The sudden death of my Sean Patrick has rocked my world

by Carol , Seans mom
(Bellingham, mass)

Hello, It is Carol,Seans mom. I have written alot before.My hansome 24 year old son died suddenly on November 15,2011. Well it was November 13,2011 when he did not get up for work so really that was the last day I talked to him. He never regained contiousness. We never got to say goodbye and know he heard us. We never got to tell him one more time how much we love him. Sean's death has rocked my world. I do try my best to be a good mom to his two younger sisters. They struggle also. His dad and I aren't together but I know he struggles to. None of us can even believe it over six months later. I keep hoping I will wake up from this nightmare. Reactions from others has been shocking. So many supporters at the beginning and then it as if life went on for everyone and thats ok but they all just think we are ok also. That will never be. How do you lose part of who you are and be ok. I lived to be a mom. It was what I always wanted to do. Now one third of my life is gone. Just gone. No notice. Then life expects us to just go on and be ok. I go to work. I do what I need to for my girls. I am now a very tired weak 49 year old woman. I was once happy positive and I believed anything was possible. I taught my children that being positive was important. If you are positive ,good things will come. Well that did not work out well for my life. I am left with a crushed heart and a huge hole in my soul. These days I am searching for some peace. I try to believe after we die our bodies and mind are at peace. I wonder if I am doing that just to try to feel better and even if that is the case,ok,I need to feel a litte better. I struggle with watching others be happy. That use to be me. I can't stand when people complain about their children, Wish I could. My perspective on life has changed. I hope I can keep on my brave face for my girls. They are good girls who deserved their strong mom. Why are some of us put threw such hell? Why? I ask that all the time now. I miss my son more than their are words. I miss everything about him. I can't believe in the blink of an eye he is gone and never coming back. Is he ok? I worry everyday about him. I can't believe I have to miss my hansome young man for the rest of my life. This feeling is very dark. I hope someday my mind and heart find some peace. How can I though when my beautiful boy was taken with no notice and I didn't even get that last Goodbye.!

Comments for The sudden death of my Sean Patrick has rocked my world

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Feb 24, 2013
I feel for you
by: Michelle

My 23 year old son was taken from us just 5 weeks ago, also my birthday....I feel and hear what you write and am thinking and feeling those very same emotions...I just don't see how life will ever be normal again (whatever that means) and feel like I am inside a TV box as an extra and just watching life but not as I know it or not wanting to be part of it :(

I have 2 older sons and a husband that I know I must work harder for as they all need me, so I share your heartache...I wish for us all that we could sake up from these nightmares, but we have no choice but to learn to adapt...and wrap ourselves up in the beautiful time we did have by holding onto those memories.

I wish you all the best and hope we all can heal in time

Aug 06, 2012
My son Michael
by: Linda Anderson

Im so sorry for your loss and everyones.I also lost my handsome beautiful son Michael Roy Anderson.He came home from college for fall break and to celabrate his 20th birthday with us.He passed away from a heart disease we had no idea he had Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.He was so healthy.It will be 2 years in October and im not doing good at all.This is a nightmare.I want my baby boy back.I want my life back.

