The separation waiting to happen...
Hi, my name is Tina. I've recently ended a relationhsip that lasted for about 17 years. He was my first love. We started dating since I was 14 years old. We have 4 children together. I seem to be feeling better about my decision now, however, a few months ago, I thought I was going crazy.
I bottled up my emotions for many, many years that I did not know how to handle the grief. There were times where I was paralyzed by fear and anxiety. Looking back at the relationship I can see that it was mostly negative. I suffered from physical, emotional and mental abuse. My self-esteem and self-confidence were no longer existant. I allowed the abuse to happen for many years (deceit, cheating, lies, heartache, alcoholism, ect.) and I'm still working on forgiving myself for allowing this to happen.
The toughest part was letting go of the "dream" I had of having a happy and healthy family and relationship. I hung on to this person for so many years because I did not want to lose the dream I had, and I did not want to see my children suffer. Turns out they were likely suffering while I was with their father. I knew things were getting worse so I gave him the ultimatum to go to treatment.
While at treatment, I noticed he began to become distant from me & upon his release he chose not to return home, stating he needed some time to think about what he was going to do. So we left it at that, however, a few months later I found out he began a relationship with a female client who was also at the treatment center. This really did it for me.
I wasn't surprised of course because he was the type of person to do this. Since then, he's been playing these mind games with me, trying to come back and at one point we tried to reconcile but it didn't last too long (I just could not feel right with him anymore) so I chose to split from him. It's been a rollercoaster since then.
I've been separated from him since the end of April 2009, but I feel I'm getting better. I found out so much about myself since leaving this relationship, but there are some days where I still miss the person I wanted him to be, not the person he was. (the dream). My kids seem to be doing well. I've joined an Al-Anon group and a Grief Workshop group and they seem to be working well.
I speak to my chuildren about why this had to happen (alcoholism) and they seem to be doing well, but they admit they still miss their dad, which is normal part of grief. I have chosen to forgive their father and let go, but there are days where I still feel the emotions (grief, anger, sadness, loneliness) but I understand that I have to be patient with myself as I am grieving. I've learned so much about the alcoholic because he was giving me a hard time with financial support and time with his children, which has made the process more manageable.
When I have my moments of hurt, anger, ect. I allow myself to forgive him by reminding myself that it's his stuff, it is the only way he knows how to deal with what he has at the time and it's not about me, it's about him. A prayer to my higher power always helps too, if the burden becomes too heavy I give it to my higher power to take care of and it works.
I really have no hard feelings towards my ex parter. I am adjusting to the way he chooses to deal with things and don't expect much of him anymore (disease of alcoholism). As for me, I've grown alot over the past 5 months. My self-esteem and self-confidence have improved, I try new things without fear, I allow myself to grieve and not try to associate it with anything else.
I've reached out to my friends, family and local support groups, I am more invovled with my children's daily acitivities and sports, I TRUST & BELIEVE in myself more than ever before, I have FAITH & HOPE in life and my higher power and I LOVE MYSELF for finally making this decision. I still have the dream of one day having a happy and healthy relationship with my children and the lucky guy who wins my heart. Amen.