They Say You Are Never The Same As Before . . .
When you lose someone, they say that you are never the same as before - that instead, you learn how to live a new way without the one you have lost.
That is so true.
So why do I keep trying to return to that place in time when mom was alive and well in order to fulfill my need for complete comfort?
I'm an adult. Mom passed away at age 79. It is not that uncommon for an adult to lose their parent at that age; however, the loss does not seem natural. The loss does not seem a normal part of the cycle of life. The loss has created such a vast void in my life that I feel crippled without my mom's love and support on this earth.
Mom passed away three years ago. She had Alzheimer's Disease. We (my father, my grown children and I) were fortunate to be able to care for her at my parents' home until her peaceful passing.
The passing was one most people would dream of having for their loved one. We had told mom many times over the preceding years how much we loved her and how much she meant to us and to many others in her life. Mom was in her hospital bed in the dining room which my dad had converted into their bedroom. He even had it wallpapered to match the wallpaper in their real bedroom upstairs. We all held mom long into the night until she took her final breath at 1:24 a.m. That wonderful passing should have been a wonderful closure to a long illness.
Instead, for me, the passing left me lost, alone, feeling helpless and needy.
I'm an adult. I should have my own life to return to since mom's passing. I should have my own responsibilities, priorities, schedules, and demands to put me back in the race we call life.
That is not the case for me. I have been stuck - or have chosen to remain stuck - in this bubble which includes myself and my unfinished life with my mother. Outside of this bubble is the rest of the world which has continued on in life, accepting the reality of her absence, adjusting and creating futures.
The future is something I don't want to even think about. The current is all I can handle. When the current becomes a bit too overwhelming, I simply curl up and go to sleep.
I do not want to go forward without mom's physical presence here. Where I was once a strong, independent woman I am now a weak and insecure child.
It takes very little for me to cry. All I need is to be alone with my thoughts for a few minutes and the grief takes over. The ability and desire to be productive in some of the most necessary ways has ceased. The negative situations which are caused by my not being productive do not bother me. I simply curl up and sleep again.
New experiences bring back the pain of mom's absence. For example, when I got my first part-time job after her passing I was excited and immediately reached for the phone to call mom and share the news. That simple act which had always been a part of my life now served to remind me that she was not there to answer the phone and give me those longed-for words of praise and love.
How will I ever find a good world - a good future without mom? I cannot even imagine how I could ever be content and secure and happy like before.
I pray and pray and pray and pray. I know that God hears my prayers and answers them according to the way which is best. I realize that I do not understand God's ways but must have faith. All I truly want is . . . . mom. -KK