The worst August of my life

by Courtney

Haldan 08/04/82 - 08/10/12

Haldan 08/04/82 - 08/10/12

Haldan 08/04/82 - 08/10/12
Uncle Fish 04/08/52 - 08/27/12

August 2012 started off relatively normal in my life - just home from our annual trip to the family cabin I was getting back into a daily routine with my 22 month old daughter. On Friday August 10, I got a text message and phone call that would just be the beginning of a month that would change me forever. My best friend Jackie text me saying "Is what I hear true?" I replied back with a simple "?" because I had no idea what she was talking about. She told me she would phone me and within 35 seconds my house phone was ringing. I answered the phone while I was stretching, and she instantly thought I was crying. I explained that I was just stretching and she told me to sit down. I asked what was wrong and she replied "Hunny, Haldan is dead." Haldan was my high school "boyfriend" and my first love. I always knew Haldan had a drinking problem, that was not something he tried to hide and it was a contributing factor to why we finally said no more after 5 years of being together off and on. I immediately went into shock, and started screaming into the phone asking what was wrong. "He took his own life" she replied.
Dealing with Haldan's death was hard enough, let alone the fact that it was suicide. I have dealt with suicide too much in my 24 years of life - two of my best friends brothers, my babysitter, the star hockey player in my small town and my own father. Haldan always told me that even though he never knew my dad, he hated him for doing that to me and my mom. It made dealing with Haldan's death almost unbearable.
On the 15th, my mom, Jackie and I headed to Haldan's hometown for his memorial service. It was the first time our exclusive group of friends had all been together since high school, and it was to celebrate a friends life and legacy. After many laughs and hugs and tears I ran into my Uncle Fish, he had been married to my aunt for 7 years but they were now separated, whom I hadn't seen in 3 years. After the best hug that I received all day I told Uncle Fish we needed to keep in better touch, he agreed and Mom and I headed back home.
12 days later, on August 27th my mom came to my house before 9am. When I opened the door, I was shocked to see my mom standing there crying. I had to ask multiple times what was wrong and the words that followed out of her mouth dropped me to my knees. "Fish killed himself last night." It was the morning that Haldan died all over again. I was screaming and shaking uncontrollably and ended up getting sick to my stomach. My heart broke for myself, and my family, but also for Haldan's family. Fish and Haldan's dad were very good friends, and Haldan used to work for Uncle Fish at one point - in fact when Haldan and I started to see each other the very first time he asked my Uncle Fish's permission, because he didn't want to make him mad.
In 17 days, I lost two people who meant the world to me. Two people who I loved with all my heart. When I heard Uncle Fish was gone, I just wanted to run to Haldan but I couldn't. I'd give the world to have them both back, words can't even describe how my heart has felt the last three weeks.
RIP Haldan and RIP Uncle Dale ; I love you both more than you will ever know. Until we meet again.

Comments for The worst August of my life

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Aug 30, 2012
the worst August of my life
by: Doreen U.K.

Courtney I am sorry for your loss of Haldan, Fish, your father, and for all the other losses in your life to SUICIDE. You should seriously consider Bereavement Counselling. This is a MUST when there has been a death by SUICIDE. You have experienced Loss to Multiple Suicides. I feel it is near impossible to handle this type of death all alone. It is a TRAGEDY. It is also a sudden death and this type of death affects the Grief. I lost my nephew to suicide. He threw himself in front of an express train. It nearly destroyed my sister, and us as a family. My sister needed a grief counsellor to visit her at home to give her support. We thought she would never recover from the loss of her 30yr. old son. My sister has recovered enough to be her old happy self. She will always have moments of suffering and pain. She will always have the scars. She is going on to help others in Grief. I have been at such a low point in my life when I have tried to end my life because the Pain was too much. I didn't want to try suicide. But I couldn't bear the pain. I went into counselling. I found the right counsellor. I got my life back. I also suffered bad depression which didn't help. My nephew who committed suicide suffered severe depression. probably a number one cause of suicide is from depression. You are so young to have experienced such a lot of tragedy in your life. You have to make yourself a PRIORITY to look after your Grief. Pain. and to get the right support so the days ahead are more manageable. It is going to take a long time to recover from this. But it is possible. You will get past the pain and loss in time. Just don't suffer alone.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. marriage to cancer 4 months ago. I have good support of my 3 sisters and their husbands. Without this I would not be able to cope.

Aug 30, 2012
I feel your pain.....
by: Mary E

Hello, I read your story and I feel your pain too, I also loss my son last Nov. 2011. All I can say is to keep his memory alive by the positive things he did while he was on this earth. God Bless you and your family.

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