They dont understand, I deserve happiness

by Steffy
(Chandler AZ )

Time keeps passing and I find myself making crazy decisions... no one seems to agree with them but for me the have helped me overcome so much pain.

I lost my husband way to soon, barley 9 months married and way to young to understand anything really.
He was 21 and he was beautiful so much to offer and so much love to give... I was 7 months pregnant when he was taken away from me...
I thought I would die I thought that my life was over that I could never love never feel anything ever again.

Over the last 2 years ( On Jan 16 ) I have changed completely, I cry I scream and shake I hurt I bleed when I am alone but I am strong I have moved forward in my sake my sons sake.

I have been dating an old high school boyfriend for months now and it looks bad and its to soon but he has given me life again he is holding the pieces my broken heart together. he lets me cry about my husband and talk about him and express my love towards him without any judement and without any jealousy. He loves my son and is so good to me...

Most of my husbands family understands they want me and my son happy they support me but my mother and Codys father don't agree its too soon, im making a mistake im going to hurt myself worse. don't I love cody? how could I if I am seeing another man? they have never walked in my shoes they don't understand me.. they don't know how I feel on a day to day.. They make me feel as if I am a horrible heartless woman but I feel and I know how much Cody means to me. I do not have to prove anything to anyone...

Am I crazy? What am I doing? I miss cody and love him so much but he left me? he tore me open, he destroyed the life we created,, he made his decisions and they got him killed? Am I evil and I sick? Am I allowed to have romance? Is it rude to my husbands family?

I feel as if I have committed a crime sometimes but my boyfriend truly accepts me and understands my love for my husband. The pictures of my wedding on the wall. My constant crying and how often I talk about him.

Cody was my everything since I was 14... he was the only man that I ever loved. we had so many differences but we LOVED each other I gave him my all... But he is gone.... the pain takes over still but I have survived and I have figured out that I am only 22 years old I deserve the happiness this world can offer don't I?

I wish someone could tell me what is appropriate what isn't? How to act and if my decisions will haunt me... I love my Cody he is not alive though, he left me in such a horrible time. Never meeting his son.. I just want happiness I need it

I spent a year in a half dead inside, I gained excessive weight and thought about death all the time, I love my son but my depression was overwhelming. finally everything changed I reconnected with old friends and my new boyfriend and they reminded me who I was and how amazing my life can be if I give it a chance.

I just want the pain inside my heart to go away to not feel so ashamed of being with someone new, I want to be accepted and not judged, I WILL ALWAYS LOVE CODY he was and always will be my true soul mate, he made me feel like no one could ever hurt me that he would always be there, that no matter what he would love me and never leave me. He said I do and so did I, We were going to spend life together... He was mine, he was brilliant he was handsome and loving and funny. he was everything a man should be, He had hands that could touch me anywhere and I would just melt into him He saw me for me and loved me always. he is a part of me and our son. but he is gone I deserve to know if that is out there for me again, that happiness that emotion that amazingly passionate beautiful love that we shared for 6 years.

Comments for They dont understand, I deserve happiness

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Jan 14, 2014
In Due Time
by: Anonymous

Steffy, from what I see on FB you are not ready to be involved with anyone yet. Sure you can go out with friends and have a nice time but if you are still keeping up Cody's FB page with beautiful pictures of Ryder then you're still deeply emotionally not ready to be in a relationship.

A young man will only listen to you cry over Cody for so long but eventually he will grow tired of hearing it or becomes jealous and resent you. And he could end up hurting you or your son. Once you become involved with someone you should be emotionally ready to give 100 % . You can't do that now. You want to choose a good man who will be a good role model for Ryder. One who makes good sound decisions. One who will love you when you are sick and care for Ryder if he is sick.

Please don't rush into any realtionship because you are lonely and deserve happiness. You are young and very pretty. There is plenty of time to find a nice young man. But you have some hard work to do in learning to respect yourself and being the best mother to beautiful Ryder.

