The worst day of my life, the day my Dad died

by Regina
(Babylon, ny)

My Dad died suddenly on Dec 4 2012. I can’t believe it has been over a month because sometimes the pain feels like it was yesterday. He was 64 and I’m 28. He had a heart attack in March 2012 which led to open heart surgery. He was doing really well, looked good and felt good. One day I went to my parents and my Dad told me he had not been feeling too great, that it wasn’t the same feelings as the heart attack but he wanted to go to the hospital just to be safe. I took him to the emergency room and they admitted him right away because of his heart history. The doctors did not seem like too much was wrong with my Dad except he had a little of an abnormal heart beat but they would do test in morning. I did not know it was serious so when they said he was staying overnight I decided to leave. The next day my dad went in to see if he needed a stint in his arteries but things did not go well. The doctor was able to put a stint in two of his arteries but when he went to do the third it burst causing fluid around his heart. Since he had the open heart surgery it was much worse. My Dad went into cardiac arrest but they were able to bring him back but did not know if he lost brain function or not. This was around 1pm and we went back and forth with the doctors all day. They were going to try surgery but they said his chances of making it were not good. Then they said that they couldn’t take him to surgery because he was bleeding internally. They also told us that we would wait to see if when he woke up (they gave us hope) if he would have brain activity. There was so much back and forth all day until we were told that there was nothing more they could do. We were able to see him a few times but he was non responsive. At one point I was so upset the doctor had to hold me and tell me to let it out and tell my Dad how I feel. It was so hard because there were so many people working on him and so many machines. It was not how I wanted to say goodbye. I knew I had to but I just didn’t want to believe it. The worst part is that the doctor told us it was his fault that he did not have to do the third artery but he chose to because he thought my dad could handle it. I have so much anger and guilt and sadness it’s so hard to deal with. My Dad was a good man. He was raising my nephew along with my mom because my sister left years ago. He and my nephew were so close, he was like his father. My nephew is 11 and I get so sad thinking about my nephew growing up without my Dad and forgetting about him. My Dad would always listen to me and I felt like I could tell him almost anything. I feel guilty because I did not tell him I loved him when I left the hospital the night before he died. I think about all the things my Dad will miss; if I get married, have kids. I feel these moments and so many more be never be truly happy because my Dad is not here. I get sad all throughout the day. I am still traumatized by that day and will never forget it.

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Dec 30, 2013
My Dad
by: Anonymous

Today is December 30, 2013. My dad died less than a week ago on Christmas Eve. He was 62 years old and had a massive heart attack.

I was raised mostly by my dad since my mom left when I was in 4th grade. He raised myself and my 3 sisters. He was a guy who acted very hard on the outside but I could tell that the majority of his tough skin act was due to my mom hurting him. My sisters too did not help.

I had joined the military and moved away and since have moved a few more times but we always talked. I called him or he called me almost everyday. My son is named for him and the two of them loved each other very much.

He was a good man. The best man I ever knew.

I'm not sure why im writing all of this. Maybe its just a way to get it off my chest. I don't really cry and found it very strange that I didnt cry that much when he passed. I was more angry than anything. Not really at anyone or anything, just angry.

Im going to miss him.

I wonder if he was proud of me, of what I've accomplished, my children, my life. I think he was, I feel he was. I wish he could have seen my children grow up. Watch them accomplish their goals, live their dreams.

It just seems unfair, unjust, not right.

Mar 22, 2013
Lost my Dad suddenly also
by: BJ

Sadly, I know exactly how you feel - I am going through the same thing. My sweet Dad passed away suddenly in January of cardiac arrest. He was playing golf and simply dropped. Despite CPR and great efforts at the hospital, he died. My Mom and I got to the hospital and were beside him the entire time, but we believe he was gone even before he was admitted. He never regained consciousness and was hooked up to machines and tubes for a few hours. My Dad was a vibrant, funny, smart and seemingly healthy 81 year old. While it seems like a blessing for him to die the way he did, ( it is highly unlikely that he knew what happened), the suddenness of his death is unbearable. No chance to say goodbye or "I love you" one last time. I am an only child, and this loss has completely devastated me- my father was my best friend. I have a wonderful family of my own, but the hole in my life is just so great, that nobody will ever fill it. I am an emtional roller coaster- I cry unexpectedly but some days I manage to hold it together. My life without my Dad is a struggle and I cannot believe this is my new reality. I wish you peace, hugs and comfort.

