There is no me without him

by Debby
(Watertown, CT USA)

My husband of 33 years fell down steps in our home last weekend. I heard the gut wrenching thud and ran to see what it was. There he was, laying at the foot of steps. Not moving. I don't even remember running down the steps, all he could say was call 911 and that he couldn't breathe.

Five days later, he was gone from my life. I cannot eat, sleep or think. I cannot stay on task, jumping from one thing to another, accomplishing nothing all day long. Tomorrow night is the wake, I will not get thru it.

Our son is just devastated, I'm having some trouble trying to comfort him thru my own grief. He just called my coincidence, he doesn't think he's going to make thru the wake tomorrow night. I put on my big girl pants and told him I'd be strong for him. I hope he believed me.

I'm going to go for grief counseling, I've heard that it helps. Anybody else do that? It's getting dark and quiet, I need my husband here.

Comments for There is no me without him

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Nov 26, 2014
Thoughts
by: Debby

Beautiful thoughts! I love butterflies and always feel they are a sign from above. I have such extreme sadness right now. I have been dreading the Holidays since my husband passed. I still had Christmas decorations up because he passed 2 weeks after the Holiday. I couldn't stand looking at them. I tore them all down and threw them in the basement, where they remain. I am not putting up a Christmas tree this year, just putting candles in the window so he can see the house from heaven! Blessings and best wishes to everyone here, I pray for healing and peace! Love to All!
Debby
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ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Nov 25, 2014
The Lord is my Strength
by: LHS

Hi everyone. Elisa, Appsphyl how are you doing I hope by now you are in a better place with your grieving. I have been busy for the month of November since my anniversary to my husband was on the 17th of November, and I went to Monterey to throw flowers, where the ashes were thrown, and yes he gave me a visit as well. Then just walked around and remember when we used to go to the ocean walked around taste the different clam chowder from the stands to see, which one was better. It would have been 15 yrs. married, but somehow I still am in my heart, and always will. On the 19 of November I went to the Veterans, which is about 30 to 40 minutes where I live, and that date would have been his birthday, but got some roses, and visit and put the roses on his plaque, took pictures and walked around, once again he visited me twiced, when I got there, and when I took off. When I was getting ready to leave this 2 beautiful butterfly's kinda of dark orange/brown with black poke a dots around started flying around me in my face, and they stood in the wall for a little bit, when I tried to get one or take a picture they flew up and again they circled me. Now I know one of them was my husband, but I wonder who was the other butterfly, perhaps another veteran who was happy I visit. It was beautiful I saw a pack of dogs all types, and some look like little puppies grown you know. I was going to get out, but one of them was a Pit Bull so I proceeded to the grounds. I also saw a deer very close by the Freeway, and was eating grass. I asked/prayed to St. Francis Assisi to put the deer a little farther in so he won't get runned over. Anyways I am strong with Faith, but yes everyone once in a while we are human and we get set backs part of grieving. For me it has been 2 yrs. 8 months since my beautiful husband went to heaven. I know he has a spot waiting for me, but until then I know GOD has plans to prosper me in some way, and use my GOD given talents, and potential and use them for good use, anf for his will. Until next time everyone. I hope that for some of you, your pain easies, and for those who are starting their grieving process, just know that you must have Hope to have Faith, but it will some what get better. The Lord is my strength.

Sep 26, 2014
there is no me without him
by: Anonymous

I know how you feel.My husband died three months ago of cancer.I knew he would die but not this way or this soon.He was getting around real good.We would do things with friends.He would get tired fast and we would come home.The night he died we came home from a party.He wanted to eat before bed.We didn't sleep in the same room because I like to watch tv.He woke me at four in the morning holding a trash can and blood was coming from his mouth.His room was filled with blood and he bleed to death right there.I Don't think I Will ever get over what I Saw.

Jan 16, 2014
There is no me without him
by: Doreen UK

Debby I am glad the Wake went well. somehow when you go through each stage of tying up matter's you feel a sense of relief. Like you I also wish my husband could have seen his Wake and how well it was done and it went well. It is the days after that feel so awful. I seem to have a relapse. I have not slept well and in a state of anxiety because I suddenly feel the weight of all the decisions I have to make. I am responsible for the house and all the works that need to be done. Sick to my stomach about how expensive everything is and how much it costs. I have no support and have to decide and pay for everything. I have retired and so no income. This is the worst part now. The days ahead and what one has to do to survive. I am sorry about your cancer surgeries and how much support you need. I miss this also. Steve won't be here to accompany me to hospital appointments etc. Do you have any family/friends to support you at all? I know it is not the same. But just having one person makes the difference. Just getting someone in to look at a job is stressful. I hate the pressure of this and wondering if I have made the right decision. Most of the jobs done are expensive and I feel I have been ripped off most of the time because I am a woman dealing with a male. This leaves me sick with worry. Having to keep spending when things go wrong. Not having an income and only a pension is such a worry. I wonder if anyone else has this problem? or if they cope better? This part of life makes me feel the enormity of my loss. I hope that you do have better days ahead in between the rough days that will come. HOLD ON.! Take one day at a time. Don't do anything you are not ready for. Be kind to yourself.

