smile, the wink, the squeeze of my hand, always letting me know how much you loved me. You told me once I was the one that plugged the holes left by others.
I would have spent the rest of my life righting the wrongs done to you. I loved you my whole life. I have this memory of when we were in college; we were backing out of parking spaces and for a moment you stopped and smiled and me, a smile from your heart, a smile from your soul. You were the one who used the term soul mate. I thought it, but never wanted to say it, thinking you would think I was being silly. However, you understood so much, you saw so much. How can I go through life without those eyes to guide me? How can I be strong when you are not here?
I am a mirror crashed into a thousand pieces, and the only reflection I have is the ghost of what I was, and a wisp of what I would have been, what we would have been. Because it was always us, together, a team. I cry at night screaming silently in anguish, I know no one wants to be bothered anymore. I know that it scares others since they do not know what to say. I was the fixer, now I am broken.
I guess the big difference is that, I know what others cannot understand. I cannot be fixed, not without you. Everyday it becomes more clear. I cannot do this without you.