There will never be another like my Granny.
My gran had been battling with Cancer for months - we did not know that she had cancer until the day that she died. You see, my gran was so strong and brave that she didn't tell us about this terrible disease. I guess she did not want us to worry.
I have always been so close to my gran. We saw each other every day, and I don't think I've ever had such an incredible bond with someone in my life - ever - even including my mother.
She died on the 9th of September, 2008. That day will haunt me forever. Even now, the pain hurts just as much as the day she died. Only two months before she died she found it that cancer had spread all over her body. She was already at the end before she had the chance to fight.
My gran was so young, she had so much to live for. Although out of all of her gran children, people always said that her and I were the closest. And when she left this world, well there wasn't a pain like it. I truly felt like someone had just torn my heart right out from my body.
I had always imagined my gran seeing the monumental moments in my life. Getting married, having children. I had just always pictured her there. I could tell her absolutely anything! I didn't only lose my gran, I lost my best friend too.
After she died I suffered from terrible depression, and even now I am not fully cured. I don't think that you ever really get over losing someone, you just learn how to deal with the pain a little more each day.
I became such a different person, I just felt so lost. Watching people being happy and going on with their lives as normal brought me to such a dark place. I just became a person living like I was dead, and I knew it wasn't right!
Slowly, time is a healer. With time I felt stronger. I had a beautiful memory book made of her with poems and pictures. One particular poem said "if love alone could have saved you, you never would have died". It does not get any more real than that. I miss her every single day, and there is not one day in my life where I don't think about her. I still talk sometimes like she is there. Only recently did I get the courage to drive up to her old house. I sat in my car and broke my heart. It was like she never left. Even sometimes I still cry like there is no tomorrow, and wish that she could be there to comfort me. I miss her cuddles and her voice. She was like a mother to me.
Such an incredible lady. She always knew what to say. I just always hope that she is proud of me in life. I get stronger each day. This year will be her 4th anniversary. Where does the time go? The sad thing is, I can still remember everything as clear as day.
It's scary how much things change in four years, althought I am much more settled now than the place I was years ago. The depression felt like it was going to be the end of me. I felt like a idiot for being so down all the time. Smiling was painful, it felt abnormal. I just couldn't stand to be alive. And saying that now, it hurts me that I allowed myself to become so low. I know that for my gran, watching me in that pain would have hurt her too.
I would give anything to have one last day. I know that everyone would say that too, but it really makes you appreciate life and to enjoy every day like its your last. You never know what is round the concer.
I believe that my gran lives in through her memory. I know that we will one day meet again. I'm just going to have to wait a long time for that cuddle, it will always be worth the wait.
Love you always Gran, you're incredible xxxx