Feb 24, 2013
Same shoes
by: Anonymous

My dad died 2 weeks ago. He was diagnosed of having the same as your dad. The night he died, the nurses told me to talk to him and say goodbye but it did not happen because I was bursting in tears. Saying goodbye to the person you really love is the hardest thing to say. Everyday, it feels like hell..a day without color but I am trying to cope.

I know that God has plans for everyone. Everything happens for a reason that is what they say. My office mate once told me this:

Never feel sad on losing anything in your life because whenever a tree loses its leaf, a new leaf is ready to take its place.

I believe that time will come and things will get lighter. We can move on but it does not mean you will forget your dad.

Always remember that our dads is in a safe place now. No pain nor hunger..they are in paradise with our creator.

Jan 17, 2013
Similar Situation
by: Anonymous

I unexpectedly lost my dad on December 4, 2012 as well. He was 60 years old and I am 26. He took a nap before his afternoon appointments at work (as a veterinarian) and just didn't wake up. Your story resonated with me and I feel we are probably experiencing very similar emotions now. I went back to work almost immediately and have been trying to put on a brave face for the past month and a half, but it has gotten to the exhausting point. I have the same thoughts as you about the future- knowing he won't be there when my husband and I are expecting, feeling intense sadness that my future children will only hear stories about their grandfather. It's overwhelming. I just wanted to write to let you know you're not alone in this. Take care.

Jan 16, 2013
I lost my dad last 10 months ago...
by: Grieving too

...and can relate to everything you've said. Pancreatic cancer took my dad after a brief, 3 month battle. What an incredibly aggressive, cruel disease. We were all in shock as dad lived at home up until the day before he died, so intent on taking care of my mom...who needs lots of help. As the only one of his kids who is able to help, so much of what followed fell in my lap at a time when I was trying to come to terms with his loss. With a young family of my own, and little time for self-indulgences..I thought taking brief pockets of time to "let it all out" might work, but it hasn't really. Still, 10 months later, I experience what feels like a weight on my chest..and a lump in my throat almost every day. If there is a trick to feeling better...feeling more positive, I haven't figured it out yet. I am optimistic about things a bit now, since I find myself actually being able to think of him from time to time without crying, able to talk about good times a bit without defaulting to the profound sense of loss without trying. Before I lost my dad, I thought I'd experienced some the highest highs, and lowest lows in life but I think going through this has been a rude awakening. I need to be a strong father myself, and keep pushing forward. If you're anything like me (sorry, I MADE this reply about me)...take some comfort in the fact that your dad, like mine, would be deeply saddened to know how losing him has made you feel. I know my dad would be devastated. Typing even this much has made me cry 3 times so I'll stop,but know that it gets just a tiny, really tiny bit easier each day. My dad was as attached to his father as I was to my own, and he managed to pull things together. I'm doing my best to, like so many other things, pattern myself after him in that way. I loved him dearly.

Jan 15, 2013
So sorry
by: Anonymous

My dad died when I was 3 in 2005 I was sad I am so sorry for my dad died the same way.

Jan 15, 2013
The wort day of my life, the day my Dad died
by: Doreen U.K.

Regina In am sorry for your loss of your Dad to a heart condition. My 3 Adult children lost their father 8 months ago and life is just devastating for all of us. My husband was a good man and wanted to live but died of cancer.
It is the worst day of our lives when we lose someone who was close and significant in our lives. Life will never be the same again for any of us.
A Dad will always be a very important person in a childs life no matter how old they are. Fathers nurture us and we usually have a bond with them that makes the hurt more painful when they die. If it helps you can go and see a grief counsellor who will support you well and help you to cope with the immense pain. Life will get better in time. Don't give up. It does feel as if our life is over. Healing takes a long time. You will move forward when you have grieved enough and the pain gets less.

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