The shell on the outside

by jules
(Boonah, Qld, Australia)

That is what I feel like most of the time, as if I have a hard outer shell, but inside I am marshmallow - I can only hope I am strong enough to survive, I think I am, I know that John would believe that I am, so I will be -

I will miss him for the rest of my life, we were together 42 years, I loved him from the first moment I saw him, we had a love and a passion for each other that never changed - he only had to give me "that look" - anywhere, in the middle of a crowded room, at dinner or wherever, - and we would make our goodbyes and head home- just for us to be together.

We were total opposites in a lot of ways, I am a very "out there" person, he was quiet, reserved, but he had a quirky sense of humour - and I loved him with all my heart.

The passion is one of the things I am missing most, it is what wakes me up in the early hours of the morning, with my whole being vibrating from wanting him so much.

Sometimes I feel as if someone has sat on my bed, or stroked my face - and I wake up expecting John to be there, and I get so sad when I realise that he's not.

But I know he would not expect me to wallow in misery, he would be disappointed if I changed, so I can go out with friends and have fun, and laugh, I have always loved to laugh and make other people laugh, I will always know he is there saying "just go for it" - he will keep me safe, as he always did. I carry a small amount of his ashes with me always in a locket around my neck, and I talk to him all the time.

I will always love him, he was and is the love of my life, he gave me two beautiful children, who in turn have given me five terrific grandchildren, my ten year old twin grandsons come to my house, pick up grandads ashes in their box and talk to him all the time, my 16 year old grandson likes to stay at my place, and If I'm not there he will sleep in my bed so he can talk to his grandad - I love that they are so natural about death, and that hey can still show their love for him. And I know he is always around them, he plays tricks in their room, making the lights fade in and out and change colour, they love it.

I was just wondering if I could add a photo of John, when I realised that in the last six months of our travels, every photo of John that I took - he had his back to me and was walking away.

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