The Pretender

by Sandy A
(Pennsylvania)

The Pretender

I am the pretender
I go places, I talk to people and on occasion I will smile
Its all for pretend because I know all the while
Inside my mind I am screaming how can I keep going on
How can I keep up this pretense knowing that you are gone
When I am alone the pretending ends
The tears fall and I cry out your name again and again
No one but the Lord up above knows what I am going through
And how painful it is living my life without you
I am the pretender

Comments for The Pretender

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Mar 07, 2013
Me too
by: Kate

Thank you Sandy for writing. You have expressed me in the loss of my son 3 months ago. What a hard journey this is to go on. Thank you.

Mar 03, 2012
So true
by: Deb

Thanks for sharing this. It so describes me right now. I was starting to feel like people might be looking at me and thinking how cold I was to not appear to be grieving, little they know that I cry all the way home and my heart is so heavy trying to hold it all in. I lost my 24 y/o son in an auto accident 3 1/2 months ago (Thanksgiving week). In public I keep going - alone, I fall apart. The pain is so deep and indescribable.

Feb 07, 2012
Iam a Pretender too
by: molly

Thank you for sharing your beautiful poem, this is exactly how I have been feeling the past 7 months since the death of my 16 year old son. I wake up each morning wondering why I am alive I go to work and wonder what am I doing there my first time in the grocery store I felt loss and confused. yet on the outside we feel we have to smile as we are being watched daily for signs of breakdown and being asked constantly "how are you doing today" this is the most un-believeable experience of my life because no-one really wants to hear how you are doing, how broken you are and how lost and empty so it's constant pretender and it scares me to think this will be my life now, because even if it gets a bit better it never ends until we do. I just hope the day will come that it will be easier like everyone seems to think...I send you blessings

Jul 19, 2011
reply
by: Sandy A

Thank you for the understanding - it will be 6 months for me and its been 4 months since I wrote that poem. The pain is still as real as is was then. I find if I try to block it out it doesnt hurt as bad - but thats only very temporary the mind takes over anyway and grief crashes down. Praying to God to help me accept the loss of my son and to try live with this never ending pain.

Jun 18, 2011
I thought that only I felt that way
by: Ginger

Wow, did your post hit home with me! I thought I was the only one who felt that that. I really feel like I'm two people, the one everyone sees (me acting normal) and the one I really am - the screaming, crying , crazy one.
I don't know how long you have been grieving, but I have for exactly 9 months today.
I pray that we both come to some kind of "balance" in our two worlds. I completely understand and send you hugs and prays (from both me's)
Be kind to yourself(s) and remember one step, one breath

Jun 17, 2011
Pretending
by: judith in California

Oh my dear Sandy, those of us who have gone before you with our losses fully know what you are going through. The total devastatingly heartbreaking, lost and alone feelings, the wish we could have them back just one more time feelings. The longing for US and hating to be a one. The being scared for our future feelings. Oh yes, we do understand.

I am sorry for your loss and wish I could hug you and reassure you that only as time goes by it will become better, not easier, but better.

It's been 9 months for me.

God bless you on your journey to peace and acceptance.

Don't forget to take are of you Sandy.

Jun 17, 2011
I Understand
by: Anonymous

I know your pain - I am sorry for your loss! I walk through the day with the same face - after the passing of my husband just three months ago. I so understand your pain.....

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