They Say You Are Never The Same As Before . . .

When you lose someone, they say that you are never the same as before - that instead, you learn how to live a new way without the one you have lost.

That is so true.

So why do I keep trying to return to that place in time when mom was alive and well in order to fulfill my need for complete comfort?

I'm an adult. Mom passed away at age 79. It is not that uncommon for an adult to lose their parent at that age; however, the loss does not seem natural. The loss does not seem a normal part of the cycle of life. The loss has created such a vast void in my life that I feel crippled without my mom's love and support on this earth.

Mom passed away three years ago. She had Alzheimer's Disease. We (my father, my grown children and I) were fortunate to be able to care for her at my parents' home until her peaceful passing.

The passing was one most people would dream of having for their loved one. We had told mom many times over the preceding years how much we loved her and how much she meant to us and to many others in her life. Mom was in her hospital bed in the dining room which my dad had converted into their bedroom. He even had it wallpapered to match the wallpaper in their real bedroom upstairs. We all held mom long into the night until she took her final breath at 1:24 a.m. That wonderful passing should have been a wonderful closure to a long illness.

Instead, for me, the passing left me lost, alone, feeling helpless and needy.

I'm an adult. I should have my own life to return to since mom's passing. I should have my own responsibilities, priorities, schedules, and demands to put me back in the race we call life.

That is not the case for me. I have been stuck - or have chosen to remain stuck - in this bubble which includes myself and my unfinished life with my mother. Outside of this bubble is the rest of the world which has continued on in life, accepting the reality of her absence, adjusting and creating futures.

The future is something I don't want to even think about. The current is all I can handle. When the current becomes a bit too overwhelming, I simply curl up and go to sleep.

I do not want to go forward without mom's physical presence here. Where I was once a strong, independent woman I am now a weak and insecure child.

It takes very little for me to cry. All I need is to be alone with my thoughts for a few minutes and the grief takes over. The ability and desire to be productive in some of the most necessary ways has ceased. The negative situations which are caused by my not being productive do not bother me. I simply curl up and sleep again.

New experiences bring back the pain of mom's absence. For example, when I got my first part-time job after her passing I was excited and immediately reached for the phone to call mom and share the news. That simple act which had always been a part of my life now served to remind me that she was not there to answer the phone and give me those longed-for words of praise and love.

How will I ever find a good world - a good future without mom? I cannot even imagine how I could ever be content and secure and happy like before.

I pray and pray and pray and pray. I know that God hears my prayers and answers them according to the way which is best. I realize that I do not understand God's ways but must have faith. All I truly want is . . . . mom. -KK

Comments for They Say You Are Never The Same As Before . . .

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Aug 18, 2014
Thank you
by: Maggie

I just lost my beautiful mom on June 28, 2014. I was going to write my own story but your words are what I would have written. My mother was diagnosed with ovarian and uterine cancer at the age of 77. We did not get the chance to fight this battle due to circumstances out of our control. I am now counting the days since her death and dreading as the number keeps getting higher. It has been 51 days since her death and not one day goes by I do not think about. God bless you and all of us who are learning to live without our mom.

Mar 31, 2014
by: lina

This has to be the hardest saddest thing I have to go thru.i lost my sweet mom Sarah December 15th 2012.
I am not the same I feel so lost and alone and afraid.
afraid.this stinks I can't make any decisions I don't want to do anything.
My heart broken mom my spirit crushed.
You were sick for 8 years paralyzed from the surgery I so look back and would do it all over again.
I miss you and love you forever and ever and hope I see you again.
Ur girl lina.

Mar 29, 2014
i understand
by: carol h

i lost my mom dec 6, 2012 and my dad 2 1/2 weeks later. i can so relate to what you are saying. its been almost 16 months and i am still struggling with my loss. it seems the whole world has fallen out from under me and things will never be the same again. my mom was my best friend. i could pick up the phone and we start talking as if we had just hung up the phone, even if it had been the day before. not a day goes by still that i dont want to just pick up the phone and call her. i just dont know what to do without her here. her death left a huge void in my life that can never be filled.

Mar 28, 2014
I understand...
by: Margaret

I understand completely what you are going through and the pain you are suffering. The pain of loss, emptiness, disbelief and profound sadness and loneliness. I lost my mother in January of this year and it had such a huge impact on my life. She was my best friend and mentor all of my life. I am 45 years old my late mother had just turned 87 the month before she died. She was the alpha and the omega in my life. Some days are really bad some not so bad. Mother's day will be a tough one for us all. I do believe in trying to take one day at a time is a good idea and also turn to God and ask for his help. Ask him to take care of her and he will without fail.

Hope your journey gets easier soon.

Mar 27, 2014
Your loss
by: Anonymous

It is truly difficult to live on earth without the one we love here.
I feel what you do too,lost mother she was 50, dad he was 82 ,my son 39, and much to accept?so hard. I dont know the answers. God does as we continue to pray.

Mar 27, 2014
They Say You are never the same as before....
by: Doreen UK

You have described aptly what most of us feel and go through when we have lost our mothers. Few of us can express and explain it the way you have done. Which is why this site works so well in it's supportive role to each other.
I could not function for six months when I lost my husband 22 months ago. I curled up on the couch and did nothing but watch TV till things changed. I just woke up one day and my world did change. I learned on this site to TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME. I DID. IT WORKED. I didn't think I would get past my raw grief of those first days of loss. My body ached and still does. I NURTURED MYSELF. Try and make a start by doing one good thing for yourself each day like pampering yourself. Build on this and do it every day as often and increasing this. You will be building yourself up which is the best foundation to healing from grief. I keep losing my motivation to do anything. I accept how I feel and just listen to my heart and feelings. I don't let other people intrude into what they think I should be doing to change my world. I will change things when I am ready and able to do so. Listen to your heart. The way you feel today is right for you and nothing and no one can change this. Not even positive thinking can change the pain of grief and help us move forward. If you feel you are stuck in grief you can see a grief counsellor who is skilled and can help support you the way you need. We won't feel comfortable for a long time. Our world does change and we won't know how to re-structure our lives no matter how old we are. Being an adult doesn't mean we have to be mature and do this and that to help ourselves. Being a adult means we are human and we all need a little support and a helping hand. There is no guide book to dealing and handling grief. WE learn as we go along and from each other. Don't beat yourself up. Do the opposite. BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF. NURTURE YOURSELF EACH DAY, just as your mother would do. You will slowly heal from where you are right now. May God reach down and pick you up in his arms and heal your sorrow and give you His Comfort and His Peace.

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