The worst time of my life
I almost don't know where to begin. So much has happened.
In March 2010, my older child, a college student, was yanked out of school, and diagnosed with leukemia. Very shocking, very scary. Just a bit more than 50-50 chance of surviving.
It's been over a year now, she's recovering from the treatments, etc; she made it and she's moving back into her life again.
She decided early on that until they told her otherwise, she was going to make it. Takes some denial to do that, but it also was necessary to make it through the treatments.
I was right on board with that, it was what she needed to do to make it, but now - she made it - and it's time for me to face the fear, anxiety, despair, that I subdued during her treatment so she could get through it.
So, grief at almost losing my child, and at the year+ she lost of her life. Grief at the connections to friends I lost because of having to get her through this.
A close friend lost her fight against cancer, and died in June of 2010. Left children behind. I still have a hard time believing this happened. Clearly haven't made if very far through the grieving process on this one.
I miss her so much. Even at the end, she did so much to help us through my child's cancer.
At the same time, my younger child was finished high school. This was supposed to be her time, when we celebrated her accomplishments and helped her get ready for college. Instead, she was trying to help her sister get through chemo.
The elder couldn't come to her graduation; she was in the hospital for an intense round of chemo.
I am so angry that my younger child was robbed of this time - it should have been a celebration of her - but too much of this was overshadowed by her sister.
I talked to her about it, we worked through as much as we could, but I'm still so angry she was short-changed.
My younger child went off to college in the fall of 2011. I couldn't take her there - someone had to stay with my older child. I really, really, regret this.
My father had Alzeimer's (however you spell that). He died in the winter of 2011/2012.
My marriage did not survive the cancer. We separated this past summer (2012). While my husband and I have separated amicably, it's a huge loss. Many mixed feelings about it, regret and sadness that we couldn't be there for each other. Loneliness - I miss him, even though I couldn't get along with him.
The empty nest. My elder child has recovered to the point that she's back in school, running her own life again. My younger child went back to school this fall (2012). My husband has moved.
So, here's I am, in the family house, and everyone else has moved on with their new lives. I feel left behind.
The cancer required so much of my time and energy I became isolated from friends and family (I have no family living nearby). My kids have moved forward with their lives, I know this means I did a good job as parent, that they can and they did. But I miss them.
For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I'm finally dealing with the grief. It's no longer fear that I will lose my child, anxiety of being alone for my later years, despair that I will be alone forever, without friends.
I've been crying all day, but it's a good day. I have a lot to grieve and I've finally gotten to the point where I can do it. I have hope I'm finally moving forward.