Things I can't explain.

by Julie
(Moline, IL)

I refuse to eat at Buffalo Wild Wings- it's the last place we went to eat before you (my brother, Shawn) went into the hospital and never came out. I remember you looking very pale- we kept asking if you were okay. You went to the restroom for a long time- maybe 10 minutes, came out and you were sweating. The next morning, you would collapse on our parents kitchen floor and the ambulance would have to come to help my Mom pick you up and take you to the hospital, where a month later, you would lose your battle with leukemia.

You told me, "The first place I'm going to go eat when I well is Dynasty Buffet." I still can't go there. You won't ever get to eat there again.

My husband works second shift and is always asleep when I leave for work in the morning. Some mornings, I look over and he looks like Shawn did right after he passed. The darkness of our room makes his skin look grey, his mouth is hanging wide open and his eyes are closed. I freak out, go over and wake him or move him... just so I don't see that look again.

All during Shawn's battle: I wrote on his caringbridge journal page from my phone. It was always one of the top bookmarks. Now that we don't write as often, it's hard for me not to see "Shawn's Site" listed among the top sites that automatically pop up in my phone. For the first three months or so, if it was about to be replaced by other sites I had looked at, I would click on his page, just so it would stay on that initial list. I can't explain it. I just did it.

I can't erase his number from my phone.

Call me in denial- whatever you want... but There are some things I can't deal with yet, and I can't explain to anyone WHY.

I wish I didn't have to deal with this. I wish YOU never had to deal with losing your life at 24 years of age. I can't believe you'll never get married or have kids. You would have been the BEST father. Cancer stole it all.

I hate cancer. It has turned my life upside down- how can I live in a world that doesn't include you?

I'm still trying to figure that out. Almost six months later... and it's still just as fresh.

I miss you.

Comments for Things I can't explain.

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Dec 02, 2011
I understand
by: Amy

I know how you feel. In a few days (Dec 6th), it will be the day I lost my brother to an unidentified type of sarcoma- he had just turned 33. He died at home, with all of us around him. The last thing he and I did together was watch the SEC Championship game, even though he was so medicated up, he had a hard time following what was going on- which broke my heart because he loved football and could recite stats like nobody's business. I am going to the game tomorrow, and will celebrate in his honor, knowing he is watching, and would want me to be happy. We were close, and always had each other's back, and now I feel I have lost the one person I could truly be myself with. Time will not heal my pain, or make me forget, all I can do is learn to to cope and keep him alive for his 5 year old daughter.
God Bless

Oct 07, 2011
so sorry
by: Anonymous

I just wanted to say that I hate cancer too. It took my 23 year old son 14 months ago. I will never understand why. It's an awful club that we belong to.

Oct 04, 2011
Your pain
by: Anonymous

After reading your piece i am in tears. I understand why you cant go certain places or remove his number on your phone and you shouldnt ever have to. Grief is just like love confusing and everchanging. It has only been 6 months for you and that is not far on a very long road. Everyday there will be new and old challenges that you will have to face.. and unfortunately you will never get over his loss. But you know what i've been learning since my fiance died? Everytime i feel like my day or night is going to be ruined by anger and hurt and fear and madness. i stop in my tracks and think about whether or not he would have wanted me this way. I know your brother would want you to honor him by doing things you used to do together and by cracking a little smile his way once in awhile. Don't get me wrong, i know how hard it is to be positive but i do my best and that is all we can do. Life is so very short although right now it seems so very long. But we will reach the top of the hill one day and we will reach their arms in heaven soon enough and we will be with them again. So if you have one chance today to smile at something beautiful go ahead it is okay. p.s. this website has actually made me feel sane again it is good to be on here and to know that none of us are alone in our grief..., WAITS

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