Jun 29, 2012
Forever Broken
by: Patti

I too lost my old my son 10/10/11; his name is/was Robert "Robby" to most everyone. He was killed in an automobile accident. He was the only person in the accident even injured. He was driving alone and for some reason crossed the median and was hit by a semi truck and trailer head on. He was completely clean and I have proof because they ran toxicology. I luckily, for lack of a better word, did get to see him 30 minutes before he was killed. Unfortunately, I never even fathomed that would be the last time I would ever would get to see the happiest handsome young man that I was so blessed to call my oldest son. When I left him at Wal-Mart that day I was giving him instructions on when to call me by if he was coming out that night. We casually waved good-bye. We were both in a hurry so no hug, no I love you. Just a see you later, but that later still hasn't come almost 9 months later. I have another son who so deserves to have his whole happy strong mother back, I feel like half of me is gone. Broken in two; hopefully not forever. My sons were son different they are/were both like me, but in completely different ways. My Robby was charismatic, always smiling, fun loving, smart very popular young man. I always called Robby my wild man. My Anthony is a serious, smart, laid back, quiet, thinker who is happy as long as he can be on the farm or go fishing, or hunting.
I try to put on a brave face. My husband is a wonderful man, but who helps a lot to help fill in the slots that of times that I use to have no problem being happy to do, but I hate feeling like half of me has died and hardly a minute goes by that at least grieving thought about Robby goes by. I miss him so much. People tell me eventually those thoughts will be happy thoughts about my Robby. I pray that they are right, but right now I still struggle everyday. I know my husband who is Robby's adopted father since we married when Robby was 4 years old, and my 14 year old Anthony have both got their own grieving to do, and that I need to be a whole happy wife and mother for them. Most of the time I just feel like I'm just going through the motions, because half of me is gone. I still love them as much as I ever did and don't want to make them hurt anymore. I want to be strong again so I can be there for them, not worrying if they can see my eyes are puffy because I'm still crying in the bathroom.

Jun 08, 2012
Waves of Emotion
by: Sally

My heartfelt sympathy to all of you. I too am grieving the sudden death of my 28 year old son, Ryan. He died 6 months ago (Dec. 4,2011).

Jun 04, 2012
10 months for me
by: Molly (Quinns Mom)

Hi Carol,
I like you have posted here several times. I can feel your pain with every letter that you write because it is my pain too. My son Quinn died suddenly while at basketball camp. He was far away from me so I didn't get to see him until he came back on the plane and he was hard and not my soft sweet warm son that I let go away to a wonderful trip only a week or so ago. Quinn went to that camp and turned to catch the ball and just collapsed and died that was July 18,2011. I just don't know when I will believe this. He was beautiful, loving, fun, kind, and just a wonderful young man. People called him the gentle giant, because eventhough he was 6"5 he had such a kind heart. He could do so many things I just don't know why someone with so much potential should lose his life. I just can't stop saying why him why not me. Unlike you Quinn was my only child and everything to me. I want to share this pome that I wrote for Quinn. I have been doing that alot it helps me to calm down.

what to write?
what to say, now that you have gone away
no words, no words, to express this loss
to understand this pain.

left alone, left broken
left with no dreams and no tomorrows
life is going on, each day I have to face the sun
each nite I must face the dark just to wake without you no-where to be found

never to be seen by day never to be seen by nite
never to smile and show your beautiful pearly whites.
never to hold never to kiss never to share how my day went.

nothing to say, words dont exsist to explain the ache, the pain, the longing of my heart

no words, no words,
simply no words.

Carol I wanted you to know that I feel you I understand your pain. I am trying everyday to find ways to deal with this, for me the best option would be to just not live too long and be with my son. Thats what I pray everyday, because for me I feel there is nothing else I need to exprence in this life I just want to be with Quinn. The only thing stopping me from ending it is my believe that he is with God and I will be with him soon. I suggest that you go to a medium if you haven't yet it does give you some hope. Please email me if you want to talk my best wishes and prayers are with you and your family.

Jun 04, 2012
Poem for Sean Patrick's Mom
by: Catherine


I am home in Heaven dear ones
Oh, so happy and so bright!
There is perfecy joy and beauty
In this everlasting light.

All the pain and grief is over
Every restless tossing past
I am now at peace forever
Safely home in Heaven at last

Did you wonder I so calmly
Trod the valley of the shade?
Oh! but Jesus love illumined
Every dark and fearful glade

And he came Himself to meet me
In that way so hard to tread
And with Jesus arm to lean on
Could I have one doubt or dread?

Then you must not grieve so sorely
For I love you dearly still
Try to look beyond earth's shadows
Pray to trust our Father's Will

There is work still waiting for you
So you must not idly stand
Do it now while life remaineth
You shall rest in Jesus land

When that work is all completed
He will gently call you Home
Oh the rapture of that meeting
Oh the joy to see you come.


