Their rules

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)


OK ~ I will say it now. I've had a couple of beers and my mind and heart are in conflict. Only a couple and of course that brings on the longing and missing more that ever. Not the best decision but it is what it is. My brother wants me to work, get things done because I live in their home.

Funny in the beginning it was "come, live with us, will take care of you and there's no time limit. We know you need to get yourself together." So I move, take a leave from my job for 2 months because I've discovered I didn't really give myself time after Billy passed and the meltdowns are coming faster and faster. On top of that I get physically sick. I packed and moved, sold his truck and am now living with my brother.

They don't like coming home and see me "Not Working" because they have to. Sorry, but I don't always have control and yes I did get insurance money so I don't have to run out and do the "job" thing ASAP. Now I'm going crazy. I can't stay here and be another "Wife" person in this house. My brother has one wife and it's not me, so stop telling me what I should and shouldn't do. I've pushed up the "New Job" looking and please god, this Friday when I'm suppose to have an answer, please let me have this job.

I want out of this house ~ I know they only mean well but this is not working. I have have no friends here, only family that's now judging me on everything I do. Friends and family in Arkansas and California and I'm stuck in between in Las Vegas. I lay in bed at night mad at God & Billy for leaving me in this situation but I shouldn't and then wake in the morning wondering if I'm dreaming and I'm not. So many steps....
Everybody means well, I know, I know ~

So tomorrow I will start this road again and hope not to hit or fall into any ditches along the way.
Funny, I thought to myself a couple of days ago I was doing O.K.... I was moving along as we would put it in the forward direction.... Well guess what? OOPS road block and emotional meltdowns. We start out going, going, 2 steps forward then Pow!!!! 3 steps back, do not collect $200 dollars, do not pass go !

I know, I know ~
So I'll pick up the pieces and try to put then where they belong (not always in the right place) and move forward ~ we all do ~
Always, 1 step, 1 breath at a time...

Comments for Their rules

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Jan 21, 2011
Home
by: Lyn Ann

Well, I never left our home. In fact, I could hardly wait to return home after spending Jim's last few days in the hospital last November. My home is part of my life and I have lost so much that this was at least one thing that still represented "normal".

My mom stayed with my 17-year old son Ben and I until the funeral was over, and then flew back to Oregon. And then after a few weeks Ben and I went to Australia for Christmas, so at least we weren't here for the holidays. But now we are back. So it is just Ben and I, but he works in the evenings a lot or stays over with friends so many nights it is just me and the dog.

It is hard. and very, very quiet. I imagine Jim sitting in his usual places, I miss feeling his presence always in the house. The first week in the house after my mother left was the hardest. But then I sort of got used to it.

It might be a sad space at the moment, a grieving space. But it is MY space, and here I don't need to justify myself to anyone, thank goodness. Lyn Ann

Jan 20, 2011
Space!!
by: Cindy

Yes, I know what you are talking about. My husband has been gone for two months and my daughter has not left me. Her husband works in the oil field, so he is gone all the time. She is trying to tell me what to do now. I don't want her to tell me what to do. I lost my love of my life for 35 years and she tells me that I act like I am the only one that has lost someone. She tries to tell me to quit taking so many meds, but if I don't, I cry all day long. I don't need someone telling me what to do. I just would love to have my husband back, but I know that is not going to happen. He never told me what to do, he was so good to me and treated me as a person, not a child. Now my child is trying to tell me what to do. I know she means well, but let me live my life the way I want. We all are having to face this grief and then have others in our lives that just don't understand what we are really going through.

Jan 20, 2011
their rules
by: jules

Patricia - I feel so bad for you - I am lucky in that I don't have to live with anyone now - I did at first - in my caravan in my daughters yard, and then sharing a house with her mother-in-law, the van was ok, temporarily, but sharing - boy that was a big mistake - too complicated to go into now.

I am living alone, and some of the time I am very lonely, but not all the time, sometimes I really like just doing what I want to do - not answer to anyone, if the place is a mess - who cares - I'll clean it up. But I know that I need this time on my own, no-one cares if I stay i bed all day because today is a "bad day" - I can get up and make a cup of tea and read at 2am - I have regained my love of reading, but only light-hearted stuff as yet, nothing that takes too much thinking.

I am scared sometimes of the things I want or have to do - to survive I will need to start making some money - not a lot, but enough to pay the rent - I am planning a trip late February with my caravan (first time I have towed it on my own) about 1000k - to meet up with some friends,

I have bought into a small business selling stuff at markets, tomorrow will be my first market.
I am scared I won't have enough money to get me through (age pension is due in 13 months) - I own a house that my son lives in, I still have to maintain that, pay rates etc., even though I do get a nominal rent from them.
but
one step, one breath
take care
jules

Jan 20, 2011
Lost in Las Vegas with their rules
by: Linda(Quebec)

Im so sorry you, like so many of us are not only having to deal with the deep pain of losing your husband but all the other stuff that comes along with it.

I have read so many comments on here since my darling husband passed away on December 18th 2010 and we all have so much in common, no matter where in the world we live......we are going through the same emotions, pain, frustration and fear every day as soon as we open our eyes.

I have just found out yesterday that I will be deported soon back to the UK, as my husband is longer there to support me (my immigration papers had just came through the day after he passed)!! So apart from losing my husband I am going to lose my home, my business, my life as it has been for the last 7 years.

I wish you strength so that each day you wake up you can say....
I loved a great man and he loved me! and now somehow I have to go on....somehow!

I sadly know how hard it is but try to believe in yourself and like so many people have said on posts here .....Just breathe!
I wish you ALL, I wish myself !

Jan 20, 2011
Living With My Sister
by: Trish

It's only been 7 weeks for me. The morning after I returned home from the hospital that terrible day~I woke up~looked around me and knew I couldn't stay in my home without my husband. It sickened me. I walked into the living room and saw Joe sitting in his favorite chair. My sister and brother-in-law said, "Come and live with us." They have a 5000 hundred square foot home with an "in-law" arrangement on the lower level.

I have my own space, bathroom, microwave, refrigerator..........but it's not mine. My sister calls me to tell me when dinner is ready. I don't want her cooking for me. My brother-in-law parks behind me in the driveway and I have to ask him to move. He mutters under his breath. They ask me daily how I'm doing. I'm not doing..........this sucks.....stop asking me.

My 13 year old niece comes down into my space when I want to be alone and cry. Every time I leave she asks if she can come with me (no ~ I want to get in my car and drive and cry until I'm ready to stop crying). They ask me what I'm doing today.....how my day went.....what do you have planned for the weekend? I want to help my sister around her house. My nephew doesn't like the way I fold his T-shirts (so fold them yourself). I cooked dinner one night (a healthy meal~not fatty meat and carbs) and they all just picked at it.

The thought of living alone does not appeal to me. I've never lived on my own in my entire life. I love my family to death and appreciate what they've done for me, but this also is not working. Yet.........I'm afraid to look for an apartment.......be completely on my own.

I also sold Joe's truck on New Year's day to my son-in-law's dad. I felt like I was leaving a part of him behind and cried the whole way home.
I hope you get the job you are hoping for. A job might just be the diversion you need. We need people in our lives ~ especially our family ~ but they also need to give us our space. I've never lost a husband and my poor sister has never lost a brother-in-law. Every day is a learning experience for us.

I wish I was there to drink a beer with you. Not the best choice you said, but it sure does help!! I hope that I'm as strong as you as I continue on this journey. There is no way I can even look for a job right now. I have to be able to get through one day without these "where in the hell did that come from" crying jags.
Blessings to you.

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