Please take it from me, one who rushd too soon and ended up with a guy who was so jealous of my son that he hit him.

Take care beautiiful Steffy. God will make you strong.

Jan 12, 2014
To Steffi, "Don't I deserve happiness?"...
by: Elisa

No, Steffi, you are not selfish, you are not hurting Cody's parents. No one has been in your tormented heart, the pain is horrible, and especially bearing it so young, and with a son.

Steffi, I lost my husband of 44 years, knew him from age 17- so that makes it 46 years-- a lot of time, and I am much older, or perhaps, if I had been only 21, I'd try to start over.

Even if I were to start over, I would cry about my Hugo, talk about him, and no one would match up to him. I don't believe that you have those problems of "matching up" to Cody because you were both young. Hugo and I built 2 homes together, worked side-by-side 46 yeas to build what we had together for all that time, got to know each other, grew up, matured together. We had a home full of his beautiful care and work, furniture, and a long lifetime of together.

Steffi, your pain is just as bad being married just a little while; however, you are so very young, you cannot go on from 21 being alone until 60, 70 or 80. no, that is not intended for you.
You are too young to look forward to all those years alone out of guilt, or other feelings.

Cody would want you to start over, not forget him ever, love him, but find happiness in your youth, not when it is too late. I hope this man you are with continues to be patient, understanding, etc., about Cody and your son, and I hope it lasts and both of you are happy. I hope he will take away some of the hurt; but it will never cease; my pain grows stronger with time, it does not diminish. Listen to Doreen, and my advice and the other answers you have received.

Live your life; his parents are living together ok, and you deserve what they have. Yes, it is their son who passed, but you lost a husband, and they know you loved and still love Cody. Do what you have to to try to mend just a little corner of your broken heart. It will never be fixed again, like mine won't until I die and I hope to see Hugo again. He wasn't 21, but I remember him at 18, and to me he will always be my babe. I hate that we are not together. You have a lot of life to live; I hope I don't, I cannot take even one more year of this.

So, do what your heart says, not what others say.

Love, Elisa (Hugo's wife forever)

Jan 11, 2014
They don't understand, I deserve happiness
by: Doreen UK

Hi Steffy. Please take on board the wisdom of Judith. she is spot on with the advice she has given you. I addressed the issues of you asking if you are evil or wrong in what you are doing. The answer is NO. Judith has covered a wider aspect that should also be considered. MATURITY has a lot to do with the decisions we make. Just make sure your decisions are made for the right reasons. Trying to please others will leave you confused which is why you have to not be so indecisive. Some counselling would certainly help you and build up your self esteem so you have more self belief, and not carried by the whims of other people even if they be family. Best wishes.

Jan 11, 2014
Your Torment
by: Lawrence

Why are you torturing yourself, whatever you do will be right for you?
Ignore the criticism from so called friends; it is your life to do with as you wish.
You were so incredibly young to lose a husband and be left with a baby and although you will always love Cody he would want you to find happiness again and will be watching over you and his lovely son.
You have had to grow up so quickly, too quickly, but you will cope and make the right decisions.
Everybody on this web site knows what hell you are in, but you will come through it, battered and bruised but with a maturity that will amaze you when you think back later in your life.
Stop the tears and be happy.

Jan 11, 2014
it's not an ouch contest
by: Anonymous

It's not an ouch contest--it's your life. I am old and I don't like being all alone. I lost my beautiful husband this year--suddenly. There is no worse pain and you make it very clear about how devoted and attached you were to Cody. To Love deeply, to love greatly is the flip side: great misery. You cannot put into words the suffering of such a loss for I have tried. Your Cody left a big void and you are young--young enough to make mistakes but it is your life and as you can see it can be taken from us very quickly--ruthlessly, and unpredicatably. I am angry cause I had no control to save my husband. We lived for each other, been together for a long time and I have NO ONE. I sit in the shambles of our once lovely home all alone at the bottom of a deep dark pit. Did he ask for this? no. Did I think in my wildest dreams I would be a widow already? no. So you and only you can know whats right for you. In this situation it is preferable to lonliness and despair. Just having someone to rub your back or hold your hand--what a comfort. My man was very affectionate. Without him I want to die--I welcome it, but if someone I felt I could trust came along I might consider a step into the sunlight--doesn't mean you're easy, cheap, pitching Codys memory to the winds--it means you are dealing with a dreadful situation the best way for you and your baby boy.

