by Hope
(Tappahnnock VA)


What you wrote to Jen in N. Ireland really got me thinking yesterday. I am grateful that you got me thinking about all the pieces in my life that I struggle to put together. I am a simple woman and had to look up the meaning of esoteric love. Google was vague about the definition at best. Greek-a small group of people misunderstood by a larger group? Instead I re-read what you wrote and figured out it is loving and accepting ourselves so that we can let others in to see our inner beauty.

I somehow knew this on a simple level. When I am having a good day it is me as I was so very long ago.

After all Paul did fall in love with who I was not what he helped me to become as we became a couple. Love did change me and so did grief.

The fragile part of me wants the void filled where Paul was. Yet another part knows that I am not ready and would compare every man to Paul. That would be unfair to us both. I need to be content within and not try to find a stand-in to fill the lonely hours. To try to enjoy the little things and allow joy regardless of how small to encompass the better in me.

Any explanation of esoteric love would be appreciated so that I can continue my healing journey. I am trying to outgrow the quiet desperation that marks me. I do have a child who is 13 in 2 days. Knowing that his father is not here to see how he is growing sets me back instead of forward. I want to live, thrive and become the best possible me so that we (My son and I) may have a life with some joy, not just surviving the day.

Thank You...

Comments for The.Esoteric.Love

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Apr 03, 2011
RE: Hope

(.. comment continued..)
When you say 'Love did change me and so did grief', this is how you are reflecting on the cycle of life itself, you are not seeing it as simply black or white, loss or gain, you are seeing TRANSFORMATION. And this is what I mean
when I say you are beyond seeing grief as a state of stagnation; you have faith and a strong will to recover from the ill sense of loss and incompleteness you are feeling. Fear sometimes overcomes you, particularly when you are feeling very down and you begin to ponder of your lonliness and of the prospect of if/ how/ when you may find someone who will love you enough, appreciate you to the fullest, and accept you whole like your husband did. We wait our whole lives for the perfect someone.. and then eventually we realize that the perfect someone may not exist; but one person, more than anyone else, is just the right fit for the imperfect and beautiful realness of who we are...
To lose that, to lose that person who is like the shell on our back, and turf below our feet that holds us afloat, well.. it's like trying to walk on air, and suffocating on the realization that you can't (you cannot bring them back, nor do you know where to find safe ground again..)

My advice to you Hope is to continue to find the light within you, that is already showing its powerful glow through wise words and a positive outlook. You seem to like to inspire people; you want to help them heal through companionship and friendship. Which is exactly what I feel you need also..

The void you feel as a result of Pauls passing isn't something that will disappear in the near future or be filled by the love and comfort of someone else. The truth is no one can replace him, or be the father to your child that Paul was. However, that is not to say that you will not find a beautiful and strong relationship develop with another partner when (and I emphasize WHEN) you are ready, and feel strong enough to develop a loving bond with someone which is not primarily based on emotional dependency or masking the internal lonliness.

When you and your child have allowed time to heal some of those wounds, and have begun to rebuild your lives and home to once again feel some sense of normality and routine, you can then allow yourself to pursue love again if that is something you feel you need and are ready for.

By the way, Happy Birthday to your teenager!! It's amazing how fast they grow up.. you'll have yourself asking "Weren't you just a kid yesterday?" :)

take care, I send you love and hugs x

Apr 03, 2011
RE: Hope

Dear Hope,
Thank you for your kind words regarding what I wrote to Jen, and I am glad you found it somewhat relevant and applicable to your own struggles as you pass through stages in the grieving process.
One thing that really stood out to me in your response was that you are clearly looking for something.. you are not stuck in an idle place of apathy, sadness and complete and utter state of debilitation where you feel you are unable to move or progress beyond your current situation.

You are looking for something.. as in, to grasp onto new hope, or a revived sense of self that can once again begin to appreciate and enjoy the little things in life that made you a happy
and productive person. It seems to me like your attitude is very positive (considering the emotional upheavals that you battle through on a daily basis), and you're looking to the future, trying to decide and plan for ways forward for yourself and your child. Though you wish that it were within your hands to change life back to how it was and to have your beloved husband beside you once again, you are coming to the realization that this is not a bad dream you can wake from... it is life at its cruelest; the grief we go through for the ones we love, is testament to just how much they've meant to us...

I think you are also touching on the notion that grief is not a state of permanent stagnation, as many people do enter a phase of thinking that 'all is gone, nothing will be the same'.. the only thing right about that statement is
that 'nothing will be the same.' However, when we're in so much emotional and psychological pain, we fail to consider any possibility of things getting better or easier to live with. We feel the 'Now', and can become reclusive in that bottled-up feeling of isolation and reflective time. That's why it's so important to have a strong support network to help us stand when we want to sit down and dwell, to help us open up our closed doors and accept new opportunities that present themselves unexpectedly. Sometimes we need to lean on people who will NOT just become accepting of us to sit back or string along the same continual road of grief and despair, but people who will show us, tell us, REMIND us, that everything we have to live for is in front of us. We need that verification; we need to not just hold onto the past, but to hold onto what is ahead of us.

I know it's difficult, but you must remember that you're a survivor of grief, and in surviving you must also allow yourself to let go of retrieving what is beyond your power to restore.

(.. continuing to next comment as i'm exceeding 3000 words...)

Mar 25, 2011
You Are a Beautiful Person
by: TrishJ

I read your posts and your comments and with everyone I think, "What a beautiful person this is." You have written some very touching comments on my posts and I can' tell you how much I appreciate it (and how much I need it).
You hit it on the head ~ I feel like I have to heal myself from within before I can really venture on in this life. I'm angry. I looked around and saw other people getting their much needed organ transplants. Why not my husband? I'm happy for the others (truly) but there is still so much anger in me. He was too young ~ I'm too young to be a widow. Life isn't fair!!
God has a plan for all of us. When it's our time we just might meet that right person (or maybe not~that's OK too). Like you said~it can't be a stand in. It would have to be a whole new everything. We need more time to figure out who we are. We all identified so much with our husbands.

Happy birthday to your wonderful new teenager. My oldest grandson will be 13 in one year (he just turned 12 on March 4). It's a scary thought!! Next they will be driving.
Stay beautiful Hope. God's blessings to you.

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