What you wrote to Jen in N. Ireland really got me thinking yesterday. I am grateful that you got me thinking about all the pieces in my life that I struggle to put together. I am a simple woman and had to look up the meaning of esoteric love. Google was vague about the definition at best. Greek-a small group of people misunderstood by a larger group? Instead I re-read what you wrote and figured out it is loving and accepting ourselves so that we can let others in to see our inner beauty.
I somehow knew this on a simple level. When I am having a good day it is me as I was so very long ago.
After all Paul did fall in love with who I was not what he helped me to become as we became a couple. Love did change me and so did grief.
The fragile part of me wants the void filled where Paul was. Yet another part knows that I am not ready and would compare every man to Paul. That would be unfair to us both. I need to be content within and not try to find a stand-in to fill the lonely hours. To try to enjoy the little things and allow joy regardless of how small to encompass the better in me.
Any explanation of esoteric love would be appreciated so that I can continue my healing journey. I am trying to outgrow the quiet desperation that marks me. I do have a child who is 13 in 2 days. Knowing that his father is not here to see how he is growing sets me back instead of forward. I want to live, thrive and become the best possible me so that we (My son and I) may have a life with some joy, not just surviving the day.