Jan 15, 2014
without him
by: Anonymous---MI

Debby, please know that we on this site are very sad for your loss. I pray that the days ahead will be with you looking to God for His help to you and your son. My husband died 14 mons ago of SCA and I know how your heart feels. As I have just said in another post that I cannot give good advice now due to my grieving for my husband. But I want to share this with you. It is very true what all grief sites tell us---it takes a long time and going through each day, as hard as it is, letting all that has happened sink in. You cannot hurry grief--I can certainly agree with this--it is one day at a time and for me, asking God to lead me out of this dark valley into sunlight again. Two months after my husband died I attended a widow's group which was not right for me. The women there were all quite far ahead of me in their journey; I was still numb and in shock and when they all laughed about some things I knew I could not return. It was way too soon for me as I had NOTHING to laugh about. 4 months after my husband died I tried this again; I had the same bad experience--it was still too soon. One year after, I began to see a counselor--one on one and it is working out quite well. I tell you this because I tried to rush the grieving process and I just wasn't ready; my brain and my heart told me when the time was right to go. Everyone has to proceed through grief at their own pace; you will read this time and time again and it is so true. What is good for one person may not be right at all for another. My faith in God has pulled me up time and again when I have fallen flat on my face in sorrow. I try to keep busy and control my anger---I had (and sometimes still do) bitterness at others and God for the loss of my dear husband. It was like no one could do anything right for me. I know that the people were mostly concerned and trying to comfort me but many times their words were hurtful. I had to control my lashing out because it was not their fault that I was suffering. It is still early times in MY grief process; for others their relief may have happened much sooner. We are all so different. I encourage you to read as much as you can about what others have to say about their grief but try to also read words of joy and courage and strength(for me it is the Bible and words of faith) I know, for me that I will never get over the death of my husband but I will get through it with God leading me. Bless you and your son and you are in my prayers.

Jan 15, 2014
Thank you
by: Debby

I want to thank all the kind people who left me comments. It has truly helped reading other people's experiences. Today was horrific. I picked up personal possessions from the funeral home, his jewelry the flowers and his shoes and Harley Davidson tie. His wishes were to be cremated. I was not happy with that decision, but he told me many times over the years that that is what he wanted. I had a wake however because my son and I really needed to say goodbye. We had no chance when he died. So many old friends and acquaintances came, it was so heart warming. But all I could think of was that I wished he could get up and see all his old friends and co-workers who all loved and respected him so much. Today was awful. I am so busy doing NOTHING. I am scared and alone. Tomorrow feels like a huge burden. I always hoped I would before him. I've had 4 cancer surgeries and he was my ROCK. That support is gone now.

Jan 13, 2014
I understand your pain
by: Anonymous

I too lost my husband suddenly after 35 years. I came home from work to find that he had passed away suddenly. Although he had been ill for awhile and I thought I would be prepared - I was not. Each day brings a new emotion, a new experience of living without your spouse, and it brings a new challenge for tomorrow. Each morning I awaken and pray that I will be able to make it through another day. I go through the emotions of fear, anger, frustration, loneliness, self doubt, guilt - not necessarily in that order. My husband was cremated and I have his ashes. We had the funeral and I have recently taken the necessary steps to purchase the niche where his ashes will lie. The next step, for me, will be the hardest. It will be releasing his ashes for burial. I have been his caretaker and sole mate for 35 years and, to me, this will be the most emotionally challenging. Each day without your partner will be a day of learning to redefine yourself; taking on new experiences; and learning to adapt to your new lifestyle. I am learning to be patient with myself; that I will not always be my best; and if the tears must flow to let them flow.

Jan 13, 2014
your intense pain
by: Lawrence

Debby
It’s such early days, a total calamity has happened to you and your family, the crushing, heartbreaking agony you are feeling is without doubt your very worst nightmare.
You must be asking yourself how will I ever get over it and I must tell you that you never will, but it will get easier as the weeks and months pass, but at present the only answer to your grief is to cry and cry and scream out at the world, it’s nature’s way of helping you to cope with this terrible tragedy.
You and your son will get through the wake and the funeral because you have to, you will find the courage and strength with the support of your friends and family.
You will cry buckets of tears but the day will end as every day does with you both battered and bruised but still standing.
Everybody on this web site has been through the same devastating loss of a beloved spouse and feel your pain intensely.
I was standing in your shoes a year ago when I lost my very precious wife, frankly I didn’t want to live without her after being together for seventy years, yet here I am offering you comfort and sympathy so, although you won’t believe me at present, your loss will become tolerable.
Get help where you can, grief counseling, doctor, or priest, anything to make your life livable again.
You are in all our prayers.
Lawrence

