The Toy Chest

Apr 01, 2008

Reality Testing Might Help
by: Jennie

Oh, Gosh, what a tragic story...

The older brother is angry that his little brother died, and he is making the other brother a scapegoat, a target for all that anger. Initially, this is understandable, and may be tolerated in the heat of the disaster. But eventually, the older brother must be made to see that this was only a tragic random accident, not the result of malicious intention.

He will destroy the surviving brother's life, (and perhaps his own) if he cannot eventually learn to dissipate his anger and forgive his brother for this innocent although tragic mistake.

Usually, in bereavement cases where there is a significant element of guilt present, it can help the people involved to "reality test" the situation.

In other words, to look carefully and realistically at where the blame and guilt should really lie.

In this case, it would go something like this:

"But he shouldn't have fallen asleep on the toy chest!"

Reality testing:
--"Did he mean for Matthew to get trapped"?
--"Did he mean harm to come to his brother?"
--"Should he really be deemed guilty for his brother's death?"

Adults are usually capable of implementing and benefiting from reality testing. But children can be emotionally irrational about such things, and might not be mature enough to "see the logic". You might try this technique on the boy. Maybe if he realizes he could stand to lose his second brother, too, he can come to some forgiveness and compassion.

I know you really care and want to help, but I really think professional counseling might be necessary... for the entire family.

Before it is too late.

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Apr 01, 2008
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Submitted by: Jennie

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Oh, Gosh, what a tragic story... The older brother is angry that his little brother died, and he is making the other brother a scapegoat, a target for all that anger. Initially, this is understandable, and may be tolerated in the heat of the disaster. But eventually, the older brother must be made to see that this was only a tragic random accident, not the result of malicious intention. He will destroy the surviving brother's life, (and perhaps his own) if he cannot eventually learn to dissipate his anger and forgive his brother for this innocent although tragic mistake. Usually, in bereavement cases where there is a significant element of guilt present, it can help the people involved to "reality test" the situation. In other words, to look carefully and realistically at where the blame and guilt should really lie. In this case, it would go something like this: "But he shouldn't have fallen asleep on the toy chest!" Reality testing: --"Did he mean for Matthew to get trapped"? --"Did he mean harm to come to his brother?" --"Should he really be deemed guilty for his brother's death?" Adults are usually capable of implementing and benefiting from reality testing. But children can be emotionally irrational about such things, and might not be mature enough to "see the logic". You might try this technique on the boy. Maybe if he realizes he could stand to lose his second brother, too, he can come to some forgiveness and compassion. I know you really care and want to help, but I really think professional counseling might be necessary... for the entire family. Before it is too late.

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