Perhaps there is something we can do to help others in our childrens' name.
I hope this comforts you a little and other mothers who have lost a child.

Love, Cathy

Jun 03, 2012
Maggie's mom
by: MJ

Oh Carol. My daughter Maggie, died 2 weeks ago after 2 days in a coma, close to brain death. I like to believe she could hear and feel all her family and friends around.
I also like to believe she's safe, wrapped in God's love. I feel as though I no longer need to worry about her.
I miss her so bad, my heart hurts, everything hurts.
It's hard to be positive, and not just roll up in the fetal position forever.
Keep at it - my prayers are with you and all the other moms feeling this pain.

Jun 03, 2012
Sean Patrick
by: Catherine

Dear Carol,
You have not been forgotten. I have read youur posts and am so sorry for what you are going through. I am one of the few who can understand having lost my beautiful daughter Stephanie on the same day that you lost Sean. I also lost my son Stephen (26 yrs old) in 1997 I know every day is a struggle. You wake up in the morning and remember that they are not coming back and it is unbearable. I can tell you that in time it does get a little easier but 1997 is a long time ago and I still look at Stephen's picture and can't believe he is gone but the pain is not quite so bad and I got back into life again after about a year.
With Stephanie's death being only 6 months ago I am still depressed and the void in my heart, just like yours is there and the sadness has changed me too. The world is not the same anymore but I hope for both of us it will get better. Try to remember that Sean is safe in God's arms and He will take care of him for you. I am not really a religious person but I do believe God is there for them.
I will continue to think about you and hope you feel a little better soon. We have to go on for our other children. I only have one left now and I have to think about her in the dark moments.
Take care of yourself and you are not forgotten.
I am going to send you a poem which I have framed and helped me after my son's death.
Love, Cathy

Jun 03, 2012
Your son Sean Patrick
by: Debi M.

Carol - I am so very sorry for your loss. Your story really touched my heart. I wish you comfort and strength.

Debi M.

Jun 03, 2012
Be Strong
by: CFT

I read a quote that fits us moms who have lost a child. "You never know how Strong
you are...Until Being Strong
is the Only choice you have.

I too lost my youngest son April 2011. It is a living hell. I feel the same way that you do. Everyday I ask "Why", he was such a wonderful person, "Why" we will never get the answer. So, I try not to go there as much, because it just brings up so much pain. The one thing that keeps me going is knowing that my son is okay, he is with me and when it is my time to go I WILL BE WITH HIM AGAIN. I also realize that as much as I would rather leave now and be with him I have another son and a wonderful husband that I need to be here for.
Yes, we will never be that happy, the world is a wonderful place person that we use to be. But that does not mean we can't have some good moments in our life. I try to find or think of one positive thing a day, and most times it is that I had the choice to be a mom to my wonderful son , I was so blessed to have him in my life. I am learning so much from him now that he is gone, the way he lived his life, the way he treated people and especially the people he loved, unconditionally. I miss my son with every cell in my body and will until I take my last breath.
I hope you can try to find a bit of joy and peace eventually. We are on a lifelong journey, that only we can travel on our own and at our own pace and hopefully find some help from others who know our pain. I have found a very special friend from this website that helps me everyday. Perhaps you will too.
Take care of yourself and try to just live in the moment , don't look to far ahead, that is very overwhelming.
Hang in, that is all we can do

Jun 03, 2012
Exaclty the same
by: Sandy A

Hi Carol - reading your words are reading my own story. It has been 16 months since my 28yr old son ryan passed. I can tell you that the feeling of everything going on around you while you are stuck in this time warp of greif does not change, at least it has not for me. I still feel as if the world is going on by and I just want to scream can't you see how devasted I am ! Why won't anyone mention his name - as time goes on the less and less people talk about him, I want people to talk about him. Carol I hate this journey we are on. I pray to God for peace in my heart and more days than not I can get through better than I use to. I don't cry as much as I use to, but the tears are always just a blink away. I know how much you miss your son, I never got a chance to say goodbye either. He went out one night and I never saw him again. I am thankful i found this place - keep posting.........

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