Jan 13, 2014
There is no me without him
by: Doreen UK

Debby I am sorry for your loss of your husband to a sudden death. It is so very painful when you lose your spouse. I lost my husband of 44yrs. to cancer 20 months ago and I nursed him for over 3yrs. I still have difficult days. I was numb with grief and was so busy planning the funeral and the Wake that I can't believe that it all went smoothly. I was so happy that I managed to get all my husband's work colleagues together and they all had a drink in a Pub. I just wish my husband could have seen it. He would have been proud of this send off. Often we fear the worst but we do get through it all. Try and surround yourself with family and friends as this early support is so important. After the funeral you will find you lose some people you wished had stayed around in your life just when you need them. This will make you feel isolated and very lonely. this is such a common experience. We all go through this. It is discussed a lot in grief posts, almost as if it meant to be this way. If you have any other male member's in your family they may be helpful to your son at this time having lost his father. The loss of a father is so very hard on son's for some time. But somehow they do recover. It is more difficult for a spouse when she loses her husband/soul mate. WE form such strong bonds with loved one's that it hurts so much when they are gone and never coming back. Hang in there and don't despair. You will get through the Wake. It will take longer to get your life back. The first weeks and months life is hard. Healing is a slow process. But as you grieve you will heal. But it is the worst experience of one's life.

Jan 13, 2014
debby
by: dianne

I am so sorry for your loss I know the nightmare you don't seem be waking up from as I lost my eldest son suddenly and unexpectedly just six months ago .I felt numb for weeks felt as though a part of me was missing and so many questions I found asking myself like was he OK my son was name Paul each and every day I wish it was a nightmare I had but then realize no its true the worst time was birthday then Xmas I can say the pain does ease a little and you just learn to take each day as it comes.I didn't go counseling myself I thought about it but I know Pauline would want me to stay strong for him.I still have days when I cry because its so hard carrying on without them but we have to for the rest of our family my heart goes out to you Debby take one day at a time and think of the good and funny memories you shared x

Jan 13, 2014
Dear Debby,
by: Anonymous

I understand your pain. Even though I did not lose my spouse, I lost my father suddenly to cardiac arrest a year ago. The pain and shock is unbearable, but with the passing of time, it gets a bit easier. Please take your time, and be kind to yourself. I have found great comfort on this website and honestly don't know what shape I would be in if I hadn't stumbled upon it. We are all on the same journey, and although we have arrived in different ways, our heartache is the same. You are not alone in your pain. I wish you peace and comfort in the days ahead, Barb

Jan 13, 2014
I understand
by: Paula

I read your message, I understand.
My Dad died unexpectedly in August, only 5 months ago. I did not think I would survive 5 minutes. The pain was so deep. My mom was crushed, along with my 11 siblings.
But it will take time. It will. I can say this because I've been where you and your son are. It's dark, it's ugly, it shows no mercy.
I read all the books on grief I could find. I cry when I want, I spend time with friends. I know it was your husband, but grief is grief. I feel your pain. Just the fact that you found this website is a good thing, you need support and you are doing something to try and survive this. And you will survive this. Take it minute by minute, hour by hour. Feel the grief, don't deny it. It will begin to get better, very slowly. It will.

Jan 13, 2014
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

So sorry about your loss. I know how you feel, just to let you know. I am into my 1 yr. 10 months, but my husband died of Lieukimia, but listen we are here to help you through your grieve. I pray that the Lord gives you, and your son the strength to get you through. All I can say for now, just pray, pray, pray, for some reason the Lord took him, and what a tragic, but now you must be strong for yourself, and your son, your husbannd is there spiritually, just ask him to guide you through this, because he is now at the thrown of GOD and he is really looking over you, that is if you believe.

Jan 12, 2014
thinking of you
by: Anonymous

My heart goes out to you. Please do what you can to be good to yourself through this heartbreaking time. And let others be good to you too. When my former spouse and still very close friend died unexpectedly and at only 47, I was devastated for a very long time. Something that was said at his memorial has stayed with me and been helpful: No matter how long any of us lives...a few months or 100 years or anytime in between...in the span of time all of us are here only a short time...we must try to focus on and remember and honor the good times and qualities of our loved one...and not become undone by the "Why?" question. But oh, is it difficult. At the one year mark, I had a special dream with him in it that was very powerful and comforting and has made me believe that maybe while he is gone from this realm, his spirit may continue in another as well as inside my own heart. I hope in time you can find some peace and a similar kind of comfort.

Jan 12, 2014
Your Husband
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry for your loss I just lost my mother. Her wake was a few days ago and I got though it. Bring pictures of your husband and stand near the pictures and just talk about him and block everything else out. It goes by so fast. The type of grief you are experiencing is devastating because it was unexpected. Take time for yourself, pray a lot, a sedative for you and your son may help you initially to get through the first few weeks. Keep writing on here and we will support you, May God Bless You and your son!

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