The Ticking of the Clock
When I was a child I would watch the clock on special days and listen to the ticking, knowing that something was coming. Of course when I was a child it was Christmas or a birthday coming, something, good.
Now I hear the ticking, of the clock, and I look at the calendar. In nine days it will be two years. As I tick down these last days, I am remembering exactly where I was and what I was doing, We were still talking, we had made plans with hospice, I was getting ready to go back to Maryland to close up the last of my office. So today we sat and I fixed your lunch and your dinner. I watched you fight to stay awake, because you did not want to sleep while I was there. You kept asking me why is this happening, why can’t we just be together. I just touched your face and said I don’t know baby. But we are going to go to treatment, and we are going to go on walks, and we are going to look into homeopathic treatments. We are going to fight. You kept telling me how you were going to fight, you did not want to give up. You also broached the fact that you might need a hospital type bed, and maybe you would have to be in the guest room. I remember popping off that you would not sleep in the guestroom, we would get one of those moving beds and you would be with me in the bed. I remember that smile, that wonderful smile that had gotten you out of SOOOO much trouble in the past, and you said, you don’t want me in the guestroom? But baby, this could get rough toward the end. I said, well gee who was it going to be rough with, of course it would be with me, and I want you with me. You smiled so big. You were so happy that we would be in the same bed, in the same room until the end.
Little did I know.
Nine days, and counting.
I love you John, I cannot do this without you, I don’t want to.
One step, one breath, one day at a time.