THE VIEW FROM HERE
(now in Melbourne FL)
My Barry has been gone for 3 years, 3 months.
I guess most people would say I'm doing okay. I handled all the tough financial stuff, sold my house, dealt with the short sale, traded my car in on a newer one that will last me as long as I am driving. I moved to a more economically reasonable rented home. I downsized-that was easy it's just things. I talked with the investment advisors and made some money changes toward retirement. I am making plans to return home to CA in January 2014. How I'll survive there financially I don't know but I am making the best plans I can and proceeding on a wing and a prayer. I've got it together, right?
Wrong. Actually I am living my life in a void of emptiness. I miss Barry everyday. Everyday that goes by without someone to love me, tell me we can deal with it together, sympathize when the day is rotten, act as my sounding board is throwing me deeper into a funk. I find myself not interested in work, the stress there is non-stop I am just biding my time until I can reach full retirement age and leave. I have not been able to make new friends I just don't care enough to make the effort. I'm a fat girl, maybe I am still afraid of rejection. Now I am beginning to have some health issues which terrify me to face alone. I don't know how to function in life without a partner to lean on sometimes.
Is this what WIDOW means? Living an empty life. Always marshaling your inner forces to face something alone. Walking along in an invisible shield to keep things away so I don't get more hurt flung at me. This isn't the life I want. When will I stop missing him? When will life look appealing to me again?
I know this is depression I am on medication now. Somehow I have to believe that life will have some purpose again. Can anyone tell me how that happens?