The Sun does shine.....still.

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The Sun does shine.....still.

by Jessica Herrmann
(Chester, Vt)

I have written many notes, stories, pain, and now a sense of order on this site. This will be my 2nd Christmas without John. My wonderful husband of 14 years. He was called to GOD on May 13th 2009. It was sudden, and so unexpected. Massive Blood Clot that took out his heart, I unfortunately had to make the choice of keeping him on the machines, or letting him go.

For a very long time I had questions...."did I let him go too soon?" "Did he just need more time to fight?" and many other questions. But, I have to say, I have sat and thought many nights...along with crying my eyes out. John would have never come out of the issues he was having. His body was shutting down, he was on 100% life support at the end. I could not and would not ask him to stay for me. His quality of life was not going to be much, so why ask him? HE would have hated me, for asking him to stay in that condition.

He never was a man who like loafing around the house, he was old school. A man worked to take care of his family. There were no excuses. There is comfort in this revalation. I did right by John...I gave him to GOD and peace. I did not stop the life support for anyone but him. I can say that with certainty.....almost 19 months later. Yes, there is pain, there always will be I believe, until the day we meet again. But there will be that day.

Until then, I will live life, I will laugh, I will love again. In time. I will honor him by moving on and living my life. That is what he would want, and that is what he taught me. So, for all of you that are just beginning. There is a reason....I know your pain. I know your despair...but live with their love in your heart, because that will NEVER leave you.

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The Sun does shine.....still.

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Pat J
by: Jessica

Pat....
My dear person. Do not push the process....I could not deal with the thought of what I had to do for a long time.....when those thoughts come to you and you push them down, well right now, that is good. I wont even begin to tell you when the time will come that you will not push them away. For everyone deals with this their own way in their own time. There is no set limit on this process, even though some think there should be. It doesn't work that way.

For me, even now, I have those times where the thoughts come, and I push them away. I will deal with them when I am ready, Unfortunately, that doesn't always work, they will be dealt with when your mind and body feel it is time. Not when you think it is time. I am told by some people that I should not still think of John, Now I laugh at them, before I would think they were right. And I feel sorrow for them, because when they tell me that, it means that they have not loved deeply enough to know what I had with him, what we were. And what we still are. He is not here in body, but he is here in soul. That I have no doubt....He has helped me many times since his death. I would like to give you my personal email, and to anyone out there that would like to talk.....ravenschance@yahoo.com We are in this together. Rest easy....it does get better.

Turning the Macine OFF
by: Pat J

I just lost my husband 3 weeks ago tomorrow to heart disease. He was on the transplant list but it wasn't God's will. I too have to make the decision to turn off his life line. His organ's were all starting to fail. My husband sounds like your husband. He couldn't sit still. Always wanted to go, go, go. I know there would have been no quality of life for him but I am struggling with the same thing. It was my decision to turn off the machine. As soon as the idea pops into my head I immediately dismiss it. I know I shouldn't do that. I have to get through those thoughts and actually process them. I know there wasn't anything else that could've been done. God called him home.
Thank you for your beautiful comments. I am taking one day at a time (some days one hour at a time). I pray daily for strength and comfort. Today you were the answer to my prayers.

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The Sun does shine.....still.

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The Sun does shine.....still.