The Rambler

by Yvonne
(California)

I am sure that is what most of you are going to think of me because I seem to ramble on. Every time I post here I just want to say all of those things that no one else wants to hear. I have been told to get therapy. I have been told that I should move on. I have been told I should be over it. BUT HOW!!!

I lost Roger on July 19th 2010. It seems like only yesterday. All of the memories have come flooding back lately, He always took care of me and I always took care of him. The doctor said I had six months. I had a week. He was so animated that night. His sisters had come over and he was talking to them like old times. I wish they hadn't come because I wish I had him to myself that night. There was so much I wanted to say to him.

Our boys were visiting for the weekend and had left for the airport. My brother-in-law who is a doctor said he wouldn't make it through the night but I didn't believe him. Roger was tired but so awake and talking. The boys called from the airport and I told them what their uncle had said. They came right back. Roger's sister had left. and we all made a place in the living room to be near him. He didn't want to die in bed so I would be able to sleep there after he was gone. Hospice was coming the next day to set a bed up for him. He woke about 2 in the morning and we all got up with him. He layed back down, went to sleep and about 20 minutes later took his last breath.

I walked around in a fog for months, sometimes even thinking he would come through the door from work. But now I know he won't.

God I miss him so much, I love him with all of my heart. I need to talk to him. He was my rock. I could tell him anything and he would listen. Now no one listens. I could die Friday night and no one would know I was gone until I missed work on Monday.

How do you go on?
Sorry for rambling but I have no one else to say this to.

Comments for The Rambler

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Jun 27, 2011
Keep rambling
by: Judy

I get furious sometimes at people who say things like get over it and move on. They can get over it and move on!! I heard this in one variation or another over the last 18 months and always wanted to slap them. It's a sad but true fact that our culture is uncomfortable with grieving and try to avoid it if they can. That's why we widows retreat into silence around other people and why this site has saved so may of us from craziness. Ramble on as long and as often as you want here. We have all felt the same way or will feel the same way at one point or another. Really there is always someone who will understand perfectly what you are feeling. "moving along" in my "new life" has not stopped me from missing Barry or wanting him with me again as crazy as it sounds.

I also understand the feeling that you could die over the weekend and no one would notice. I have whole weekends go by that the only time the phone rings it's a telemarketer or the FOP looking for a donation. Sometimes I think I've dropped off the face of the earth. It is hard to make connections as a single person in a couples world.

Now I'm rambling! But I am in good company.

Hang on Yvonne, we'll make it.

JM

Jun 27, 2011
It's what we do
by: Zoe

It is what we do here we say the things that we cannot say anywhere else
But here you can
We get it
As far as getting over it people do not like to be around widows after that initial time
The do not understand our world has stopped while there's go forward like ours used to
The want us to be normal
Here's what u need to understand
You will never be the woman you were the day before you lost your beloved
You will never be their normal
You have seen that no matter how hard you fight or how deeply you love you cannot stop this pain and a life time of dreams and plans are an illusion lost in a doctors consultation room.
They don't want to know our truths.
You will have to find your life now your new normal
You will never loose the pain but it does change
You do what you need to do
We are here and we always listen
And remember
One breath one step one day at a time

Jun 26, 2011
Ears
by: Zoe

We are here to listen
We are here so you can say the things that you cannot dare say to another human
That is how this site helps us survive because we do understand we get it
Get over it I will never get over it never
I hear it I have blown up a couple of times at people who have said that to me including my daughter
I have said it before be selfish with your grief
It is the only way to survive
I have no idea how I inch through this
Just know we are here we listen and we understand
One breath one step one day at a time

Jun 26, 2011
You are important
by: Tina

You can still talk to him and he will listen. He does not want you to give up. He went to where you will go and he will be waiting for you. If you think no one will miss you, you are wrong. Dear Rambler- - I will miss you. I am Tina and I am in Chicago. I am in pain and I visit this site to help me with that pain because so many of us are experiencing this same pain. Stay around Dear Rambler to help me while I help you. Together we can make it through.

Jun 26, 2011
Your Loss
by: Anonymous

Yvonne, Whether it's your husband or your child you never get over it or really move on it's been 9 months since my son completed suicide at the age of 36yrs. old at the 5month mark my Pastor told me I needed to let go of him & I had the same question HOW? The people that say things like that have never lost someone they loved so deeply; pay no attention to their comments. Take as much time as you need, cry as much as you need & remember these people were and are a huge part of lives, you never move on or get over you learn to cope, you learn to function as the new you. My prayers are with you

Jun 26, 2011
Rambler
by: Annie

Yvonne. First of all, I don't think you are rambling and feel that everyone else on this site agrees with me. I lost my Clyde on December 21, 2010 and have experienced many ups and downs for the last six months. I was probably at the lowest I had ever been when I posted to this site last week. I received so many loving, encouraging and reassuring comments which helped me find my way out of the darkness. I am so lucky I have all of you and I know I can post anything and nobody will judge me. You do have people that will listen to you and that care about you. They are all on this site. So you are not alone. We are walking right beside you in this club called grief. I would like to leave you with a few sayings and poems I have come across that help me.

If you are hurting right now
And you cannot imagine that the pain will ever ease
Please know that it will
You are healing
Moment by moment
Hour by hour
And day by day
Hang in there
Be gentle with yourself
Remember, you are not alone

When we lose someone we love
We learn to trust somehow that a new life in a brighter place is just beginning now
A place of grace and peace and joy
Beyond all time and sorrow
Where loving hearts who part today
Will meet again tomorrow

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal
Love leaves a memory no one can steal

Keep coming back to this site Yvonne and as you call it "ramble" all you want. Everytime someone shares on this site, it is helping someone else.

Take care.

Jun 26, 2011
To Yvonne "The rambler"
by: Sue

Hello Yvonne. I just wanted to tell you that I am thinking of you. I lost my love three months ago and am still wandering around in a fog of longing for him. We were 42 years together and he died in my arms after a long, horrible, debilitating illness. Everyone says it is a blessing and he is in a better place and that I should be happy for him, but to be truthful, I just feel sorry for myself. I wasn't ready to let him go, selfish as that sounds. His lovely voice is gone for ever and his arms will never hug me again.

Your grieving is absolutely natural and you need to experience all of it so that you will be able to recover and become whole again. I don't know long it takes and its probably different for all of us but I do believe that you ( and I) will get through this somehow.
Sue.

Jun 26, 2011
Ramble on My Dear
by: Judith in California

Yvonne, Never let anyone tell you when it's time to be "over it". You tell them that you will do what you have to do when you have to do it and if that means cry everyday, every minute of it, then you will. That's what I tell people and I will until they get it. I'm tired of making excuses for them like "they haven't gone through it yet so how can they know?" The hell with them, it's time they learn some empathy and manners.

It's been 9 months for me and, while I am at peace with his passing, I still want him back , I still need to say things to him and I will love him forever even if another comes into my life. They will have to understand or I'll be alone.

Those of us who were caregivers until our loves end are very affected because we had to be the forgotten one due to putting all our energy towards the care of them. We never said " What about me", not once.

So ramble on Yvonne and by doing so you will heal and find peace.

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