Jan 11, 2014
You do deserve Happiness
by: Judith in California

Dear Steffy, I forgot to mention that if you are having so many self doubts may I suggest you seek some grief counseling . It may help you move forward better and help you understand yourself and help you with your son. It couldn't hurt Steffy. You had such a challenge with loosing your husband and being pregnant and having to face all the heartache of it all.

Just make sure you're not moving forward with this new guy out of desperation. I hope he is a guy of faith, good character and a good moral compass. One can't be too careful when there is a child involved.

Please take care of yourself both physically and emotionally and then you'll be the best you and Mom.

Jan 11, 2014
They don't understand, I deserve happiness
by: Doreen UK

Steffy I remember your post from months ago when you lost your Cody, and how horrible those early days of grief were for you with a new baby. I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU MEETING SOMEONE ELSE. The only mistake you are making is LISTENING, and TAKING ON BOARD OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINIONS. Even if these be the opinions of close family. Of course close family member try to protect you from pain and don't want to see you suffer again. But this is your life. LIVE IT HOW YOU WANT TO. What matter's is just YOU, BABY, AND WHOEVEVER YOU WANT IN YOUR LIFE to take this journey with.
You are not evil, wrong, or doing anything wrong. PEOPLE DON'T DEFINE WHO YOU ARE. You define who you are by how you live your life and care for your son. You are doing nothing wrong. You have a lot of maturing to do. As you mature you will look back on this moment and see it for what it is. GROWING, LOVING, BEING WITH SOMEONE WHO LOVE'S YOU AND YOU LOVE THEM BACK. How can this be wrong? We all get hurt in life and we hurt other's at times. It doesn't make us bad people. We make choices in life and never know whether they are the right one's or not. But we have to make them nevertheless. Life is full of risks. You may just deny yourself future happiness if you listen to other people even if they mean well for you. What is important is that you are HAPPY. Living your life. Being the mother you want to be, and having COMPANIONSHIP in your life. If I had listened to my parents who meant well for me I would have missed out on 44yrs. of marriage. My husband died of cancer 20 months ago and I have the loveliest memories I would have been denied if I listened to my parents. So parents are not always right. I have 3 adult children and very sensitive to their needs and I wait in the wings to catch them if they fall but will not interfere in their life. Best wishes. and EVERY HAPPINESS IN LIFE.

Jan 11, 2014
Give them time- but live your life
by: Judith in California

Dear Steffy, I have follwed your story from first heartbreaking moment and I cried with you. Now here you are with amazing news of new found happiness for you and your baby. We all deserve happiness and God lets us know when it's time.

You have to life your life for you and your son, not everyone else. It's most hard for his family as they are still grieving for their son.

You are trying to move forward in a positive way. Anyone who comes into our lives, that have lost a mate, will have to understand we will grieve for them from time to time. It's perfectly normal. And they should not feel jealous. If they do then they should move on.

You are young and will need to feel loved again and if you are happy with your choices then That's what's important.Please be strong and don't let anyone tell you how you should feeel or live. And please don't feel quilty or that you are betraying Cody. Jsut reassure his family that they can see your son and be a partof hi life if they wish but they in no way can tell you how you should live. Set up boundaries.

I only pray this new young man in your life truly cares for you and treats you with respect and is kind and nurturing to your son. If he ever shows you any anger or resentment of your son, Please let him go. Always demand that you and your son are treated with the utmost respect and dignity.

I wish you the best Steffy and keep God close to you in raising your son .

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