The sudden loss of my beautiful Mom
(Winchester, VA USA)
I just lost my mother a week and a half ago to sudden cardiac arrest and knowing that I put off calling her the night she died has just traumatized me! I can't begin to sit here and tell you I spent everyday with her or talked to her everyday like everyone else because the truth is I didn't! She was in the beginning stages of vascular dementia and she ruminated over the same issues when I did talk to her. I resolved to call her once a week and how could I have limited myself to that? How could I ever look at it being a "chore" to call my Mom and listen to her repeat herself over and over about the same things? It shouldn't have mattered and when I talked to her on the phone, it didn't....I let her talk and I listened. But it wasn't enough!! I had resolved to visit her twice a month as she didn't live that far from me and I did not get the chance to even begin! I am a nurse and I couldn't take care of her because I was always so busy and she was always so stubborn..I should have insisted. I should have called the day of her death when I told myself to, but decided to put it off for another day. I am so ashamed of my actions and I just can't get it off my mind! Everyone is talking how their mom's have died of cancer (she was actually a breast cancer survivor and her healthy attitude made her beat it!) and I keep thinking that would have allowed me to tell her how much I loved her instead of her suddenly passing and I didn't get to tell her nearly enough!! I believe in God and I know she did too, although she wasn't religious and I worry if she made into heaven....silly, I know, but I can't help it! I have never felt such enormous grief and hollowness in my life! I am in utter shock! She could have had another 5-10 years (she was 78) if she had just taken her pills, if I'd just been a little more active in taking her to the doctors, if she'd had stayed in California (where she didn't want to be) and stayed thin and healthy thanks to my sister. I let her do what she wanted and live how she wanted cause she suffered so much in all other areas of her life and now I realize too late that was such a mistake! I only pray she forgives me for letting her down! I don't know how to move forward! I am totally lost! I mean everyone knows death is imminent, but I just never dreamed!! I didn't get to speak to her on her last day and I just can't get that out of my head! She lived with her boyfriend, but she was alone in their bedroom when she died. I just cannot believe it..the finality is so overwhelming. I don't know what to do!?!?