OK ~ I will say it now. I've had a couple of beers and my mind and heart are in conflict. Only a couple and of course that brings on the longing and missing more that ever. Not the best decision but it is what it is. My brother wants me to work, get things done because I live in their home.
Funny in the beginning it was "come, live with us, will take care of you and there's no time limit. We know you need to get yourself together." So I move, take a leave from my job for 2 months because I've discovered I didn't really give myself time after Billy passed and the meltdowns are coming faster and faster. On top of that I get physically sick. I packed and moved, sold his truck and am now living with my brother.
They don't like coming home and see me "Not Working" because they have to. Sorry, but I don't always have control and yes I did get insurance money so I don't have to run out and do the "job" thing ASAP. Now I'm going crazy. I can't stay here and be another "Wife" person in this house. My brother has one wife and it's not me, so stop telling me what I should and shouldn't do. I've pushed up the "New Job" looking and please god, this Friday when I'm suppose to have an answer, please let me have this job.
I want out of this house ~ I know they only mean well but this is not working. I have have no friends here, only family that's now judging me on everything I do. Friends and family in Arkansas and California and I'm stuck in between in Las Vegas. I lay in bed at night mad at God & Billy for leaving me in this situation but I shouldn't and then wake in the morning wondering if I'm dreaming and I'm not. So many steps....
Everybody means well, I know, I know ~
So tomorrow I will start this road again and hope not to hit or fall into any ditches along the way.
Funny, I thought to myself a couple of days ago I was doing O.K.... I was moving along as we would put it in the forward direction.... Well guess what? OOPS road block and emotional meltdowns. We start out going, going, 2 steps forward then Pow!!!! 3 steps back, do not collect $200 dollars, do not pass go !
I know, I know ~
So I'll pick up the pieces and try to put then where they belong (not always in the right place) and move forward ~ we all do ~
Always, 1 step, 1 breath at a time...